Coming Out to Family, Do They Need To Know

Many people find the holidays a stressful time, with holiday shopping and cooking and making plans to travel. For people who live alternative lifestyles it can be even more stressful. Perhaps there is a part of your lifestyle that your parents do not know about and would not approve of. Maybe they know and are openly judgmental. As the holidays approach and people go home to visit family, many people wonder if they should come out to their family.

Many people have this idea that they want to be able to tell their parents anything and everything. Some feel that they already do. If you already tell your parents everything, then there is nothing to come out about. You already told them.

If you haven't, the question is: should you? Do they need to know? If you are gay, that is something that they probably need to know. If they expect you to come home for Christmas with Eve and you bring Steve instead, they are probably going to figure out that something non-traditional is going on.

However, what about being poly or kinky? Let us address each question separately.

For many in the kink scene, it is more than a sexual proclivity, it is a community and a lifestyle. You may go to munches and have many friends you met through the scene. Your main hobbies may be scene related like rope or building rigging equipment. Obviously, the judgment of whether you should or should not come out is entirely up to you, but consider this question, does any part of this lifestyle affect your family at all. If you are only kinky in the bedroom, I would suggest that there is no reason for your family to know. You don't know what your family does in their bedrooms and you are likely happier for the lack of knowledge. Why would they what to know what you do with a rubber chicken suit and a seventy feet of silk rope in your private time? Of course, if your full time profession is making sex toys it might be good to let them in on the secret. Otherwise, simple conversations like, "how's work going, honey?" could get quite awkward.

When it comes to coming out as poly, it is a similar issue. Do they need to know? Does it affect them? This would largely depend on the nature of the polyamory that you practice. If you have a primary and a few friends with benefits, this probably falls into the kind of behind closed bedroom doors information that you family does not want to know. On the other hand, if you have two primaries who are both equally important, then you might want to explain ahead of time why you are bringing both Eve and Steve home for Christmas.

Should you decide that coming out is the right choice for you and your family, I offer two pieces of advice. Don't make it a bigger deal than it really is, and find common ground.

When I say not to make it a bigger deal than it really is, I mean that if you don't make a big deal of it, they may not either. Don't preface your explanation something like this, "Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something and I'm not sure how you'll react. I know that you always raised me to be a moral and proper person, and I hope that you approve of what I'm about to tell you but I'm not sure if you will..." That's how you introduce a confession of guilt. You should not be guilty about your lifestyle, and, if you are, you should get straight with your own morality before you go dragging your family into it. Rather, introduce the concept with confidence. If you act like there's nothing wrong with it, no one else will have a reason to think so either.

Second, find a way to explain the concept so that others can understand it. You're not coming out as a martian. We all have the same psychological needs, and we all fulfill them in similar ways. Your way might just be slightly less common than theirs. Also, it is important to understand that your family may have difficulty understanding exactly what you are saying. They may have pre-existing notions from television or other media which may be completely inaccurate to your situation. Understand that their questions are likely not meant as judgments, just as a way to gain better understanding. Unless your parents are quite disturbed, they probably have your best interests in mind and want to make sure that you are making right choices to be safe and happy.

Candy Says: I once had a very interesting discussion with a friend's grandfather about bisexuality. He asked all kinds of questions. Turns out he had no problem with homosexuality but he only knew gay and straight and was confused by bisexuality. He asked, "How do you decide which one you are? Do you flip a coin every morning?" It wasn't meant to be offensive at all. It was just the best question he could think of with the background he had.

Let's also remember that if you haven't come out to them, they haven't come out to you. For all you know, you might not be the only poly or kinky person in your family. Wouldn't it be a kick if you came out and some family member said "yeah, me too."

Whether you are out to your family, completely closeted, or about to come out this weekend, I wish you the very best holiday.

Uncoupling: Separating Marriage, Sex, and Child-Rearing

Conservatives will tell you that the advent of reliable birth control redefined sexual morality. They are entirely correct, although I would not agree with the implications of their statement. Sexual morality prior to reliable birth control was built around creating a social structure in which children would be raised in a stable family situation because it has been understood since time immemorial that children are best raised in a family of some kind, thus the premium placed on virginity traditionally.

With the advent of reliable birth control, it became possible to have sex with a minimal chance of unintended pregnancy. Suddenly, the groundwork was laid for a sexual revolution in the 1960's, when a new generation discovered that the traditional reasons to avoid premarital sex no longer existed. The concept of withholding sex until marriage was no longer as vital as it had been.

As feminism increased equality, allowing women to enter lucrative careers where they could support themselves, the need to marry for economic stability almost completely left the picture. No longer would a woman need to preserve her "virtue" to trade for economic support, as she could now support herself.

This progression opened up a vast variety of lifestyle options. With sex no longer leading to parenthood, people could have satisfying sexual relationships without them needing to provide economic support necessary to take care of children. The stability of a monogamous relationship, traditionally needed to support the family unit, is no longer necessary for many people who do not want children.

Interestingly, this same social progression has led many people to believe that marriage is no longer even necessary for raising children. In my work, meeting with parents, I find that less than 20% of the parents I meet are married to the parent of their child. Single parenting is no longer shameful, as it was in previous generations. In fact, it is not even seen as irregular.

As marriage ceases to be the norm, people feel less social obligation to take care of spouses and remain committed their relationships. As many act less trust-worthy, many choose not to trust. Expecting that they will eventually be abandoned, many people chose to develop their own independence, financial and others.

The traditional American family is no longer. The future which conservatives fear is here, and it happened long before gay marriage was legalized. Yet, even with all these fundamental social changes, society goes on, the farmers still farm, the sun still rises and sets, and chaos does not reign. We live in uncharted territory, and most of us have lived in for our entire lives.

But She's Your Wife? What Happens Next in Polyamory

I have explained polyamory for the first time to many people, and most of them have accepted it. They understand the idea of sharing and see the benefit of not expecting one person to do everything and even see how jealousy could be managed. At some point in the conversation, there is often some question like "but they stop doing this when they get married, right?"

A friend of mine is engaged, and he and his fiancee live with his other partner. People sometimes ask what the other partner will do when they get married. His answer is usually something like "get dressed up and come to the wedding." They have no intention on changing any part of their lifestyle when they become legally married.

In our modern culture with 72 day marriages and 50% divorce rates, many people, especially those who have never been married, often hold this lofty ideal of marriage as some kind of magical and eternal bond between two people. It is thought that somehow everything changes, and, if it is the right couple who really love each other, love will conquer all.

Poppycock!

If a person is inclined to polyamory before marriage, they would be inclined to polyamory afterwards. Marriage is a legal institution, which is very important for the benefits it conveys to the couple engaged in it, especially where children are involved. However, it does not turn someone into a different person.

The main reason that so many people learning about polyamory for the first time get so confused by polyamorous married people is the context in which they understand polyamory. Most mainstream Americans can pretty easily understand the idea of serial monogamy: being single and meeting a new person fairly often, having some fun with them, and moving on to the next. They can also well understand the concept of a relationship, which conveys the benefits of an ongoing connection and stability but comes with the trade-off of not being able to see other people.

To them, polyamory is a hybridization of these two concepts. The benefits of an ongoing relationship without the trade-off of exclusivity. However, this only makes sense to them for a more casual relationship: the kind of relationship that has emotional attachment but lacks the lifelong commitment of marriage or even engagement. It is in the casual nature of the relationship that it makes sense to be open to seeing other people.

There are certainly people who practice polyamory in this way. They are polyamorous until they get into a serious relationship with the right person. This makes a great deal of sense for them. Why be exclusive to a relationship which does not and is not expected to provide for all emotional and physical needs?

In this kind of relationship, it is very important that it is made very clear that any secondary relationships exist only so long as the primary relationship does not become too serious. Any secondaries involved need to emotionally prepare themselves for the time when the primary relationship will grow to exclude all others. This situation will naturally place a limit on how serous any secondary relationship can be.

The very dangerous situation to watch out for in this structure is that in which the secondary relationship does become more serious. It creates a zero-sum game situation in which the primary relationship getting stronger threatens the secondary and the secondary getting stronger limits the primary.

If you are thinking of structuring your primary relationship in this way, there is nothing wrong that that, but I would highly recommend that you keep your secondary relationships to more casual, friends-with-benefits relationships. The alternative of more serious secondary relationships is setting everyone up for a contentious and dramatic future.

Introduction to Creating Poly Rules

Suzie asks: My boyfriend and I have decided to make our relationship polyamorous. We are negotiating the rules, and I was wondering if there are any rules that are particularly important.


This is a tricky question. It is like asking what size dress you should buy. You should buy the dress that is the right size for you. I know, not the most helpful answer. The rules that work for one couple could be disastrous for another, so instead of suggesting specific rules, here are some guidelines for a process to develop rules.

Open and Honest Communication
The first and most important thing is open and honest communication at all times, especially when negotiating rules. If you are not comfortable with something, you need to say so immediately. If it is uncomfortable in theory, it's not going to get any better when it moves into practice. Generally, adding restrictions in negotiation are not too difficult. Trying to add restrictions after an outside relationship has begun is like trying to squeeze toothpaste back into a tube.

Reciprocity and Fairness
A common fallacy is that rules must be reciprocal. This is not true. They must be fair, but they do not have to be the same. Imagine a couple who we'll call Alice and Bob. Alice is more concerned about sexual health and Bob is more concerned about emotional issues. Having different concerns, they would need different rules to address their needs.

Alice might require that each new partner bob has must be tested for STDs before he sleeps with them and every 4 months after. She is less concerned that they will steal his heart than that they will rot his crotch.

Bob, on the other hand, finds condoms and regular testing to be sufficient for sexual safety, but, because of some bad experiences in the past, he is afraid that Alice's other lovers might try to steal her away for their own. Thus, he would not need regular accounting of sexual health, but he might want to meet and get to know any potential lover of Alice's before she takes up with them.

Common Rules
Having told you that there are no universal rules, I will go back and provide some examples of rules commonly found in poly relationships.

Notification: Most couples require some type of notification of extra-curricular activities. For some this means that permission must be obtained before doing anything. For others, this simply means that it should be mentioned when it is convenient after the fact.

Veto: This is a more controversial concept. Some couples swear by it, others swear at it. The veto concept is  that the primary partner can veto a secondary partner. Usually the veto can only be used when a new secondary relationship is starting, although there are some couples where the primary can veto at any time. An entire article could be written on this concept alone.

Sexual Health: Most couples have some rules relating to sexual health such as requiring the use of latex barriers or new partners being tested before taking up with a primary partner. This is usually based on the comfort and concern levels of the primary partners as well as the style of relationship one has. This becomes more important is more swinger-type relationships than in more poly-fidelitous relationships with far fewer partners.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open
You will see this word a lot: "communication". You can't just set rules and leave them. Things change over time. Comfort levels change; people become more or less comfortable. While the rules are negotiated in full at the start, it is important to periodically revisit them and make sure that they meet the needs of all parties involved.

As always, this is just a brief overview with some general concepts, rather than a comprehensive study of poly rules. Your mileage may vary.

What Marriage is Really About

Going against the conventional wisdom, a study published last year says that couples who cohabitate before marriage are actually more likely to divorce than those who do not. Being logical and rational folks, we have the idea that we should try something out before committing to it. We test drive a car before buying it. We read a couple of pages of a book we are thinking of getting. What if, however, that attitude, rather than keeping us out of undesirable relationships, actually causes our marriages not to last.

Rationality is all well and good, but it is a double edged sword. Too often, we apply a seemingly rational process to a situation. We then pursue the result that we find with absolute confidence. After all, we reached the decision rationally. What if the process was flawed?

When heading towards marriage, many people believe that they know what they want. They might want a person with a good income, a good heart, or a good sense of humor. Perhaps they want love, attention, and passion. Marriage, however, is not about any of those specific things. Marriage is about a lifelong commitment between two people. Two becoming one. Of course, this does not appeal to us Americans. We are rocks! We are islands! We need no one else and can do everything on our own.

If you are truly an island, don't get married. You don't need to, and you will eventually divorce, finding the situation too confining for too little benefit. If you are a mortal like the rest of us, however, understand that the true value of marriage is having someone in your life whose destiny is tied to yours. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, two people are joined, sharing dreams, aspirations, and defeats, but always knowing that their partner is there for them on their side.

You cannot trade up from this situation. Perhaps you have been married for a long time and your spouse is showing their age a bit. You think that maybe you can do younger with a younger person. Even if this new person is everything that you could ever dream of, there is something that this younger person will never be able to offer you: the relationship that has grown through decades of sharing with and depending on each other.

The strength and value of marriage is in the connection. It is that simple and that complicated.

Time Versus Quality Time

One of the biggest issues that can develop in a long term relationship is time. Unfortunately, not all time spent together is created equal. Sometimes, a couple will spend some time together, and one person will think it is time well spend, but the other will still feel neglected. This points out the difference between time and quality time.

For some couples, they are happy to simply spend time in the same place doing, even if they are working on different things. For others, only certain activities are satisfying for quality time. Even for couples who are happy to spend casual time together, it is still important to make special time to reconnect.

The common trap, especially for cohabitating couples, is that they will spend a great deal of time in the same place and forget to spent good time together. When the couple first got together, they probably talked about other things besides bills, kids, and the slow drain in the shower. However, day by day, the little, niggling issues of life distract them. They don't realize that, while they may spend dozens of hours a week together, none of these hours are spend rebuilding and strengthening their relationship.

It is important that a couple makes time to do things that bring them together. This could mean making a date night. This could mean working on fun projects together. The important thing is to make sure that time is set aside to do things that are enjoyable to both of them. Time that is separate from the day to day tasks of living.

Modus Communicatus

The modern world provides us with a great variety of technologies which allow us to communicate more efficiently than ever. In some situations, this means that we can be much more effective. In others, it simply means that we can create more misunderstandings per hour than we ever could have without the assistance of technology. The root of the problem is that, when communication becomes easier, we are inclined to do it with less thought. Even worse, too many people, caught up in the ease of texting and other modern modes, fail to realize just how ineffective some of these methods can be, especially for more emotional topics.

Let's consider the limitations of some communication modes. In this article, we will consider 5 common modes: speaking in person, phone, instant messaging, texting, and email.

As we can see, in person communication is far and away the best method for communicating clearly. This makes sense, as it is how we have been communicating as humans for hundreds of thousands of years. We have our words, intonations, and body language to work from. In person, we might say something and immediately realize that what we said was inadvertently hurtful from the  body language of the person we are speaking to. In instant messenger, we might say something hurtful and not realize it, blithely digging ourselves in deeper and deeper.

The Benefits of Technology
Technology can be a great boon for busy people wishing to stay in touch. Text based communication allows low energy contact, which can create a greater sense of closeness in a relationship, even though little actual information is transmitted. Consider Emily's story:

Emily says: My boyfriend and I are both very busy people, and we do not get as much time as we would like to spend together. We both work jobs that are on the computer, so we keep AIM up all day and we chat while we work. It is nice, like sitting in the same room and working on different things. We don't talk about anything serious, but it keeps that closeness.


Instant messaging is a great tool for casual communication, sharing fun stories from work, expressing frustrations, etc. Texting is, likewise, a great tool for casually staying in touch, if you are one of those who does not mind trying to type on a tiny tiny keyboard.

For almost a century, we have been using the phone to make communication easier. Phone conversations do not work as background activities like IMing does, but they do eliminate the need to travel to be in the same place as the person one wishes to talk to. With being able to hear the voice of the one we are talking to, it can be like being right there, but there is still the lack of body language that can inhibit communication. However, when people are making a point of being clear, this issue can be overcome.

Where Technology Fails
Unfortunately, the same thing that makes IM and texting so great limits its utility. All that there is of the communication is what is on the screen, staring at you in black and white, or chartreuse and mauve, depending on your settings. No body language, no voice inflection. One does not even have the benefit of knowing how quickly or slowly the message was sent due to the delays at the server.

This means that these are fine modes for talking about the weather or work or whatever, but they are terrible formats for talking about serious things.

Candy says: I was seeing this guy and things were going pretty well. Then, there was a little issue. I told him it upset me, and he got upset and it got all kinds of out of hand. We were used to talking on IM all the time, so that's how we talked about this, but no matter what I said, he just got more and more upset until we ended up breaking up. I'm not even sure what it was all about to begin with.


What happened in Candy's situation is that they fell into the trap of being used to talking online about light and fluffy things. Suddenly they had something serious to talk about, and it did not occur to either of them to pick up the telephone.

The problem is that we tend to associate emotions with words. If we can hear the voice of the person that we are talking to, we will ascribe the emotions that we hear to the words. On the other hand, if we cannot hear them and only have their written words to work from, we will ascribe the emotions in our own head to the words. Words that are meant to be conciliatory can be read as sarcastic. Gentle apology can be misread as condescension.

This can happen with email, Facebook comments, and other epistolary communications, but it is even more pronounced with instant messaging. In an email, you might take a moment to reread the letter before replying. Instant messaging tends to be more instant. One often reads quickly and replies quickly. Looking back on a chat log, one will often find that they were the one to accidentally inflame the situation by misreading a statement by the other person.

PUTFP
The acronym above stands for "Pick Up The Phone". Email, instant messenger, and text are great for what they are good for, but always remember their limitations. When things start getting heated, pick up the phone, or, better yet, talk to them face to face. It doesn't matter if you are talking to a friend, a coworker, a romantic partner, or a business associate. Why risk the relationship over some stupid miscommunication, when you could clear things up easily by picking up the phone.