Friday, November 23, 2012

24/7 Dominants - The True Unicorns

In the BDSM scene, there are two very kinds of people that are considered very rare. The first, which is referred to by many, is the "Hot Bi Babe". This is shorthand for the bisexual woman who is willing to join into an existing heterosexual relationship. Such women are considered to be quite rare because they are highly in demand. It's not so much that there are not many women who would be interested in that dynamic, as there are so many unappealing offers to them that they retreat and become more difficult to approach. It's tough to arrange something with someone who has been previously approached by a dozen mouth breathing creepers.

Another, much rarer beast that I find many to be looking for a is a full time dominant. This is a dom who will not just be dominant in scenes, but actually be a 24/7 dom, or something in that direction. Training their sub. Expecting service. Etc.

Many submissives seeking such doms, but finding none. They are quite confused at their lack of success. After all, here they are, willing to do anything! Why can't they find someone to accept that.

The thing about a full time D/s relationship is that it's a lot of work. The dom has to be responsible for themselves as well as their sub. When it works out, it is an amazing connection, experience, feeling. However, it requires deep commitment, deeper than most marriages.

Briefly, what does it take to be a good full-time dom? The key thing is that the dom serves the sub. What? The sub serves physically, doing the dom's bidding, following orders, but the dom must also serve, thinking of the sub's needs so that they do not have to, addressing their concerns before they come up, and creating an uninterrupted fabric of trust, safety, and security. Uninterrupted. A missed date or forgotten instruction can rapidly erode trust, corrupting the relationship. Most importantly, the dom must do this because they enjoy taking care of the sub, not because they enjoy being taken care of. It must be based on both people giving, not both people taking. The later will never last. The former is difficult enough.

Obviously, with this level of commitment, a dom like this can only have one (or maybe two) subs. To go back to my economics roots, this means that the supply of positions for submissives is more limited than, say, rope bottoms, where a rope top can play with dozens of bottoms. Thus, we have less doms who can dominate less subs than most other partners one might seek.

Another complication is that 24/7 D/s sounds really awesome until you actually try it and realize it's really really difficult. If, after realizing how difficult it is, you still want to do it, you have many submissives looking to do it, and thus can find one relatively easily, if and only if you are good at it.

Thus, self proclaimed full-time doms mostly are either inexperienced and don't know what they are getting into or already with someone. Additionally, of course, there is a third category of someone who didn't know what they were getting into, learned the hard way, and are no longer arrogant enough to think that they have the time and mental resources to give that kind of relationship the attention it requires.

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