Vanilla Fetish

Most everyone has some sexual interest which is not strictly mainstream. This does not mean that they act on it or even know that they could act on it, but there is something beyond simple missionary position that would really get their blood pumping (and possibly other things). If you find someone who is really into nothing but "normal" missionary sex, one could call that a fetish. It is certainly rarer than many of the more common fetishes out there.

On the Novicies & Newbies Group on Fetlife, there are often questions about how to find other kinky people, as if kinky people are some different sub-species from the rest of the population. There are, indeed, two kinds of people, but they are not kinky and vanilla. They are people who know their kinks and fetishes, using this understanding to have a more fulfilling sex life, and there are those who do not indulge in their kinks because they do not understand that they can.

Emily says: When I first realized that I was a masochist, I was not sure where to find kinky people. I would get into a relationship, but when I told the person that I was kinky, they would often get scared off. I later came to realize that when they hear "kinky" they are thinking of someone who is into being suspended from hooks in their back while being whipped and lit on fire, when all I wanted was spanking, biting, and flogging.


Labels are valuable for quick and easy identification. When one kinky person says to another that they are kinky, what they are saying is that they understand that people have kinks and are open to learning about other people's kinks. They are not saying what they are into. When one tells a "vanilla" person that they are kinky, there is the danger that a great deal more will be grouped into that label than is strictly true.

As Emily found in her experience, there are many people out there who would not call themselves kinky but are perfectly happy to spank their partner if it turns her on. Even if it does not do anything for them, they might be happy to do whatever their partner is into, as any good lover is interested in pleasing their partner in any way that they are able and willing to.

If one says that they are kinky, it could make their partner nervous, not knowing what to expect. However, if one says that they are into being spanked, or even something heavier like choking, the other person might be willing to do it. They are accepting that they will do this one thing, as opposed to "trying out kink," which sounds a bit more involved.

Dominick says: If I meet a woman who is not in the scene, I don't talk to her about kink in general. That might scare her off. I will just mention or just try certain things. Most women respond well to light to medium scratching and some biting. A surprising number of the "vanilla" women I have met very much enjoyed a hand on their throat. You never know until you ask.


As I said before, kinky people are not a different species. Kinky sex is also, for most people, not so much different from vanilla sex. There is a large grey area between them. Sure, golden showers and blood play are pretty clearly on the kink side of the line, but biting, scratching, spanking, and even light choking are all quite common in the vanilla world.

Labels are valuable for trying to identify and group people and concepts, but don't get carried away. Labels should improve communication. As soon as they create confusion, discard them and find a new way to look at things.