Monogamy/Polyamory Scale

When people speak of being polyamourous and monogamous, different things can mean different things to different people. Most people are familiar with the Kinsey scale of sexuality, and it provides us a useful parlance for how straight or gay one is. I feel that a similar scale for monogamy/polyamoury would be useful.

I present the Smart Love Scale

Monogamous

1 – I am completely monogamous. My partner and I have no sexual contact with other people. I am not comfortable with my partner checking out other people, looking at porn or even thinking about other people sexually.

2 – I am monogamous, but I am okay with my partner fantasizing about other people, as long as those thoughts are not leading towards action. Checking someone out and looking at porn are just fine, but flirting, online or otherwise, is not acceptable.

Monogamish

3 – For the most part, it is just us, but under certain circumstances, we might play around a little bit. Playing with other people at a play space, or kissing other people at a night club. On very rare, extremely specific occasions, there might be sexual contact with someone else, but it would be after extensive discussion and negotiation.

4 – Occasionally it is okay for my partner to sleep with someone else, but under very specific rules. I may need to meet and approve the person. It may mean that casual sex is okay, but there can be no emotional attachment. It could also be that only committed secondary relationships are acceptable but casual sex is not.

Polyamourous

5 – The rules are much looser but they still exist. It is still very important to check in. There may be an approval process or very specific criteria for an outside partner. A great deal of communication is used to make sure everyone is comfortable.

6 – I am my partner's bro and wingman. If I see my partner flirting with a very attractive person, I'll give them a high five when I see them again. I might even help to find partners for my partner. I want to hear the details because I want to be part of my partner's adventures.

Keep in mind that one might be generally a 5, but in the early part of a relationship a 3 until comfort is established. Other people go the other direction, and start at a 6 but work towards a 2 as the relationship becomes more serious. There are even relationships where one person is a 6 and the other is a 3. As long as both people are comfortable with this, it's a fine way to be.

It's not a strict identity, just a terminology to explain where in the mono/poly scale a person or situation might lie.

Mono-poly

A reader asked that I write an article about monogamous/polyamorous relationships, meaning a relationship in which one partner sees other people and the other does not. This is a fairly broad topic, but I will give an overview. The main question that the reader was asking is "Can poly/mono relationships work and what are the issues that should be considered?"

The most important question in looking at a poly/mono situation is why the situation exists. The poly/mono situation can occur for a number of reasons, and this means that two poly/mono situations can be extremely different in the issues that can arise.

I Cannot Satisfy That Need
One common situation is that in which Partner A feels that they are unable to satisfy their partner's (Partner B) needs for one reason or another. Sometimes it is as simple as Partner A has a reduced sex drive for whatever reason and encourages Partner B to find someone else to satisfy that need. In other situations, Partner B has some sort of fetish which Partner A is unwilling or unable to fulfill but wants Partner B to be able to satisfy their need.

Partner A's motivation here is generally a combination of the desire to please their partner and the desire to remove pressure from themselves to satisfy a need that they cannot satisfy. The most common pitfall in this situation is that Partner B will not believe that Partner A is really okay with the arrangement such as the following situation:

Suzie says: I had a friend who was married. After a few years, she lost her sex drive for various reasons including some medication she was on. Her husband, obviously, was not happy about it, so she told him that she would not mind if he found someone else with whom to get her needs met. He thought it was some kind of trick, so he never took her up on it. They ended up splitting up, and a good part of that was his sexual dissatisfaction.


The other pitfall is that Partner A is not really as okay with the idea as they think they are. They will think that they can handle it, but jealousy will rear it's ugly head once theory becomes reality.

As in all "non-traditional" relationships communication is vital as unexpected emotional issues will come up. These issues can be dealt with if both people are willing to be open, honest, and loving in dealing with the situation.

You Cannot Satisfy That Need
Another situation is that Partner B finds that Partner A is not satisfying their needs in some way. A poly/mono situation can be the solution to this, but tends to be a very difficult solution to implement successfully. First, it is important that Partner B be quite happy with Partner A in all ways except that one particular thing that is missing. If there are serious underlying problems in the relationship, adding more partners will only make things more complicated and messy.

It is also very difficult to have the conversation of "I love you, but I have needs that you cannot fulfill." Many people will take offense at such a sentiment. However, if Partner A understands the situation and recognizes that it is not a personal failing on their part.

Poly Sounds Good, but I Don't Need It
Another common situation in which poly/mono can work is a couple in which one partner has the desire to see other people and the other simply does not.

Emily says: I am polyamorous and always will be. One man that I dated had no interest in seeing other people. His attitude was that one woman is more than enough work, why would he want more? He had no problem with me seeing other people, but he just didn't want the effort.


This situation can work very well as long as it is true. Some people will claim to be okay with their partner seeing other people, especially when the relationship is starting, because they want to be with the person and will say whatever they need to in order to do so. Then, once the relationship gets going, it will come out that they are not comfortable with things. This never ends well.

I Think We Should See Other Occupations
Some people are so serious about their work or other commitments that it could be considered a secondary or even primary relationship. These people are often perfectly happy for their partner to see other people while they are exclusive to their partner. Because they are extremely dedicated to their work or other activities, they do not want to have to be everything to someone, and they are happy that their partner can have their needs satisfied without them having to take the energy.


These are just a few examples of poly/mono situations. As always, your mileage may vary. There are as many ways to set up a relationship as there are relationships. Some couples are partially open. For example, they can do sadomasochism with other people, but they don't have sex with anyone else. Other couples will make out with other people at parties but be otherwise exclusive. There are challenges to any form of relationship, but as long as the couple is willing to be open and honest in their approach, anything can work if it is what works for them.

Three Rules of Polyamory

Relationships are complicated. Multiple relationships per person is considerably more complicated. There are a great many bits of advice that I could give to make things run more smoothly, but this article is about three common rules which one who is engaging in polyamory would ignore at their peril.

One of the core concepts of Smart Love is that there is a great deal that monogamous couples can learn from poly couples. To help illustrate this, each of the three rules of polyamory will be accompanied by a companion rule of monogamy.

Smart Love Poly Rule #1: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Mono Companion Rule #1: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Entire articles could be written just on this rule. In fact, entire books could be and have been written on this topic. Communication in any relationship is vitally important. It is even more so in a polyamorous relationship because of additional factors that must be managed.

One of the most common reasons not to communicate is that someone does not want to cause trouble. They might be worried that saying something would cause a fight or make the other person unhappy. What they forget in doing this is that the issue will come out sooner or later. When it comes out later, it usually comes out at a much more inopportune moment and often with much greater emotion making it more difficult to deal with than it otherwise might be.

I discuss some other aspects of this topic in this post.

Smart Love Poly Rule #2: Never Make One Choose Between Lovers/Never Accept an Ultimatum
Mono Companion Rule #2: Never Make Your Partner Compete

Emily says: I was in a relationship of a few years when I met and started dating a new boyfriend. At first, things were great, but then the new boyfriend started to think that the old boyfriend was not good for me. There was no real basis behind this, but he got more and more down on the old boyfriend. Finally, he told me that I had to choose between them. I was young and foolish and still wrapped up in new relationship energy, so I picked the new one. It lasted about a month after that before I got fed up with his jealousy and possessiveness.


This illustrates the second rule of polyamory, which is that you should never ask a partner to choose between you and another partner. Conversely, if someone demands that you choose between them and someone else, choose the someone else. Why? Because someone who really understands what polyamory is about will respect you enough to respect the choices that you make, even if they are not thrilled with them. If you yield to one ultimatum, perhaps the next one will not be far behind.

This rule does not completely apply in the situation of primaries. In a primary relationship, it is not uncommon for the primary to demand that a relationship not begin or, if it has already begun, cease. The difference here is that, in a primary relationship, the authority to make such demands is often pre-negotiated. This is very different from a secondary coming into an open marriage then demanding that his lover leave her husband for him.

The companion rule for monogamy is not to make your partner compete with your outside interests. It almost goes without saying that your partner should never feel that he or she is competing with other people that you might otherwise be dating were you not with your partner. This rule is also saying that your partner should not have to compete with other activities for your affections. She should not have to be more fun than a baseball game or more exciting than a trip to the mall. These activities provide something different from and not comparable to your partner.

Smart Love Poly Rule #3: Don't Let Strife in One Relationship Create Strife in Another
Mono Companion Rule #3: Don't Let the World Outside Your Relationship Create Conflict Inside
Into every life a little rain must fall, and this is quite true for relationships. It's not always clear weather and smooth sailing. Sometimes something will go wrong. This is even more likely with new relationships. An advantage that some people find in polyamory is that they get to experience new relationship energy again and again. The flip side to this is that they get to experience the stress of new relationship growing pains and even failure again and again.

When one decides to enter into a poly relationship, it is understood that they may encounter these ups and downs. It is important, however, not to allow these tribulations to spill into other relationships. Every relationship has its own internal conflicts. If you allow the conflicts in one relationship to spill into another, you may soon find that your strife from on relationship has started marching through your life like Napoleon's armies through Europe.

This is not to say that you should not say anything about what is bothering you. Your partner can be an excellent source of support in hard times. However, there is a difference between getting support and dragging your partner into your conflicts with shortened tempers and even accusations of being part of the problem.

Likewise, for both polyamory and monogamy, it is important to do your best to insulate your relationship from outside stressors. Fights with the boss, defeat of your favorite basketball team, getting a ticket on the way to work, etc. These are fine things to talk to your partner about, but they are no excuse for losing your temper or  becoming more demanding at home.


This is certainly not everything you need for a successful relationship, but if you keep these three rules in mind, you may find that you are able to avoid a great many of the more common pitfalls in polyamory.

What Monogamists Can Learn From Polyamorists

This article is the third in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. The first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. The third discusses and defines various terms. This fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.




The good part of practicing the mainstream, monogamous concept of relationships is that most people you meet engage in the same kind of relationships that you do. You can go to your grandmother for dating advice and be relatively sure that she can at least relate with your situation.


On the other hand, when you think that there are centuries of knowledge behind what you are doing, you are less likely to think critically about your relationships and how you conduct them. This is where monogamous people can learn a great deal from those who practice polyamory.


The polyamorous community has had to blaze their own trail. Because there is no norm, it is accepted that every polyamorous situation is different and requires individual evaluation. With thousands of people practicing polyamory, many valuable lessons have been learned. Presented here are a few of those learnings which monogamists can learn from.


You Are Unique, Your Relationship Should Be Too
Even if you are monogamous, vanilla, and 'normal' as they come, you and your partner are unique people with unique expectations, unique needs, unique desires. In polyamory, it is understood that nothing can go unsaid in such a complex arrangement. In monogamy, people can get away with not discussing everything, but they do so at their own peril. Nothing actually "goes without saying."


Maybe one partner thinks that leaving dishes in the sink to wash them later is no big deal and the other thinks it is the height of slobbery. Neither partner is wrong here, but if they do not discuss it, both partners are wrong, and conflict is preordained. This applies to everything from the definition of cheating to issues around the house to sex to entertainment preferences and basic conversation.

Suzie says: I was dating this guy and I discovered all this porn on his computer. He was jerkin' it to cyber girls when he was with me. I was so pissed! Who does that? Why would he do that when he had a real life girl?

In Suzie's situation, her boyfriend did not think that porn was a problem. To his mind, it was just pictures. There was no connection. They were hardly real people to him, so how could it be infidelity? To her, all things sexual were in the domain of the relationship. By getting sexual gratification from the images on the screen, he was cheating on her. Neither one is wrong, which means that both partners need to talk about it and come to agreement on what they are both comfortable with.


When in doubt talk about it. Follow the first three rules of polyamory:
Rule #1. Communicate
Rule #2. Communicate
Rule #3. Communicate


All Emotions Are Valid, But Not All Responses Are Acceptable
In polyamory, jealousy is a common issue. It is natural and expected. People in polyamorous relationships have learned that they need to be able to speak openly about their emotional needs or else jealousy will quickly overwhelm the relationship.


In monogamy, jealousy is, hopefully, less of an issue, but there are other emotions which will come up which need to be acknowledged and faced in some way. Examples of such emotions are: dissatisfaction with some aspect of the relationship, attraction to another person, and frustration about some aspect of the other partner.


Some of the conventional wisdom will tell you to keep it to yourself. If this is a casual relationship that you do not care much about, follow this advice. If this is someone you care about and hope that you might spend the rest of your life with, it is terrible advice. For a strong relationship, you need to be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about what you feel. You also need to be willing to listen, without judgement, to what your partner feels.


If you find that you are attracted to that guy at the gym, you want to be able to tell your partner. It's not that you would like to leave him for Mr. Muscles, but you are attracted. That's just how it is. You love your partner and would rather be with him than Mr. Muscles any day, but trying to repress that attraction causes stress and will only serve to make it worse, like picking a scab. If you can get it out in the open, you can move past it.


Not Everyone Defines Cheating the Same Way
In polyamory, one is generally allowed to be involved with other partners, but there are still rules. Perhaps a partner needs to be approved by the present partner. Perhaps one can have sex with a partner but must use a latex barrier. One should never assume that they know what their partner is comfortable with until they have discussed it.


Dan says: I dated a woman who was not comfortable with me having outside relationships. However, as we talked about it, it turned out that her main concern was safety regarding STDs. I didn't really feel a great need to have sex with other women, but I enjoy the thrill of going out to a club and meeting and fooling around with new people from time to time. We agreed that I could make out with girls at the club. I got what I wanted, and she was perfectly comfortable with the arrangement herself.


In monogamy, one is not allowed to have sex with another person. That is generally understood, but where is the line where it becomes inappropriate? Some people are monogamous, but, like in Dan's story, go to night clubs and make out with some pretty people before returning home to their monogamous relationship. They have agreed to it, so it is okay. Some people think flirting and cybersex online is cheating. Others think it is harmless fun. Some people even think that lusting in your heart is cheating. Wherever the line is in a relationship is valid as long a it is established by mutual agreement, not some vague understanding of what "everyone knows".


There is no wrong answer, but the only right answer is the one that both partners agree on. Some people get it into their heads that there is a proper way to have a relationship. This is hogwash. Your relationship is your own. Discuss with your partner what you are and are not comfortable with before it comes up, and you will both be happy.




You may see a theme here. It starts with 'C' and rhymes with 'Flumunication'. If you learn only one thing from Smart Love, learn this: nothing goes without saying, everything is worth talking about openly, honestly, and with love.

Relationship Forms and Styles

This article is the third in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. The first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. This third discusses and defines various terms. The fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.

Click here for full sized  image

There is a wide variety of relationship styles. The Venn diagram above shows a few of the more common concepts. The shapes are not to any particular scale. The sizes of the various circles are based on what I needed to fit inside them rather than any kind of population proportion.


Emily says: When I was monogamous, I was never comfortable with that relationship form, but, not realizing that there were any other options, I just assumed that there was something wrong with me.


Too many people believe that there is only one way to have a relationship. For some people it works, but for others, it does not. I happen to like steak, but if I were to open a restaurant, I would serve more than steak. Some people like it, others do not, yet others are allergic to it or have religious prohibitions against eating it.


It is the same with relationships. Different forms work better for different people. All are valid. It is simply a matter of figuring out what works for you. Below, we will discuss the various styles shown on the chart above. It is not an exhaustive list, and there are many overlaps from one style to another. Ultimately, remember, it is all about what works for the person involved. As long as people are being open, honest, and caring, they will probably end up on the right track..


Before discussing the forms, I would like to discuss the concept of a Relationship Contract


Relationship Contract
Every relationship has a relationship contract. This can be explicit or implicit, but, as a concept, it describes the expectations, limits, and rules under which the relationship functions. This will be discussed in much greater detail in a later article, but I wanted to explain it briefly because it is a very important concept for understanding many relationship forms.



Monogamy
Monogamy is the relationship style that most people in America practice. It is based on the concept that two people form a bond, ultimately seeking a permanent bond, in order to share their lives.

Candy says: I met a guy who told me that he was polyamorous until he found the right person. Sorry, dude. We call that single.


Single - Casual Dating
Many monogamous people will engage in casual dating. This is a matter of going out with various people. For some, this is a process designed to find a partner that they would like to get more serious with. For others, it is simply a way to play the field and satisfy their physical needs. This is one of the relationship forms that most often results in conflict, as people almost never discuss the relationship contract in play leading to various people having very different expectations of where a relationship is headed and the amount of communication that is appropriate.


Exclusive Relationship
This is the form of relationship that most of us are most familiar with. Two people have a relationship with only each other with the ultimate goal of forming a strong enough relationship to lead to engagement and marriage, children, etc. Even within this relationship form, there are variations. Some people believe that a couple should do everything together. Others think that it is good to have entire segments of their lives that are separate. Some feel that fidelity is a matter only of physical action, i.e. not touching other people. Others feel that fidelity is a matter of thought as well as action (e.g. Jimmy Carter sinning in his heart). Even though this is the "default" relationship form, one should not take for granted the need to communicate about expectations. Any statement that starts with "Everybody knows that...." is usually the start of or explanation for an argument.

Open LDR (Long Distance Relationship)
This is a common situation in the monogamous world where the principles of an open relationship will come into play. Acknowledging physical and emotional needs, a couple separated by great distance may decide that they can pursue casual relationships with local partners under certain restrictions. Sometimes this is a good stopgap solution for a temporary separation. Sometimes this leads to jealousy and conflict. As in any relationship, communication is key. As in any open relationship it is crucial that both partners be honest about their feelings, concerns, and jealousies, both with their partner and, more importantly, with themselves.

Open Relationships

An open relationship is any significant relationship in which one or all partners are allowed to have outside relationships of some kind within the bounds of the relationship contract.

Swinging

This is the most free-flowing form of open relationships. Partners will engage in casual sexual contact with other people, but will not form serious relationships with them. This is a more comfortable form of open relationship for some because they do not have issues with their partner sharing their body with another person as long as they do not share their heart.

Polyamory

Polyamory is a neologism which literally means "many loves." In a polyamorous relationship, the participants may have emotional relationships with others. There are many different forms that this takes in application. In some relationships, new partners must be approved by other partners. Some people are allowed to have emotional relationships but are limited in physical activities. Others can do anything physically, but there are limits on emotional attachments. The key difference between swinging and polyamory is that swingers only engage in casual sex outside the relationship, while one who is polyamorous may develop deeper emotional relationships.

Primary/Secondary Polyamory (Hierarchical Polyamory)

In Hierarchical polyamory, some relationships are considered to be more significant than others. For example, a married couple in an open marriage could be considered to be hierarchical. The partners may have relationships with other people, but ultimately, the spouse comes first. It is in these situations where it is more common to find veto arrangements, where one's partner may approve or reject a potential secondary relationship. 

Non-Heirarctical Poly

Although philosophically very different, structurally, this relationship style is similar to what single monogamous  folks do. People develop relationships, generally dating as they like, although sometimes there are rules and limits placed from existing relationships. The key philosophical difference between this and single monogamous is that polyamorous people generally feel an obligation to their partners and their needs and 

concerns, while casual dating tends to have more of a caveat emptor approach. Of course, this is not true for everyone in either case, but it is the general trend.

Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity is a relationship structure in which multiple partners form a committed group relationship. This can be an exclusive arrangement, or it can allow for additional outside relationships.

Exclusive Multi-Partner Arrangements
This is similar to monogamy, but the closed relationship is among more than two people. The members of the relationship do not have relationships outside the group. Besides the obvious, the key difference is that, while monogamy assumes that one will be with one other person for the rest of their life and no other, it is not impossible that a new person could be introduced into the group. This tends to be a fairly complex and uncommon process, meaning that exclusive polyfidelity tends to be a fairly stable, unchanging structure, compared to other polyamorous structures.

Polygamy
Polygamy, meaning one person with multiple spouses who are exclusive to that person, is technically a subset of exclusive multi-partner arrangements. Polygyny is a single man with multiple wives, likewise polyandry a single woman with multiple husbands. Although new partners may be added in the future, by the nature of the arrangement, there will only be one man or woman depending on the type. Historically, this is the common form of multiple partner marriages and arrangements, mostly because, unlike a group marriage, it makes issues of heredity simpler. If the king has 10 wives, you can still tell who his first born is. If the king has 10 wives and 5 co-husbands, it is much harder to know who the first born prince is.

This structure is largely out of favor in most circles: out of favor in the monogamous community because it is so radical, and out of favor in the polyamorous communities because it is so sexually regressive.

Open Polyfidelity

In open polyfidelity, there is a group at the center of the structure, but various members of the group maintain their separate relationships outside the core group. Some groups let people date openly, others require group approval for any new relationships, and others have different arrangements. Like other relationships, there are as many forms for this to take as there are polyfidelitous groups.

This is just a brief overview of various relationship concepts. Trying to explain all of these ideas in one post is like trying to explain science in 700 words, but this gives you the broad strokes. In future articles, we will delve into many of these topics in much greater detail.