Going against the conventional wisdom, a study published last year says that couples who cohabitate before marriage are actually more likely to divorce than those who do not. Being logical and rational folks, we have the idea that we should try something out before committing to it. We test drive a car before buying it. We read a couple of pages of a book we are thinking of getting. What if, however, that attitude, rather than keeping us out of undesirable relationships, actually causes our marriages not to last.
Rationality is all well and good, but it is a double edged sword. Too often, we apply a seemingly rational process to a situation. We then pursue the result that we find with absolute confidence. After all, we reached the decision rationally. What if the process was flawed?
When heading towards marriage, many people believe that they know what they want. They might want a person with a good income, a good heart, or a good sense of humor. Perhaps they want love, attention, and passion. Marriage, however, is not about any of those specific things. Marriage is about a lifelong commitment between two people. Two becoming one. Of course, this does not appeal to us Americans. We are rocks! We are islands! We need no one else and can do everything on our own.
If you are truly an island, don't get married. You don't need to, and you will eventually divorce, finding the situation too confining for too little benefit. If you are a mortal like the rest of us, however, understand that the true value of marriage is having someone in your life whose destiny is tied to yours. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, two people are joined, sharing dreams, aspirations, and defeats, but always knowing that their partner is there for them on their side.
You cannot trade up from this situation. Perhaps you have been married for a long time and your spouse is showing their age a bit. You think that maybe you can do younger with a younger person. Even if this new person is everything that you could ever dream of, there is something that this younger person will never be able to offer you: the relationship that has grown through decades of sharing with and depending on each other.
The strength and value of marriage is in the connection. It is that simple and that complicated.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Time Versus Quality Time
One of the biggest issues that can develop in a long term relationship is time. Unfortunately, not all time spent together is created equal. Sometimes, a couple will spend some time together, and one person will think it is time well spend, but the other will still feel neglected. This points out the difference between time and quality time.
For some couples, they are happy to simply spend time in the same place doing, even if they are working on different things. For others, only certain activities are satisfying for quality time. Even for couples who are happy to spend casual time together, it is still important to make special time to reconnect.
The common trap, especially for cohabitating couples, is that they will spend a great deal of time in the same place and forget to spent good time together. When the couple first got together, they probably talked about other things besides bills, kids, and the slow drain in the shower. However, day by day, the little, niggling issues of life distract them. They don't realize that, while they may spend dozens of hours a week together, none of these hours are spend rebuilding and strengthening their relationship.
It is important that a couple makes time to do things that bring them together. This could mean making a date night. This could mean working on fun projects together. The important thing is to make sure that time is set aside to do things that are enjoyable to both of them. Time that is separate from the day to day tasks of living.
For some couples, they are happy to simply spend time in the same place doing, even if they are working on different things. For others, only certain activities are satisfying for quality time. Even for couples who are happy to spend casual time together, it is still important to make special time to reconnect.
The common trap, especially for cohabitating couples, is that they will spend a great deal of time in the same place and forget to spent good time together. When the couple first got together, they probably talked about other things besides bills, kids, and the slow drain in the shower. However, day by day, the little, niggling issues of life distract them. They don't realize that, while they may spend dozens of hours a week together, none of these hours are spend rebuilding and strengthening their relationship.
It is important that a couple makes time to do things that bring them together. This could mean making a date night. This could mean working on fun projects together. The important thing is to make sure that time is set aside to do things that are enjoyable to both of them. Time that is separate from the day to day tasks of living.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Modus Communicatus
The modern world provides us with a great variety of technologies which allow us to communicate more efficiently than ever. In some situations, this means that we can be much more effective. In others, it simply means that we can create more misunderstandings per hour than we ever could have without the assistance of technology. The root of the problem is that, when communication becomes easier, we are inclined to do it with less thought. Even worse, too many people, caught up in the ease of texting and other modern modes, fail to realize just how ineffective some of these methods can be, especially for more emotional topics.
Let's consider the limitations of some communication modes. In this article, we will consider 5 common modes: speaking in person, phone, instant messaging, texting, and email.
As we can see, in person communication is far and away the best method for communicating clearly. This makes sense, as it is how we have been communicating as humans for hundreds of thousands of years. We have our words, intonations, and body language to work from. In person, we might say something and immediately realize that what we said was inadvertently hurtful from the body language of the person we are speaking to. In instant messenger, we might say something hurtful and not realize it, blithely digging ourselves in deeper and deeper.
The Benefits of Technology
Technology can be a great boon for busy people wishing to stay in touch. Text based communication allows low energy contact, which can create a greater sense of closeness in a relationship, even though little actual information is transmitted. Consider Emily's story:
Emily says: My boyfriend and I are both very busy people, and we do not get as much time as we would like to spend together. We both work jobs that are on the computer, so we keep AIM up all day and we chat while we work. It is nice, like sitting in the same room and working on different things. We don't talk about anything serious, but it keeps that closeness.
Instant messaging is a great tool for casual communication, sharing fun stories from work, expressing frustrations, etc. Texting is, likewise, a great tool for casually staying in touch, if you are one of those who does not mind trying to type on a tiny tiny keyboard.
For almost a century, we have been using the phone to make communication easier. Phone conversations do not work as background activities like IMing does, but they do eliminate the need to travel to be in the same place as the person one wishes to talk to. With being able to hear the voice of the one we are talking to, it can be like being right there, but there is still the lack of body language that can inhibit communication. However, when people are making a point of being clear, this issue can be overcome.
Where Technology Fails
Unfortunately, the same thing that makes IM and texting so great limits its utility. All that there is of the communication is what is on the screen, staring at you in black and white, or chartreuse and mauve, depending on your settings. No body language, no voice inflection. One does not even have the benefit of knowing how quickly or slowly the message was sent due to the delays at the server.
This means that these are fine modes for talking about the weather or work or whatever, but they are terrible formats for talking about serious things.
Candy says: I was seeing this guy and things were going pretty well. Then, there was a little issue. I told him it upset me, and he got upset and it got all kinds of out of hand. We were used to talking on IM all the time, so that's how we talked about this, but no matter what I said, he just got more and more upset until we ended up breaking up. I'm not even sure what it was all about to begin with.
What happened in Candy's situation is that they fell into the trap of being used to talking online about light and fluffy things. Suddenly they had something serious to talk about, and it did not occur to either of them to pick up the telephone.
The problem is that we tend to associate emotions with words. If we can hear the voice of the person that we are talking to, we will ascribe the emotions that we hear to the words. On the other hand, if we cannot hear them and only have their written words to work from, we will ascribe the emotions in our own head to the words. Words that are meant to be conciliatory can be read as sarcastic. Gentle apology can be misread as condescension.
This can happen with email, Facebook comments, and other epistolary communications, but it is even more pronounced with instant messaging. In an email, you might take a moment to reread the letter before replying. Instant messaging tends to be more instant. One often reads quickly and replies quickly. Looking back on a chat log, one will often find that they were the one to accidentally inflame the situation by misreading a statement by the other person.
PUTFP
The acronym above stands for "Pick Up The Phone". Email, instant messenger, and text are great for what they are good for, but always remember their limitations. When things start getting heated, pick up the phone, or, better yet, talk to them face to face. It doesn't matter if you are talking to a friend, a coworker, a romantic partner, or a business associate. Why risk the relationship over some stupid miscommunication, when you could clear things up easily by picking up the phone.
Let's consider the limitations of some communication modes. In this article, we will consider 5 common modes: speaking in person, phone, instant messaging, texting, and email.
The Benefits of Technology
Technology can be a great boon for busy people wishing to stay in touch. Text based communication allows low energy contact, which can create a greater sense of closeness in a relationship, even though little actual information is transmitted. Consider Emily's story:
Emily says: My boyfriend and I are both very busy people, and we do not get as much time as we would like to spend together. We both work jobs that are on the computer, so we keep AIM up all day and we chat while we work. It is nice, like sitting in the same room and working on different things. We don't talk about anything serious, but it keeps that closeness.
Instant messaging is a great tool for casual communication, sharing fun stories from work, expressing frustrations, etc. Texting is, likewise, a great tool for casually staying in touch, if you are one of those who does not mind trying to type on a tiny tiny keyboard.
For almost a century, we have been using the phone to make communication easier. Phone conversations do not work as background activities like IMing does, but they do eliminate the need to travel to be in the same place as the person one wishes to talk to. With being able to hear the voice of the one we are talking to, it can be like being right there, but there is still the lack of body language that can inhibit communication. However, when people are making a point of being clear, this issue can be overcome.
Where Technology Fails
Unfortunately, the same thing that makes IM and texting so great limits its utility. All that there is of the communication is what is on the screen, staring at you in black and white, or chartreuse and mauve, depending on your settings. No body language, no voice inflection. One does not even have the benefit of knowing how quickly or slowly the message was sent due to the delays at the server.
This means that these are fine modes for talking about the weather or work or whatever, but they are terrible formats for talking about serious things.
Candy says: I was seeing this guy and things were going pretty well. Then, there was a little issue. I told him it upset me, and he got upset and it got all kinds of out of hand. We were used to talking on IM all the time, so that's how we talked about this, but no matter what I said, he just got more and more upset until we ended up breaking up. I'm not even sure what it was all about to begin with.
What happened in Candy's situation is that they fell into the trap of being used to talking online about light and fluffy things. Suddenly they had something serious to talk about, and it did not occur to either of them to pick up the telephone.
The problem is that we tend to associate emotions with words. If we can hear the voice of the person that we are talking to, we will ascribe the emotions that we hear to the words. On the other hand, if we cannot hear them and only have their written words to work from, we will ascribe the emotions in our own head to the words. Words that are meant to be conciliatory can be read as sarcastic. Gentle apology can be misread as condescension.
This can happen with email, Facebook comments, and other epistolary communications, but it is even more pronounced with instant messaging. In an email, you might take a moment to reread the letter before replying. Instant messaging tends to be more instant. One often reads quickly and replies quickly. Looking back on a chat log, one will often find that they were the one to accidentally inflame the situation by misreading a statement by the other person.
PUTFP
The acronym above stands for "Pick Up The Phone". Email, instant messenger, and text are great for what they are good for, but always remember their limitations. When things start getting heated, pick up the phone, or, better yet, talk to them face to face. It doesn't matter if you are talking to a friend, a coworker, a romantic partner, or a business associate. Why risk the relationship over some stupid miscommunication, when you could clear things up easily by picking up the phone.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Power Dynamics
Few topics are more relevant to almost every aspect of our lives than power dynamics. In almost any situation where people come together, there will be people in more dominant and people in more submissive positions. BDSM-style Dominance & Submission is a process of intentionally creating artificial power dynamics for the enjoyment and satisfaction of the participants, but these dynamics occur naturally everywhere.
There are some situations where the dynamics are fairly obvious: a boss and employees, parent and child, etc. However, often the dynamics become more complex.
Power Struggles and Control
In many situations, the lines of authority can become blurred. Imagine a situation where parents lose control of their children. Even when power dynamics should be obvious, there are always ways for authority to slip away from the dominant position, such as a parent who loses credibility in the eyes of their children through hypocrisy, or a teacher or boss who undermines their authority with capricious and unfair discipline.
In many of the situations described above, the authority figure takes power, rather than having power given to them. An employee submits to the boss because it is necessary, but not always because he respects the boss enough to choose to submit. This will always result in a non-ideal situation. The boss' authority is always in doubt. Those who are forced to submit, only do so because of the external and titular authority that the boss has. If the boss' position ever comes to be in doubt, he will discover that power taken is only as strong as the authority by which one has taken it.
Earning Power, Giving Power
The best way to gain power is to earn it. This means developing respect in the subordinate such that they would gladly submit voluntarily, not just because they have to but because they want to. One might subordinate themselves for any number of reasons. They could do so because the authority figure makes them feel that he cares for them. It could be that the one that they give respect has earned it through competence and achievement. Or, it could be for any number of other reasons.
The important thing is the loyalty that this kind of power dynamic creates. A subordinate who respects a leader will support that leader in rough times as well as smooth. He might even follow the leader if the leader were to leave the organization. This is true loyalty, not just following orders.
Power Dynamics in Romantic Relationships
Relationship power dynamics are fairly similar, except that power which is taken is not only a recipe for a weaker connection, but it is unhealthy. No one in a relationship should ever subordinate themselves because they feel that they have to. Unfortunately, this often happens for a number of reasons. It can be economic, where one party is bringing in the money and the other is financially dependent. It can be emotional, where one holds the emotional cards and the other is afraid to lose their partner that they will do anything to stay. These situations only become uneven power dynamics if the party with the power chooses to use it to create the dynamic. There are plenty of relationships where one person makes much more money but they still treat it as an even partnership, making it perfectly healthy.
On the other hand, a healthy power dynamic can be created when power is given. One partner may choose to submit to the other. They may do this for a specific time or in specific arenas or it can be overall throughout the relationship. This can be sexual, as in a D/s relationship, but it can also be non-sexual. A man who brings home the paycheck but his wife handles the finances is an example. He is giving her the power to control the purse-strings because of his esteem for her abilities. On the other hand, she may yield to him the power to represent the family in business matters because she respects his abilities to negotiate. In this case, there is a power dynamic. Each person gets some control over the other, but this control is given voluntarily, and can be revoked if it is every abused or misused, creating a healthy situation.
There are some situations where the dynamics are fairly obvious: a boss and employees, parent and child, etc. However, often the dynamics become more complex.
Power Struggles and Control
In many situations, the lines of authority can become blurred. Imagine a situation where parents lose control of their children. Even when power dynamics should be obvious, there are always ways for authority to slip away from the dominant position, such as a parent who loses credibility in the eyes of their children through hypocrisy, or a teacher or boss who undermines their authority with capricious and unfair discipline.
In many of the situations described above, the authority figure takes power, rather than having power given to them. An employee submits to the boss because it is necessary, but not always because he respects the boss enough to choose to submit. This will always result in a non-ideal situation. The boss' authority is always in doubt. Those who are forced to submit, only do so because of the external and titular authority that the boss has. If the boss' position ever comes to be in doubt, he will discover that power taken is only as strong as the authority by which one has taken it.
Earning Power, Giving Power
The best way to gain power is to earn it. This means developing respect in the subordinate such that they would gladly submit voluntarily, not just because they have to but because they want to. One might subordinate themselves for any number of reasons. They could do so because the authority figure makes them feel that he cares for them. It could be that the one that they give respect has earned it through competence and achievement. Or, it could be for any number of other reasons.
The important thing is the loyalty that this kind of power dynamic creates. A subordinate who respects a leader will support that leader in rough times as well as smooth. He might even follow the leader if the leader were to leave the organization. This is true loyalty, not just following orders.
Power Dynamics in Romantic Relationships
Relationship power dynamics are fairly similar, except that power which is taken is not only a recipe for a weaker connection, but it is unhealthy. No one in a relationship should ever subordinate themselves because they feel that they have to. Unfortunately, this often happens for a number of reasons. It can be economic, where one party is bringing in the money and the other is financially dependent. It can be emotional, where one holds the emotional cards and the other is afraid to lose their partner that they will do anything to stay. These situations only become uneven power dynamics if the party with the power chooses to use it to create the dynamic. There are plenty of relationships where one person makes much more money but they still treat it as an even partnership, making it perfectly healthy.
On the other hand, a healthy power dynamic can be created when power is given. One partner may choose to submit to the other. They may do this for a specific time or in specific arenas or it can be overall throughout the relationship. This can be sexual, as in a D/s relationship, but it can also be non-sexual. A man who brings home the paycheck but his wife handles the finances is an example. He is giving her the power to control the purse-strings because of his esteem for her abilities. On the other hand, she may yield to him the power to represent the family in business matters because she respects his abilities to negotiate. In this case, there is a power dynamic. Each person gets some control over the other, but this control is given voluntarily, and can be revoked if it is every abused or misused, creating a healthy situation.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Vanilla Fetish
Most everyone has some sexual interest which is not strictly mainstream. This does not mean that they act on it or even know that they could act on it, but there is something beyond simple missionary position that would really get their blood pumping (and possibly other things). If you find someone who is really into nothing but "normal" missionary sex, one could call that a fetish. It is certainly rarer than many of the more common fetishes out there.
On the Novicies & Newbies Group on Fetlife, there are often questions about how to find other kinky people, as if kinky people are some different sub-species from the rest of the population. There are, indeed, two kinds of people, but they are not kinky and vanilla. They are people who know their kinks and fetishes, using this understanding to have a more fulfilling sex life, and there are those who do not indulge in their kinks because they do not understand that they can.
Emily says: When I first realized that I was a masochist, I was not sure where to find kinky people. I would get into a relationship, but when I told the person that I was kinky, they would often get scared off. I later came to realize that when they hear "kinky" they are thinking of someone who is into being suspended from hooks in their back while being whipped and lit on fire, when all I wanted was spanking, biting, and flogging.
Labels are valuable for quick and easy identification. When one kinky person says to another that they are kinky, what they are saying is that they understand that people have kinks and are open to learning about other people's kinks. They are not saying what they are into. When one tells a "vanilla" person that they are kinky, there is the danger that a great deal more will be grouped into that label than is strictly true.
As Emily found in her experience, there are many people out there who would not call themselves kinky but are perfectly happy to spank their partner if it turns her on. Even if it does not do anything for them, they might be happy to do whatever their partner is into, as any good lover is interested in pleasing their partner in any way that they are able and willing to.
If one says that they are kinky, it could make their partner nervous, not knowing what to expect. However, if one says that they are into being spanked, or even something heavier like choking, the other person might be willing to do it. They are accepting that they will do this one thing, as opposed to "trying out kink," which sounds a bit more involved.
Dominick says: If I meet a woman who is not in the scene, I don't talk to her about kink in general. That might scare her off. I will just mention or just try certain things. Most women respond well to light to medium scratching and some biting. A surprising number of the "vanilla" women I have met very much enjoyed a hand on their throat. You never know until you ask.
As I said before, kinky people are not a different species. Kinky sex is also, for most people, not so much different from vanilla sex. There is a large grey area between them. Sure, golden showers and blood play are pretty clearly on the kink side of the line, but biting, scratching, spanking, and even light choking are all quite common in the vanilla world.
Labels are valuable for trying to identify and group people and concepts, but don't get carried away. Labels should improve communication. As soon as they create confusion, discard them and find a new way to look at things.
On the Novicies & Newbies Group on Fetlife, there are often questions about how to find other kinky people, as if kinky people are some different sub-species from the rest of the population. There are, indeed, two kinds of people, but they are not kinky and vanilla. They are people who know their kinks and fetishes, using this understanding to have a more fulfilling sex life, and there are those who do not indulge in their kinks because they do not understand that they can.
Emily says: When I first realized that I was a masochist, I was not sure where to find kinky people. I would get into a relationship, but when I told the person that I was kinky, they would often get scared off. I later came to realize that when they hear "kinky" they are thinking of someone who is into being suspended from hooks in their back while being whipped and lit on fire, when all I wanted was spanking, biting, and flogging.
Labels are valuable for quick and easy identification. When one kinky person says to another that they are kinky, what they are saying is that they understand that people have kinks and are open to learning about other people's kinks. They are not saying what they are into. When one tells a "vanilla" person that they are kinky, there is the danger that a great deal more will be grouped into that label than is strictly true.
As Emily found in her experience, there are many people out there who would not call themselves kinky but are perfectly happy to spank their partner if it turns her on. Even if it does not do anything for them, they might be happy to do whatever their partner is into, as any good lover is interested in pleasing their partner in any way that they are able and willing to.
If one says that they are kinky, it could make their partner nervous, not knowing what to expect. However, if one says that they are into being spanked, or even something heavier like choking, the other person might be willing to do it. They are accepting that they will do this one thing, as opposed to "trying out kink," which sounds a bit more involved.
Dominick says: If I meet a woman who is not in the scene, I don't talk to her about kink in general. That might scare her off. I will just mention or just try certain things. Most women respond well to light to medium scratching and some biting. A surprising number of the "vanilla" women I have met very much enjoyed a hand on their throat. You never know until you ask.
As I said before, kinky people are not a different species. Kinky sex is also, for most people, not so much different from vanilla sex. There is a large grey area between them. Sure, golden showers and blood play are pretty clearly on the kink side of the line, but biting, scratching, spanking, and even light choking are all quite common in the vanilla world.
Labels are valuable for trying to identify and group people and concepts, but don't get carried away. Labels should improve communication. As soon as they create confusion, discard them and find a new way to look at things.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Relationship Levels
As we have discussed in previous articles, there are many varieties of relationship style. There are also different levels of commitment in relationships. In this article, we will be discussing various levels of relationships. What follows is sampling of relationship levels, providing a rough framework. This is not an exhaustive list, and the specific terminology is not standardized. The purpose of this article is to make clear that there are a great variety of levels of commitment in relationships.
In this article, I will be referring to the Three Axis Model as discussed in this article.
Chew Toy (a.k.a. Hook-Up)
This term describes an extremely casual relationship which is purely on the Physical Axis. The partners are interested exclusively in physical contact and little else.
F*&%buddy (a.k.a. Acquaintance With Benefits)
This is a casual, sex-based relationship in which the participants have social contact and might even have a bit in common, but the main cohesive force of the relationship is sexual relations.
Friend with benefits
Similar to the above, but with a stronger element of the Friend Axis. This relationship has a sexual element, but the participants also get along well socially. The emotional (love) aspect is not present in any significant way. (See Friends With Benefits)
Casual Dating
This is similar to friends with benefits, but the objective is different. Generally friends with benefits relationships are not intended to develop into anything more serious. Casual dating, on the other hand, is intended as a test drive for a potentially more serious partner. One will often casually date multiple people in order to get a good idea of what they are looking for. (See The Lost Art of Casual Dating.)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Once one has selected a serious partner, they will move onto a more committed relationship. This usually starts with terms like girlfriend and boyfriend, and may progress to fiance/ee and, eventually, spouse. This is where we start moving into to more serious, three-axis relationships.
Primary
This is a polyamory term for the main relationship. Generally, this relationship is a serious, committed relationship. If it is necessary to choose between partners (e.g. one is moving across the country and the other is staying behind, what should you do?), the primary is generally chosen. The primary partner may also have some control over other relationships that their partner has.
Secondary
This is a polyamorous term for relationships beyond the primary relationship. These relationships can be every bit as serious as the primary relationship or they can be relatively casual. The important factor is that it is understood that the primary relationship takes precedence over secondary relationships.
In this article, I will be referring to the Three Axis Model as discussed in this article.
Chew Toy (a.k.a. Hook-Up)
This term describes an extremely casual relationship which is purely on the Physical Axis. The partners are interested exclusively in physical contact and little else.
F*&%buddy (a.k.a. Acquaintance With Benefits)
This is a casual, sex-based relationship in which the participants have social contact and might even have a bit in common, but the main cohesive force of the relationship is sexual relations.
Friend with benefits
Similar to the above, but with a stronger element of the Friend Axis. This relationship has a sexual element, but the participants also get along well socially. The emotional (love) aspect is not present in any significant way. (See Friends With Benefits)
Casual Dating
This is similar to friends with benefits, but the objective is different. Generally friends with benefits relationships are not intended to develop into anything more serious. Casual dating, on the other hand, is intended as a test drive for a potentially more serious partner. One will often casually date multiple people in order to get a good idea of what they are looking for. (See The Lost Art of Casual Dating.)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Once one has selected a serious partner, they will move onto a more committed relationship. This usually starts with terms like girlfriend and boyfriend, and may progress to fiance/ee and, eventually, spouse. This is where we start moving into to more serious, three-axis relationships.
Primary
This is a polyamory term for the main relationship. Generally, this relationship is a serious, committed relationship. If it is necessary to choose between partners (e.g. one is moving across the country and the other is staying behind, what should you do?), the primary is generally chosen. The primary partner may also have some control over other relationships that their partner has.
Secondary
This is a polyamorous term for relationships beyond the primary relationship. These relationships can be every bit as serious as the primary relationship or they can be relatively casual. The important factor is that it is understood that the primary relationship takes precedence over secondary relationships.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Mono-poly
A reader asked that I write an article about monogamous/polyamorous relationships, meaning a relationship in which one partner sees other people and the other does not. This is a fairly broad topic, but I will give an overview. The main question that the reader was asking is "Can poly/mono relationships work and what are the issues that should be considered?"
The most important question in looking at a poly/mono situation is why the situation exists. The poly/mono situation can occur for a number of reasons, and this means that two poly/mono situations can be extremely different in the issues that can arise.
I Cannot Satisfy That Need
One common situation is that in which Partner A feels that they are unable to satisfy their partner's (Partner B) needs for one reason or another. Sometimes it is as simple as Partner A has a reduced sex drive for whatever reason and encourages Partner B to find someone else to satisfy that need. In other situations, Partner B has some sort of fetish which Partner A is unwilling or unable to fulfill but wants Partner B to be able to satisfy their need.
Partner A's motivation here is generally a combination of the desire to please their partner and the desire to remove pressure from themselves to satisfy a need that they cannot satisfy. The most common pitfall in this situation is that Partner B will not believe that Partner A is really okay with the arrangement such as the following situation:
Suzie says: I had a friend who was married. After a few years, she lost her sex drive for various reasons including some medication she was on. Her husband, obviously, was not happy about it, so she told him that she would not mind if he found someone else with whom to get her needs met. He thought it was some kind of trick, so he never took her up on it. They ended up splitting up, and a good part of that was his sexual dissatisfaction.
The other pitfall is that Partner A is not really as okay with the idea as they think they are. They will think that they can handle it, but jealousy will rear it's ugly head once theory becomes reality.
As in all "non-traditional" relationships communication is vital as unexpected emotional issues will come up. These issues can be dealt with if both people are willing to be open, honest, and loving in dealing with the situation.
You Cannot Satisfy That Need
Another situation is that Partner B finds that Partner A is not satisfying their needs in some way. A poly/mono situation can be the solution to this, but tends to be a very difficult solution to implement successfully. First, it is important that Partner B be quite happy with Partner A in all ways except that one particular thing that is missing. If there are serious underlying problems in the relationship, adding more partners will only make things more complicated and messy.
It is also very difficult to have the conversation of "I love you, but I have needs that you cannot fulfill." Many people will take offense at such a sentiment. However, if Partner A understands the situation and recognizes that it is not a personal failing on their part.
Poly Sounds Good, but I Don't Need It
Another common situation in which poly/mono can work is a couple in which one partner has the desire to see other people and the other simply does not.
Emily says: I am polyamorous and always will be. One man that I dated had no interest in seeing other people. His attitude was that one woman is more than enough work, why would he want more? He had no problem with me seeing other people, but he just didn't want the effort.
This situation can work very well as long as it is true. Some people will claim to be okay with their partner seeing other people, especially when the relationship is starting, because they want to be with the person and will say whatever they need to in order to do so. Then, once the relationship gets going, it will come out that they are not comfortable with things. This never ends well.
I Think We Should See Other Occupations
Some people are so serious about their work or other commitments that it could be considered a secondary or even primary relationship. These people are often perfectly happy for their partner to see other people while they are exclusive to their partner. Because they are extremely dedicated to their work or other activities, they do not want to have to be everything to someone, and they are happy that their partner can have their needs satisfied without them having to take the energy.
These are just a few examples of poly/mono situations. As always, your mileage may vary. There are as many ways to set up a relationship as there are relationships. Some couples are partially open. For example, they can do sadomasochism with other people, but they don't have sex with anyone else. Other couples will make out with other people at parties but be otherwise exclusive. There are challenges to any form of relationship, but as long as the couple is willing to be open and honest in their approach, anything can work if it is what works for them.
The most important question in looking at a poly/mono situation is why the situation exists. The poly/mono situation can occur for a number of reasons, and this means that two poly/mono situations can be extremely different in the issues that can arise.
I Cannot Satisfy That Need
One common situation is that in which Partner A feels that they are unable to satisfy their partner's (Partner B) needs for one reason or another. Sometimes it is as simple as Partner A has a reduced sex drive for whatever reason and encourages Partner B to find someone else to satisfy that need. In other situations, Partner B has some sort of fetish which Partner A is unwilling or unable to fulfill but wants Partner B to be able to satisfy their need.
Partner A's motivation here is generally a combination of the desire to please their partner and the desire to remove pressure from themselves to satisfy a need that they cannot satisfy. The most common pitfall in this situation is that Partner B will not believe that Partner A is really okay with the arrangement such as the following situation:
Suzie says: I had a friend who was married. After a few years, she lost her sex drive for various reasons including some medication she was on. Her husband, obviously, was not happy about it, so she told him that she would not mind if he found someone else with whom to get her needs met. He thought it was some kind of trick, so he never took her up on it. They ended up splitting up, and a good part of that was his sexual dissatisfaction.
The other pitfall is that Partner A is not really as okay with the idea as they think they are. They will think that they can handle it, but jealousy will rear it's ugly head once theory becomes reality.
As in all "non-traditional" relationships communication is vital as unexpected emotional issues will come up. These issues can be dealt with if both people are willing to be open, honest, and loving in dealing with the situation.
You Cannot Satisfy That Need
Another situation is that Partner B finds that Partner A is not satisfying their needs in some way. A poly/mono situation can be the solution to this, but tends to be a very difficult solution to implement successfully. First, it is important that Partner B be quite happy with Partner A in all ways except that one particular thing that is missing. If there are serious underlying problems in the relationship, adding more partners will only make things more complicated and messy.
It is also very difficult to have the conversation of "I love you, but I have needs that you cannot fulfill." Many people will take offense at such a sentiment. However, if Partner A understands the situation and recognizes that it is not a personal failing on their part.
Poly Sounds Good, but I Don't Need It
Another common situation in which poly/mono can work is a couple in which one partner has the desire to see other people and the other simply does not.
Emily says: I am polyamorous and always will be. One man that I dated had no interest in seeing other people. His attitude was that one woman is more than enough work, why would he want more? He had no problem with me seeing other people, but he just didn't want the effort.
This situation can work very well as long as it is true. Some people will claim to be okay with their partner seeing other people, especially when the relationship is starting, because they want to be with the person and will say whatever they need to in order to do so. Then, once the relationship gets going, it will come out that they are not comfortable with things. This never ends well.
I Think We Should See Other Occupations
Some people are so serious about their work or other commitments that it could be considered a secondary or even primary relationship. These people are often perfectly happy for their partner to see other people while they are exclusive to their partner. Because they are extremely dedicated to their work or other activities, they do not want to have to be everything to someone, and they are happy that their partner can have their needs satisfied without them having to take the energy.
These are just a few examples of poly/mono situations. As always, your mileage may vary. There are as many ways to set up a relationship as there are relationships. Some couples are partially open. For example, they can do sadomasochism with other people, but they don't have sex with anyone else. Other couples will make out with other people at parties but be otherwise exclusive. There are challenges to any form of relationship, but as long as the couple is willing to be open and honest in their approach, anything can work if it is what works for them.
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