Kink 101, Part 4: The Line Between Kink and Abuse

This is the third in a six part series on kink. In this series, we will discuss the following topics:
8/16: Introduction to kink
8/17: Sadomasochism
8/18: Dominance and Submission
8/19: Abuses of Power
8/20: Your Kink Is OK
8/21: Safely Expressing Extreme Fetishes


It is important to speak of abuse in regards to kink for two reasons: the first is that some who are uninformed will mistake healthy, consensual kink for abuse. The second is that one might confuse abuse for kink.


Abuse can only really happen in a situation where there is an uneven power dynamic. If someone walked up to you on the street and hit you, you would probably fight back or call the police. However, a person with whom you have a relationship hurts you, they may leverage their power in the relationship to keep you from taking action. Furthermore, they may use isolation and ego-busting language to make you feel powerless to respond.


In a vanilla relationship, there are fairly clear markers for abuse such as violence, humiliation, and isolation. These three things are inappropriate in a vanilla relationship, but they are all themes which may be played with in a kinky relationship which may make it more difficult to be able to easily discern when play becomes abuse.


Relationships Should Make A Person Stronger and Happier
One rule of thumb to keep in mind is that a relationship should make a person better, stronger, happier. A submissive should feel pride and self esteem at his ability to please his master. He may feel disappointment when he fails to please his master, but this disappointment should be out of a desire to do well, rather from a sense of inadequacy.


Good Pain, Bad Pain
It is common in kink for a top to perform violence upon the bottom. Sometimes this violence is pretty clearly sexualized, such as spanking and flogging. However, some couples will indulge in activities like face slapping, choking, and even punching. They do this because they enjoy the sensation of it and/or the scene that it creates, and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it is consensual. The bottom must always have the power to stop the scene immediately, and the top should never be striking the bottom in anger outside of a scene (unless this has been pre-negotiated with the bottom).


It is also very important that any sadomasochistic activity be done with great care for safety. Abuse is generally striking out in anger or to maintain an inappropriate level of control. Sadomasochistic violence, on the other hand, should be very controlled and, to some degree, planned. The sting of a flogger may be sexy. The throb of a twisted ankle is not.


Good Humiliation, Bad Humiliation
The purpose of humiliation in a scene is to create an artificial power dynamic which is sexy by its contrast to the reality. Even in a humiliation scene, the submissive should feel better about himself after it is over, proud of his performance and the appreciation of his dominant. If a scene is causing the submissive to think less of himself, to feel dirty or uncomfortable, then it is inappropriate.


Just as with sadomasochism one must be careful about causing physical harm, with humiliation and other psychological play it is just as important, if not more so, to be careful about causing psychological harm. Scenes like humiliation must be conducted carefully, and the top must be very careful to monitor the bottom in order to make sure that he is still  in a mental place to be able to use the safeword if necessary.


Isolation and High Protocol
High protocol relationships must be crafted carefully to avoid potentially abusive dynamics. A high protocol relationship is one in which the dominant controls many details of the submissive's life. There may be rules for how the submissive may address the dominant, and even rules for how the submissive may speak to those outside of the relationship. For some submissives, this kind of relationship is very comforting. The rituals and structure create a sense of comfort and safety.


It is important that the protocol must be structured in such a way as to allow the submissive to address concerns to the dominant. It is also important to make sure that the protocol does not disrupt relationships with friends and family. It is entirely possible to get so deep into protocol that one forgets the importance of maintaining these crucial outside relationships.


Dan says: I had a friend who got into a high protocol relationship. I tried to talk to her one time, and she said to me, "Do not approach me when he is not present. He will take offense." I was shocked and this friend of a few years has not talked to me since because of this "high protocol" situation.


The Rest of the World is Not In Your Scene
Dan's story brings up the important point that other people are not in your scene. You can do whatever you want between the two of you, but do not expect friends, family, and strangers to abide by your relationship protocols.




Overall, a relationship should make you happy. It should make you a better person. If some part of your relationship makes you uncomfortable, you should address it. Your discomfort is a warning sign indicating a problem with the situation, never a failing on your part.

Kink 101, Part 2: Making It Hurt So Good

This is the second in a six part series on kink. In this series, we will discuss the following topics:
8/16: Introduction to kink
8/17: Sadomasochism
8/18: Dominance and Submission
8/19: Abuses of Power
8/20: Your Kink Is OK
8/21: Safely Expressing Extreme Fetishes


Sadomasochism is the element that mainstream people most commonly associate with kink. The whip bearing dominatrix. The submissive begging for punishment. These are some of the archetypal images of kink. While there is a great deal more to kink than sadomasochism, it is a very common kink pursuit and a good place to start.


This is an area of kink where safety is extremely important. Nobody wants to have to explain a bedroom injury to an emergency room doctor. More importantly, people are generally playing with someone that they care about, and most people would rather not cause serious injury to someone that they care about (or even someone that they don't care about, for that matter.)


As we discussed yesterday, the appeal of sadomasochism is that it creates an intense experience. The pain is felt as intense sensation, which, for a masochist in the right headspace, is quite pleasurable. The extreme sensation causes the release of endorphins, the same neurochemical that causes runner's high.


Sadomasochism can take many forms. Some tops use the tools that God provide with their body: hands for spanking and slapping, nails for scratching, and teeth for biting. There are also implements, sometimes referred to as toys, which are used for causing erotic plain. Almost anything can be used, as long as it is used safely. Two of the most common toys used are floggers and paddles.

A floggerOriginal image address

Floggers
One of the most common toys used for this kind of play is a flogger. This description is from the Wikipedia article on flogging: 


The flogger used in this context consists of a handle with an number of attached thongs known as "falls". Falls are typically made of materials such as suede, leather, rubber, rope, or other or flexible materials. The length, number, and composition of the falls determines the sensation caused by the flogger. Floggers are usually characterized by the sensation they cause. "Thuddy" floggers typically impart a broadly felt deep muscle impact, while "stingy" floggers are felt as a sharp stinging sensation over the skin. The sensation of floggers can also vary with the techniques used by the dominant (or top).


Floggers are typically applied to areas of the body which are well muscled, or protected by body fat, such as the upper back or buttocks. Vulnerable areas such as the abdomen, kidneys, and face are to be avoided. Some areas, such as female breasts, can be lightly flogged safely if appropriate care and skill is used. Intense flogging can leave bruising but typically does not cut or permanently mark the skin.

A Wooden Paddle
From Wikicommons

Paddles
Another commonly used implement is a paddle. This is a piece of plastic of wood which is used to strike the buttocks. Some tops will also strike the upper thigh. It is important to be a very careful with a paddle. While a flogger may be somewhat forgiving, a paddle is a very solid and unyielding toy. Striking too hard can cause welts, or even, if one is not careful, break skin. It is also important to aim carefully, because a strike on the tail bone will not lead to a pleasant result.


Sadomasochism In Other Scenes
Often sadomasochism is done on its own or as foreplay for a sexual encounter. A flogger, for example, can build up sensitivity in the skin, and heighten the sexual experience. 


Pain can also be used in role playing scenes. For example, a couple might engage in an interrogation scene, where the bottom is tied up and beaten by the top in an attempt to extract some piece of information. In this type of scene, the pain is often just a vehicle for the top to express dominance.


Sadomasochism for Beginners
Due to safety concerns, it is important to ease into sadomasochism. One should not just grab an implement and start whacking away. First, it is important for the couple to discuss their limits and desires. Both people must be clear on what the other is hoping to get out of the experience as well as what the other is comfortable with. Yes, that communication thing again!


Often, many couples start with spanking with a hand. This is a good starting place because it does not require any special equipment, and it is relatively easy to avoid serious injury. The top is advised to start lightly and work up in intensity. This is for two reasons. First, it is better to hit too light than too hard. Second, for many bottoms, they need to work up to the headspace to enjoy a more intense sensation. Even if the top was hitting hard last time, he should still start slower the next time, to give the bottom a chance to get  into it.


If one is interested in getting more heavily involved in sadism, it is important to do the homework. Research the types of sadism that one will be using. If there is a munch or kink group in the area, it is good to go there and ask more experienced people about what dangers and pitfalls one should avoid. If there are no resources in the area, one should go on Fetlife to one of the groups for newbies. The Smart Love Group is also a good place to ask questions.


If you have specific questions and would like to remain anonymous, you may ask them through the anonymous FormSpring page for Smart Love.

Kink 101

Today marks halfway through my project of 31 articles in 31 days, and that means it is time for another series, this on one kink. In this series, we will discuss the following topics:
8/16: Introduction to kink
8/17: Sadomasochism
8/18: Dominance and Submission
8/19: Abuses of Power
8/20: Your Kink Is OK
8/21: Safely Expressing Extreme Fetishes

The pursuit of kink could be described as taking sex to a hobbyist level. Many people have sex, and some people think about sex a great deal, but most people do not often think about sex as a skill to be developed and a discipline to be studied. Kinky folks often look at sex as not merely something that you do, but something worth doing very very well. They spend great thought and effort to develop their ability to provide their partners and themselves with physical satisfaction as well as emotional and even spiritual satisfaction.

I define kink in the way because I wanted to stay away from defining it by specific activities. When people think of kink, they often think of leather, spanking and flogging, and ropes and chains, but there are kinky people who are not interested in any of that. Some are only interested in role playing, others might be into age play, gender play, wrestling, wax play, or any number of other activities. The important thing is that people in the kink community understand that there is more to sexual satisfaction that sticking Tab A into Slot B.

In many kink scenes there is a "top" and a "bottom". The top is the one who is doing something, and the bottom is the one to whom it is done. This is different from a "dominant" and a "submissive." Dominants are often tops and submissives bottoms, but not always.

In most kink scenes, something called a "safeword" is used. It is a word which would not normally come up in a scene. When the bottom uses it, the scene stops immediately. They will use it if there is a problem, if things have gotten too serious, or even if they just feel uncomfortable.

The most common activities in kink break down into a few broad categories: bondage, dominance and submission (D/s), sadomasochism (collectively BDSM), role play, and humiliation. This is not an exhaustive list, but it covers the lion's share of the activities that fall into the kink realm.

Bondage
Bondage is where a top uses things like rope, cuffs, chains, or anything else to inhibit the bottom's movement in some way. Sometimes this is part of a larger scene, but for some the bondage itself is the activity. Many rope tops become extremely involved in developing and exhibiting their skills in rope use and tying. Likewise, for many rope bottoms, there is an almost visceral satisfaction in the process of being bound and the state of being restricted.

Dominance and Submission (D/s)
D/s refers to an intentionally created power dynamic where the submissive voluntarily cedes power to the dominant. This can be for a single scene or it can be 24/7 situation in a relationship. In a healthy D/s relationship, it is understood that this power is granted voluntarily and can be rescinded at any time. Many dominants enjoy this situation because they enjoy the thrill of having power over another person. On the other hand, many submissives enjoy the experience of being able to give up control, and, more importantly, responsibility to someone else. Often people find what they are lacking in their daily lives in D/s, so people who have great responsibility will enjoy being submissive and people who desire more control find it in dominance.

A more advanced topic in D/s is humiliation. It could be referred to as an extreme form of submission. It takes the power dynamic to an extreme as the dominant will humiliate and dehumanize the submissive. Like other D/s, this is entirely consensual and the submissive can stop it at any time with the use of the safeword. The simplest form of humiliation would be using dehumanizing language and attitudes, and it can be as complex as rape scenes and gang bangs. To someone unfamiliar with the concept, this can sound like a terrible thing. Who would want to voluntarily submit to such treatment? However, for many submissives who are into humiliation, they find it cathartic and empowering. It is cathartic because it is an intense experience. After all, it's a lot easier to deal with the boss's attitude the next day when compared to the gang bang the night before. It is also empowering because, ultimately, the submissive has complete control over a scene due to the ability to stop it on a dime with the use of a safeword.

Candy says: I am a submissive, and I have done some pretty serious scenes. Some people hear about that and wonder why I would want to demean myself like that. They don't realize how empowering it is. Here I am being dommed by some serious guys with some incredible power of personality. They are doing some things to me that, were it not consensual, would be really bad, but they are doing it all for my benefit. They are giving all of that power and all of that skill for my enjoyment, and, with a single simple safeword, I can bring all the power and energy to a stop. Tell me anyplace else in life where I can feel that kind of empowerment.

Sadomasochism
For some people, intense sensations, especially pain, create intense experiences. When in the right headspace, a masochist feels pain, not as the unpleasant sensation that we usually associate with pain, but as an intense, awareness-increasing sensation. Physiologically, it causes a release of chemicals called endorphins, the same chemical that is created by intense exercise. For some masochists, the experience creates a heightened sexual experience. For others, it is a cathartic experience, a release of tension and stress, leaving them relaxed and comforted after the experience.

Emily says: A masochist gets off on pain in a scene, but it's not just any pain. It has to be in the right environment with the right mood. I enjoy a good flogging or spanking, but if I get a headache, I take an Advil just like anyone else.


Role Play
This is one of the more common areas of kink that people in the vanilla (non-kink) world often venture into. Role play is taking on a role of some kind. It could be something explicitly sexual (naughty nurse), or it could be something else, but for the purpose of achieving some kind of visceral satisfaction, such as an interrogation scene. Role play is excellent for bringing new excitement to an existing relationship, as you get to play a character different from yourself in exciting new roles. Perhaps you were an awkward geek in high school, but the thought of being the jock who deflowered the cheerleader appeals to you. You can do it in role play. Does it appeal to you to be a defenseless damsel captured by a rapacious and heartless evil lord. You can role play that too. It is almost a way to create your own custom-made, live-action porn of which you and your lover are the stars.

One of the best things about role play is that there are no limits. You can be rich. You can be vicious. You can be an innocent virgin or a crazed ax murderer. In role play, you can have a magic wand that causes orgasms; you can have force fields of bondage; you can even have mind control if you and your partner can act it out well enough. Whatever you and your partner are interested in playing out is fair game, and imaginary props are much safer and easier to clean than real props.


Of course, kink is a broad topic, and it is impossible to do it proper justice in a single article, but I hope that this gives you a general understanding of what kink is about.