Monogamy/Polyamory Scale

When people speak of being polyamourous and monogamous, different things can mean different things to different people. Most people are familiar with the Kinsey scale of sexuality, and it provides us a useful parlance for how straight or gay one is. I feel that a similar scale for monogamy/polyamoury would be useful.

I present the Smart Love Scale

Monogamous

1 – I am completely monogamous. My partner and I have no sexual contact with other people. I am not comfortable with my partner checking out other people, looking at porn or even thinking about other people sexually.

2 – I am monogamous, but I am okay with my partner fantasizing about other people, as long as those thoughts are not leading towards action. Checking someone out and looking at porn are just fine, but flirting, online or otherwise, is not acceptable.

Monogamish

3 – For the most part, it is just us, but under certain circumstances, we might play around a little bit. Playing with other people at a play space, or kissing other people at a night club. On very rare, extremely specific occasions, there might be sexual contact with someone else, but it would be after extensive discussion and negotiation.

4 – Occasionally it is okay for my partner to sleep with someone else, but under very specific rules. I may need to meet and approve the person. It may mean that casual sex is okay, but there can be no emotional attachment. It could also be that only committed secondary relationships are acceptable but casual sex is not.

Polyamourous

5 – The rules are much looser but they still exist. It is still very important to check in. There may be an approval process or very specific criteria for an outside partner. A great deal of communication is used to make sure everyone is comfortable.

6 – I am my partner's bro and wingman. If I see my partner flirting with a very attractive person, I'll give them a high five when I see them again. I might even help to find partners for my partner. I want to hear the details because I want to be part of my partner's adventures.

Keep in mind that one might be generally a 5, but in the early part of a relationship a 3 until comfort is established. Other people go the other direction, and start at a 6 but work towards a 2 as the relationship becomes more serious. There are even relationships where one person is a 6 and the other is a 3. As long as both people are comfortable with this, it's a fine way to be.

It's not a strict identity, just a terminology to explain where in the mono/poly scale a person or situation might lie.

But She's Your Wife? What Happens Next in Polyamory

I have explained polyamory for the first time to many people, and most of them have accepted it. They understand the idea of sharing and see the benefit of not expecting one person to do everything and even see how jealousy could be managed. At some point in the conversation, there is often some question like "but they stop doing this when they get married, right?"

A friend of mine is engaged, and he and his fiancee live with his other partner. People sometimes ask what the other partner will do when they get married. His answer is usually something like "get dressed up and come to the wedding." They have no intention on changing any part of their lifestyle when they become legally married.

In our modern culture with 72 day marriages and 50% divorce rates, many people, especially those who have never been married, often hold this lofty ideal of marriage as some kind of magical and eternal bond between two people. It is thought that somehow everything changes, and, if it is the right couple who really love each other, love will conquer all.

Poppycock!

If a person is inclined to polyamory before marriage, they would be inclined to polyamory afterwards. Marriage is a legal institution, which is very important for the benefits it conveys to the couple engaged in it, especially where children are involved. However, it does not turn someone into a different person.

The main reason that so many people learning about polyamory for the first time get so confused by polyamorous married people is the context in which they understand polyamory. Most mainstream Americans can pretty easily understand the idea of serial monogamy: being single and meeting a new person fairly often, having some fun with them, and moving on to the next. They can also well understand the concept of a relationship, which conveys the benefits of an ongoing connection and stability but comes with the trade-off of not being able to see other people.

To them, polyamory is a hybridization of these two concepts. The benefits of an ongoing relationship without the trade-off of exclusivity. However, this only makes sense to them for a more casual relationship: the kind of relationship that has emotional attachment but lacks the lifelong commitment of marriage or even engagement. It is in the casual nature of the relationship that it makes sense to be open to seeing other people.

There are certainly people who practice polyamory in this way. They are polyamorous until they get into a serious relationship with the right person. This makes a great deal of sense for them. Why be exclusive to a relationship which does not and is not expected to provide for all emotional and physical needs?

In this kind of relationship, it is very important that it is made very clear that any secondary relationships exist only so long as the primary relationship does not become too serious. Any secondaries involved need to emotionally prepare themselves for the time when the primary relationship will grow to exclude all others. This situation will naturally place a limit on how serous any secondary relationship can be.

The very dangerous situation to watch out for in this structure is that in which the secondary relationship does become more serious. It creates a zero-sum game situation in which the primary relationship getting stronger threatens the secondary and the secondary getting stronger limits the primary.

If you are thinking of structuring your primary relationship in this way, there is nothing wrong that that, but I would highly recommend that you keep your secondary relationships to more casual, friends-with-benefits relationships. The alternative of more serious secondary relationships is setting everyone up for a contentious and dramatic future.

Mono-poly

A reader asked that I write an article about monogamous/polyamorous relationships, meaning a relationship in which one partner sees other people and the other does not. This is a fairly broad topic, but I will give an overview. The main question that the reader was asking is "Can poly/mono relationships work and what are the issues that should be considered?"

The most important question in looking at a poly/mono situation is why the situation exists. The poly/mono situation can occur for a number of reasons, and this means that two poly/mono situations can be extremely different in the issues that can arise.

I Cannot Satisfy That Need
One common situation is that in which Partner A feels that they are unable to satisfy their partner's (Partner B) needs for one reason or another. Sometimes it is as simple as Partner A has a reduced sex drive for whatever reason and encourages Partner B to find someone else to satisfy that need. In other situations, Partner B has some sort of fetish which Partner A is unwilling or unable to fulfill but wants Partner B to be able to satisfy their need.

Partner A's motivation here is generally a combination of the desire to please their partner and the desire to remove pressure from themselves to satisfy a need that they cannot satisfy. The most common pitfall in this situation is that Partner B will not believe that Partner A is really okay with the arrangement such as the following situation:

Suzie says: I had a friend who was married. After a few years, she lost her sex drive for various reasons including some medication she was on. Her husband, obviously, was not happy about it, so she told him that she would not mind if he found someone else with whom to get her needs met. He thought it was some kind of trick, so he never took her up on it. They ended up splitting up, and a good part of that was his sexual dissatisfaction.


The other pitfall is that Partner A is not really as okay with the idea as they think they are. They will think that they can handle it, but jealousy will rear it's ugly head once theory becomes reality.

As in all "non-traditional" relationships communication is vital as unexpected emotional issues will come up. These issues can be dealt with if both people are willing to be open, honest, and loving in dealing with the situation.

You Cannot Satisfy That Need
Another situation is that Partner B finds that Partner A is not satisfying their needs in some way. A poly/mono situation can be the solution to this, but tends to be a very difficult solution to implement successfully. First, it is important that Partner B be quite happy with Partner A in all ways except that one particular thing that is missing. If there are serious underlying problems in the relationship, adding more partners will only make things more complicated and messy.

It is also very difficult to have the conversation of "I love you, but I have needs that you cannot fulfill." Many people will take offense at such a sentiment. However, if Partner A understands the situation and recognizes that it is not a personal failing on their part.

Poly Sounds Good, but I Don't Need It
Another common situation in which poly/mono can work is a couple in which one partner has the desire to see other people and the other simply does not.

Emily says: I am polyamorous and always will be. One man that I dated had no interest in seeing other people. His attitude was that one woman is more than enough work, why would he want more? He had no problem with me seeing other people, but he just didn't want the effort.


This situation can work very well as long as it is true. Some people will claim to be okay with their partner seeing other people, especially when the relationship is starting, because they want to be with the person and will say whatever they need to in order to do so. Then, once the relationship gets going, it will come out that they are not comfortable with things. This never ends well.

I Think We Should See Other Occupations
Some people are so serious about their work or other commitments that it could be considered a secondary or even primary relationship. These people are often perfectly happy for their partner to see other people while they are exclusive to their partner. Because they are extremely dedicated to their work or other activities, they do not want to have to be everything to someone, and they are happy that their partner can have their needs satisfied without them having to take the energy.


These are just a few examples of poly/mono situations. As always, your mileage may vary. There are as many ways to set up a relationship as there are relationships. Some couples are partially open. For example, they can do sadomasochism with other people, but they don't have sex with anyone else. Other couples will make out with other people at parties but be otherwise exclusive. There are challenges to any form of relationship, but as long as the couple is willing to be open and honest in their approach, anything can work if it is what works for them.