Uncoupling: Separating Marriage, Sex, and Child-Rearing

Conservatives will tell you that the advent of reliable birth control redefined sexual morality. They are entirely correct, although I would not agree with the implications of their statement. Sexual morality prior to reliable birth control was built around creating a social structure in which children would be raised in a stable family situation because it has been understood since time immemorial that children are best raised in a family of some kind, thus the premium placed on virginity traditionally.

With the advent of reliable birth control, it became possible to have sex with a minimal chance of unintended pregnancy. Suddenly, the groundwork was laid for a sexual revolution in the 1960's, when a new generation discovered that the traditional reasons to avoid premarital sex no longer existed. The concept of withholding sex until marriage was no longer as vital as it had been.

As feminism increased equality, allowing women to enter lucrative careers where they could support themselves, the need to marry for economic stability almost completely left the picture. No longer would a woman need to preserve her "virtue" to trade for economic support, as she could now support herself.

This progression opened up a vast variety of lifestyle options. With sex no longer leading to parenthood, people could have satisfying sexual relationships without them needing to provide economic support necessary to take care of children. The stability of a monogamous relationship, traditionally needed to support the family unit, is no longer necessary for many people who do not want children.

Interestingly, this same social progression has led many people to believe that marriage is no longer even necessary for raising children. In my work, meeting with parents, I find that less than 20% of the parents I meet are married to the parent of their child. Single parenting is no longer shameful, as it was in previous generations. In fact, it is not even seen as irregular.

As marriage ceases to be the norm, people feel less social obligation to take care of spouses and remain committed their relationships. As many act less trust-worthy, many choose not to trust. Expecting that they will eventually be abandoned, many people chose to develop their own independence, financial and others.

The traditional American family is no longer. The future which conservatives fear is here, and it happened long before gay marriage was legalized. Yet, even with all these fundamental social changes, society goes on, the farmers still farm, the sun still rises and sets, and chaos does not reign. We live in uncharted territory, and most of us have lived in for our entire lives.

What Marriage is Really About

Going against the conventional wisdom, a study published last year says that couples who cohabitate before marriage are actually more likely to divorce than those who do not. Being logical and rational folks, we have the idea that we should try something out before committing to it. We test drive a car before buying it. We read a couple of pages of a book we are thinking of getting. What if, however, that attitude, rather than keeping us out of undesirable relationships, actually causes our marriages not to last.

Rationality is all well and good, but it is a double edged sword. Too often, we apply a seemingly rational process to a situation. We then pursue the result that we find with absolute confidence. After all, we reached the decision rationally. What if the process was flawed?

When heading towards marriage, many people believe that they know what they want. They might want a person with a good income, a good heart, or a good sense of humor. Perhaps they want love, attention, and passion. Marriage, however, is not about any of those specific things. Marriage is about a lifelong commitment between two people. Two becoming one. Of course, this does not appeal to us Americans. We are rocks! We are islands! We need no one else and can do everything on our own.

If you are truly an island, don't get married. You don't need to, and you will eventually divorce, finding the situation too confining for too little benefit. If you are a mortal like the rest of us, however, understand that the true value of marriage is having someone in your life whose destiny is tied to yours. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, two people are joined, sharing dreams, aspirations, and defeats, but always knowing that their partner is there for them on their side.

You cannot trade up from this situation. Perhaps you have been married for a long time and your spouse is showing their age a bit. You think that maybe you can do younger with a younger person. Even if this new person is everything that you could ever dream of, there is something that this younger person will never be able to offer you: the relationship that has grown through decades of sharing with and depending on each other.

The strength and value of marriage is in the connection. It is that simple and that complicated.

Relationships Can End Without Failing

Many people have the idea that any relationship that has ended is a "failed" relationship. This comes from a mindset that the ultimate goal of the dating process is a lifelong marriage until death do you part.

But is this an accurate way to think about things? After all, when you leave a job to take another, you don't say that it was a failed job. If you move out of one house into another, you don't say the previous house was a failed home. So, why is it this way with relationships?

Emily says: Many years ago, I was married to a man for about 7 years. When we met, we were exactly what the other was looking for, and we complemented each other very well. As time went on, our lives took us on very different paths. Eventually, we got to the point where we had become very different people from the ones we were before. We wanted different things and our ideas of a relationship were very different. We had an amicable divorce, and we are now friends. I would not say our marriage failed. It just ran its course.


Emily's situation is not an uncommon one. Two hundred years ago, when people would live their whole lives within 50 miles of the place they were born, things did not change rapidly. A man might do what your father did and his sons would do what he did. Life was much more structured, rigid. Furthermore, in olden days, a woman would marry a man and become an adjunct to him. She would have an important role in his family, but, ultimately, her role was determined by his path through life.

Today, things are very different. Men and women have their own careers, and their lives take their own paths. This means that even married couples can find that they are very different people 5, 10, or 20 years later. If they break up after some time, is the marriage failed, or simply run its course?

The Successful Ended Relationship in Polyamory
The polyamorous community has a great deal of experience with ending relationships gracefully. In the polyamorous community, people tend to date within their social group, and their various partners tend to be socially connected as well. This means that a nasty breakup could cause serious repercussions through the whole social circle.

Polyamorous people also tend to have more relationships that do not focus on a lifetime commitment. They are expected to be shorter term, so, when they end, although it is painful, it is not so shocking and life changing as when a supposedly lifelong relationship comes to an end. When such a relationship ends, it is not uncommon for those involved to look back on it and say that it was successful. Sure, it ended at some point, but both partners are better for having been in it and it ended on good terms.


Some relationships certainly end in failure. The participants are harmed rather than grown by the experience. The end is considered more of an escape than a conclusion. It is finally realized that they were with the wrong people all along.

However, not every relationship that ends is a failed relationship. Some have simply run their natural course and the time to move on as come.

A Distorted Lens on Love

That which makes good storytelling, rarely makes good reality. The kinds of story lines that make a compelling 2 hour movie simply do not reflect what happens in the real world, and that is a problem. The media gives two inaccurate views of romance. One image, generally shown in movies, is that two people will meet, know by divine inspiration that they are meant to be together, have a series of challenges, but finally overcome and live happily ever after. The other, generally shown in TV series, is that romance will always be fraught with peril, mistrust, and deceit.

Mrs. Jennings says: I was raised knowing that marriage was my path to happiness. My job was to prepare myself to find an excellent husband, and I feel I did that. I love Mr. Jennings, and I enjoy taking care of our children, but sometimes I wonder if I am doing things right. We don't seem to be as happy as we are supposed to be.


Amanda is discussing the problems that come from the perfection and simplicity that the media shows. The media, as well as society in the form of her friends and family, led her to believe in this image of the perfect fairy tale marriage. Movies show happily ever after because that is what people want to see. Real life is complicated, fiction should be simple. This is the common consensus among the movie viewer.

Unfortunately, this sets us up for disappointment. We go into a relationship expecting perfection and find normality. (Do you seriously think that Prince Charming never left the lid to the privy up?) The plain and simple fact of the matter is that the love of your life is just a person.

So, if a relationship is just two people coming together, with all of their foibles, different expectations, different opinions, and different habits, what creates a successful relationship? Communication. (Answering questions is easier when the answer is so often the same.)

For this purpose, however, communication is not simply talking. It is talking openly and honestly. For a relationship to survive past the New Relationship Energy (NRE) stage, a couple needs to be able to communicate without bias or assumption.

This is when you have to free yourself from all the assumptions of what a relationship should be like, what your partner should be like, and what you should both think and feel. For example, it is normal to notice and be interested in other people outside of your partner. This is not a problem. If these thoughts become so intense that they are distracting, then they are an indication that something is wrong. However, this is not the beginning of the end, but the beginning of the solution.

In many couples, if one person were to confide in their partner that they were finding themselves more attracted to other people, this would start a big ole nasty fight, encouraging this person not to confide again in the future. However, if you can speak openly and honestly, then whole new vistas of solutions present themselves.

The most important thing to keep in mind when trying to communicate openly like this is that your partner's comments do not suggest a failing on your part. They are not saying that you have failed to satisfy them due to a fundamental deficiency on your part. Rather, they are giving you the sign posts to show you how to give them what they need. If they really didn't like you, they wouldn't still be with you, so anything they say, even negative things, they say because they care enough to try to improve things.

In the specific example that we are discussing, where one partner finds their eye wandering, there is a wide range of potential answers. Perhaps the magic is gone because it is harder to think of your partner in the same way you think of that cutie at the coffee shop when you see your partner every morning, belching, scratching themselves, and smelling like an old shoe. A solution might be to schedule a special date night, where both partners go to separate locations to get ready. The answer could be that each partner will put in a little more effort to look good for and to pay attention to the other on a day to day basis.

The answer could even be to let you go and have some fun with that cutie at the coffee shop. I assure you that the first morning that you wake up with the cutie and realize that he also wakes up in the morning belching, scratching and smelling like a shoe, you will have greater appreciation for your partner. However, be very careful with this last one. Do not even think about trying to consider approaching opening your relationship unless you are comfortable with the idea! (This will be discussed in greater depth in future articles.)

Another great thing that open communication leads to is discovering common interests that you were not aware of before. If you are in a long term relationship, you should feel comfortable with expressing your desires to your partner, no matter how wild and crazy they may be. Perhaps they cannot be acted out literally, but maybe there is something else that you can do which you will find satisfying. Maybe you have always thought that it would be great to leave everything behind and travel the country in an RV. Perhaps that is not workable, but what about a two week vacation in an RV? If you can discuss what you and your partner want honestly, you will be able to find some way to satisfy your needs without needing to put your partner out.

Suzie says: I've had a few relationships that really started to go somewhere, but then something happened, and the trust just dissolved.


Society seems to recommend a one strike policy on relationships. Since we have this idea that our partner should be perfect, if he says the wrong thing, then perhaps it is just the tip of the iceberg of some great breach of trust. Your boyfriend says that dress looks bad on you? Maybe he's cheating. Your girlfriend comments on another man's musculature? Maybe she's looking around. Partner doesn't want you to read their email? Perhaps they are a spy for the Chinese! The airwaves are full of people trying to figure out what tabloid plot is taking place in their own circle based on single statements and vague innuendo.

Where does this come from? Watch any TV series that contains romance (Except for True Blood. That show gets relationships right.) and you will see that one single piece of unconvincing evidence is the beginning of a long struggle which ultimately reveals foul play.

You see the husband leaving a coffee shop at 4 in the afternoon! Why? Because he was meeting his mistress! What else would he be doing in a coffee shop at 4 PM?!?!


Thus, when anything remotely suspicious occurs in real life, people often suspect the worst. Unfortunately, this works much like the Law of Attraction, but negatively: ask for trouble, believe in the trouble, receive the trouble.

We do not live in the world of TV. Thankfully, our lives are much less interesting than that. When you come across a suspicious situation, always ask, is this really suspicious or is it just reminding you of a TV drama that you saw recently?


The media offers a fractured view of relationships. They tell stories which are fascinating to watch but would be gut-wrenching to live. Real relationships take hard work, patience and understanding, things that are very boring to watch on the screen, but at least they usually do not involve constant suspicion, betrayal and jealousy. If yours does, it's time to reconsider your situation.