Introduction to Creating Poly Rules

Suzie asks: My boyfriend and I have decided to make our relationship polyamorous. We are negotiating the rules, and I was wondering if there are any rules that are particularly important.


This is a tricky question. It is like asking what size dress you should buy. You should buy the dress that is the right size for you. I know, not the most helpful answer. The rules that work for one couple could be disastrous for another, so instead of suggesting specific rules, here are some guidelines for a process to develop rules.

Open and Honest Communication
The first and most important thing is open and honest communication at all times, especially when negotiating rules. If you are not comfortable with something, you need to say so immediately. If it is uncomfortable in theory, it's not going to get any better when it moves into practice. Generally, adding restrictions in negotiation are not too difficult. Trying to add restrictions after an outside relationship has begun is like trying to squeeze toothpaste back into a tube.

Reciprocity and Fairness
A common fallacy is that rules must be reciprocal. This is not true. They must be fair, but they do not have to be the same. Imagine a couple who we'll call Alice and Bob. Alice is more concerned about sexual health and Bob is more concerned about emotional issues. Having different concerns, they would need different rules to address their needs.

Alice might require that each new partner bob has must be tested for STDs before he sleeps with them and every 4 months after. She is less concerned that they will steal his heart than that they will rot his crotch.

Bob, on the other hand, finds condoms and regular testing to be sufficient for sexual safety, but, because of some bad experiences in the past, he is afraid that Alice's other lovers might try to steal her away for their own. Thus, he would not need regular accounting of sexual health, but he might want to meet and get to know any potential lover of Alice's before she takes up with them.

Common Rules
Having told you that there are no universal rules, I will go back and provide some examples of rules commonly found in poly relationships.

Notification: Most couples require some type of notification of extra-curricular activities. For some this means that permission must be obtained before doing anything. For others, this simply means that it should be mentioned when it is convenient after the fact.

Veto: This is a more controversial concept. Some couples swear by it, others swear at it. The veto concept is  that the primary partner can veto a secondary partner. Usually the veto can only be used when a new secondary relationship is starting, although there are some couples where the primary can veto at any time. An entire article could be written on this concept alone.

Sexual Health: Most couples have some rules relating to sexual health such as requiring the use of latex barriers or new partners being tested before taking up with a primary partner. This is usually based on the comfort and concern levels of the primary partners as well as the style of relationship one has. This becomes more important is more swinger-type relationships than in more poly-fidelitous relationships with far fewer partners.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open
You will see this word a lot: "communication". You can't just set rules and leave them. Things change over time. Comfort levels change; people become more or less comfortable. While the rules are negotiated in full at the start, it is important to periodically revisit them and make sure that they meet the needs of all parties involved.

As always, this is just a brief overview with some general concepts, rather than a comprehensive study of poly rules. Your mileage may vary.

Modus Communicatus

The modern world provides us with a great variety of technologies which allow us to communicate more efficiently than ever. In some situations, this means that we can be much more effective. In others, it simply means that we can create more misunderstandings per hour than we ever could have without the assistance of technology. The root of the problem is that, when communication becomes easier, we are inclined to do it with less thought. Even worse, too many people, caught up in the ease of texting and other modern modes, fail to realize just how ineffective some of these methods can be, especially for more emotional topics.

Let's consider the limitations of some communication modes. In this article, we will consider 5 common modes: speaking in person, phone, instant messaging, texting, and email.

As we can see, in person communication is far and away the best method for communicating clearly. This makes sense, as it is how we have been communicating as humans for hundreds of thousands of years. We have our words, intonations, and body language to work from. In person, we might say something and immediately realize that what we said was inadvertently hurtful from the  body language of the person we are speaking to. In instant messenger, we might say something hurtful and not realize it, blithely digging ourselves in deeper and deeper.

The Benefits of Technology
Technology can be a great boon for busy people wishing to stay in touch. Text based communication allows low energy contact, which can create a greater sense of closeness in a relationship, even though little actual information is transmitted. Consider Emily's story:

Emily says: My boyfriend and I are both very busy people, and we do not get as much time as we would like to spend together. We both work jobs that are on the computer, so we keep AIM up all day and we chat while we work. It is nice, like sitting in the same room and working on different things. We don't talk about anything serious, but it keeps that closeness.


Instant messaging is a great tool for casual communication, sharing fun stories from work, expressing frustrations, etc. Texting is, likewise, a great tool for casually staying in touch, if you are one of those who does not mind trying to type on a tiny tiny keyboard.

For almost a century, we have been using the phone to make communication easier. Phone conversations do not work as background activities like IMing does, but they do eliminate the need to travel to be in the same place as the person one wishes to talk to. With being able to hear the voice of the one we are talking to, it can be like being right there, but there is still the lack of body language that can inhibit communication. However, when people are making a point of being clear, this issue can be overcome.

Where Technology Fails
Unfortunately, the same thing that makes IM and texting so great limits its utility. All that there is of the communication is what is on the screen, staring at you in black and white, or chartreuse and mauve, depending on your settings. No body language, no voice inflection. One does not even have the benefit of knowing how quickly or slowly the message was sent due to the delays at the server.

This means that these are fine modes for talking about the weather or work or whatever, but they are terrible formats for talking about serious things.

Candy says: I was seeing this guy and things were going pretty well. Then, there was a little issue. I told him it upset me, and he got upset and it got all kinds of out of hand. We were used to talking on IM all the time, so that's how we talked about this, but no matter what I said, he just got more and more upset until we ended up breaking up. I'm not even sure what it was all about to begin with.


What happened in Candy's situation is that they fell into the trap of being used to talking online about light and fluffy things. Suddenly they had something serious to talk about, and it did not occur to either of them to pick up the telephone.

The problem is that we tend to associate emotions with words. If we can hear the voice of the person that we are talking to, we will ascribe the emotions that we hear to the words. On the other hand, if we cannot hear them and only have their written words to work from, we will ascribe the emotions in our own head to the words. Words that are meant to be conciliatory can be read as sarcastic. Gentle apology can be misread as condescension.

This can happen with email, Facebook comments, and other epistolary communications, but it is even more pronounced with instant messaging. In an email, you might take a moment to reread the letter before replying. Instant messaging tends to be more instant. One often reads quickly and replies quickly. Looking back on a chat log, one will often find that they were the one to accidentally inflame the situation by misreading a statement by the other person.

PUTFP
The acronym above stands for "Pick Up The Phone". Email, instant messenger, and text are great for what they are good for, but always remember their limitations. When things start getting heated, pick up the phone, or, better yet, talk to them face to face. It doesn't matter if you are talking to a friend, a coworker, a romantic partner, or a business associate. Why risk the relationship over some stupid miscommunication, when you could clear things up easily by picking up the phone.

Three Rules of Polyamory

Relationships are complicated. Multiple relationships per person is considerably more complicated. There are a great many bits of advice that I could give to make things run more smoothly, but this article is about three common rules which one who is engaging in polyamory would ignore at their peril.

One of the core concepts of Smart Love is that there is a great deal that monogamous couples can learn from poly couples. To help illustrate this, each of the three rules of polyamory will be accompanied by a companion rule of monogamy.

Smart Love Poly Rule #1: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Mono Companion Rule #1: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Entire articles could be written just on this rule. In fact, entire books could be and have been written on this topic. Communication in any relationship is vitally important. It is even more so in a polyamorous relationship because of additional factors that must be managed.

One of the most common reasons not to communicate is that someone does not want to cause trouble. They might be worried that saying something would cause a fight or make the other person unhappy. What they forget in doing this is that the issue will come out sooner or later. When it comes out later, it usually comes out at a much more inopportune moment and often with much greater emotion making it more difficult to deal with than it otherwise might be.

I discuss some other aspects of this topic in this post.

Smart Love Poly Rule #2: Never Make One Choose Between Lovers/Never Accept an Ultimatum
Mono Companion Rule #2: Never Make Your Partner Compete

Emily says: I was in a relationship of a few years when I met and started dating a new boyfriend. At first, things were great, but then the new boyfriend started to think that the old boyfriend was not good for me. There was no real basis behind this, but he got more and more down on the old boyfriend. Finally, he told me that I had to choose between them. I was young and foolish and still wrapped up in new relationship energy, so I picked the new one. It lasted about a month after that before I got fed up with his jealousy and possessiveness.


This illustrates the second rule of polyamory, which is that you should never ask a partner to choose between you and another partner. Conversely, if someone demands that you choose between them and someone else, choose the someone else. Why? Because someone who really understands what polyamory is about will respect you enough to respect the choices that you make, even if they are not thrilled with them. If you yield to one ultimatum, perhaps the next one will not be far behind.

This rule does not completely apply in the situation of primaries. In a primary relationship, it is not uncommon for the primary to demand that a relationship not begin or, if it has already begun, cease. The difference here is that, in a primary relationship, the authority to make such demands is often pre-negotiated. This is very different from a secondary coming into an open marriage then demanding that his lover leave her husband for him.

The companion rule for monogamy is not to make your partner compete with your outside interests. It almost goes without saying that your partner should never feel that he or she is competing with other people that you might otherwise be dating were you not with your partner. This rule is also saying that your partner should not have to compete with other activities for your affections. She should not have to be more fun than a baseball game or more exciting than a trip to the mall. These activities provide something different from and not comparable to your partner.

Smart Love Poly Rule #3: Don't Let Strife in One Relationship Create Strife in Another
Mono Companion Rule #3: Don't Let the World Outside Your Relationship Create Conflict Inside
Into every life a little rain must fall, and this is quite true for relationships. It's not always clear weather and smooth sailing. Sometimes something will go wrong. This is even more likely with new relationships. An advantage that some people find in polyamory is that they get to experience new relationship energy again and again. The flip side to this is that they get to experience the stress of new relationship growing pains and even failure again and again.

When one decides to enter into a poly relationship, it is understood that they may encounter these ups and downs. It is important, however, not to allow these tribulations to spill into other relationships. Every relationship has its own internal conflicts. If you allow the conflicts in one relationship to spill into another, you may soon find that your strife from on relationship has started marching through your life like Napoleon's armies through Europe.

This is not to say that you should not say anything about what is bothering you. Your partner can be an excellent source of support in hard times. However, there is a difference between getting support and dragging your partner into your conflicts with shortened tempers and even accusations of being part of the problem.

Likewise, for both polyamory and monogamy, it is important to do your best to insulate your relationship from outside stressors. Fights with the boss, defeat of your favorite basketball team, getting a ticket on the way to work, etc. These are fine things to talk to your partner about, but they are no excuse for losing your temper or  becoming more demanding at home.


This is certainly not everything you need for a successful relationship, but if you keep these three rules in mind, you may find that you are able to avoid a great many of the more common pitfalls in polyamory.

On Common Interests

As I have been handing out a great many fliers for Smart Love at Pi-Con, I decided to delay part 6 of the Kink 101 until Monday. Don't worry, I did not forget.

Dan says: When I date someone, I want them to be into what I am into. When I go to a sci-fi con, I want to be able to bring her with me and not hear her complain that she is bored all the time.


Suzie says: A guy doesn't really need to be into the stuff that I am into. It is good to have outside interests. Sometimes you need to get away.


Some people feel that it is very important that a couple have common interests and enjoy hobbies together. Others feel that hobbies are good separate. They do this thing with their partner, but this other thing their partner is not involved in at all. Both of these viewpoints are entirely valid, but they will create different forms of relationships.

All Together Now
Many of us know a couple that is an inseparable unit. I don't mean the lovebirds, joined at the hip because they cannot stand to be apart. I am referring to the kind of couple that complements each other's skills and work together on a business or some other project. This can work very well. They are a tight team and they trust each other implicitly. They have the constant comfort of being part of something strong like that. On the downside, they do not get much time apart. If they need a great deal of alone time, this situation will cause friction. It is also very important that both people be good at conflict management. It is very difficult to leave work at the office, when the staff at the office comes home with you.

Some couples enjoy going to events such as conventions or nightclubs together. In the old days, a married couple was seen as an indivisible unit. Without discussing the greater social implications of this, I will say that when one encounters a couple like this, there is a certain amount of stability and gravitas that they project. These two people together are not just two people, they are an institution created by the strength of this relationship. Each member of the relationship also feels the confidence that comes with being something strong and stable. Of course, this is only the case if the couple comes across as being a strong, stable couple. The illusion is somewhat lost if they are fighting and sniping in public.

Often couples are more accepted than individuals, especially individual men, because a couple is seen as more stable and less threatening. Simply put, people are less concerned that a couple will run off with their wife or husband or daughter or son. This is not to say that single people are viewed with suspicion, but couples tend to be viewed with less concern. Interestingly, this phenomenon exists in the polyamorous as well as monogamous worlds.

Separate Paths to Meet Up On the Other Side
Some couples like to do their own thing and specifically spend their together time together. They each have their own hobbies and interests and when they spend time together it is intentional time with just them. This is a fine situation for many people. It means that any concerns and stresses from their activities will not splash back into the relationship. On the other hand, there is always a certain amount of distance that will remain in the relationship because of the separation. Each person will have people at work or in these other avocations that they share things with which their significant other will not understand.

Mr. Jennings says: I love to go out hunting, but Mrs. Jennings has no interest in even hearing about it. I love the smell of the woods, the thrill of the hunt. Since Mrs. Jennings is not interested in it, I have some buddies that I go on my hunting trips with.


While Mr. and Mrs. Jennings have a very close relationship, there are things about Mr. Jennings that Mrs. Jennings will never understand. Since he spends about 7 weekends every summer in the woods, there is a large piece of his life that she is not a part of. Neither of them mind this. He gets to do what he wants to do and she does not have to be involved in it. As we know, no one person can satisfy every single need of another person. In this case, Mr. Jennings satisfies his need to go hunting with his buddies. They know of a side of him that his wife does not and it works very well for everyone.


Should you share your hobbies and interests with your significant other? That is a question that only you can answer. Perhaps you would find it more comfortable to keep your interests completely separate. Maybe you would love the idea of conquering the world side by side with your soul mate. Perhaps you are somewhere in the middle. There is no right answer except for the answer that is right for you and the person you are with. The important thing is to communicate about it openly and honestly and to be sure that the style that you choose is the right one for everyone involved.

What Does That Video Have That I Don't?

As you know, I love to write articles by request. It is a way that I can be sure that at least one person will be interested in reading it, and it makes it easier to come up with topics. One request I received recently was to write about why people should not be threatened by their partner using sex toys and porn. Today's post will speak to women about their male partners partaking of pornography, and yesterday's spoke to men about their female partners using sex toys.


Mrs. Jennings says: I caught my husband looking at porn once. It was totally disgusting. I don't know why he'd want to look at that stuff when he has me at home. What does that filth have that I don't?


What Mrs. Jennings does not understand is that everyone has fantasies of one kind or another. Perhaps Mr. Jennings fantasizes about doing things that Mrs. Jennings is not interested in doing. Maybe he has a thing for Asian women, or two Asian women at a time. Until Mrs. Jennings becomes a pair of Asian women, she will have trouble satisfying that particular desire.


Mrs. Jennings might be upset that her husband is going elsewhere to satisfy his sexual needs. She might also be offended by the fact that his needs are "strange".


However, it is important to understand that, much like sexual orientation, fetishes and desires are often not choices. For most people, their deepest, darkest desires are beyond their control, the result of life experience and psychology. It is only what they do with them that they can really control. Can a person subvert their desires? They can, but sometimes at the cost of serious frustration. That frustration can lead to resentment in time, if her husband comes to feel that he had to give up his desires to be with her.


There is a belief that pornography sets up unreasonable expectations in a relationship. In reality, the desires are usually already there, even if it is simply the desire to take a roll in the hay with a different partner once in a while. Pornography creates an outlet for them. The only issue comes up if the viewer of the porn does not realize that porn takes some liberties with reality. News flash: fantasy is different from reality.


Pornography is a way for him to satisfy his desires in a way that does not ask Mrs. Jennings to do anything that she is not comfortable and does not require her husband to go outside the relationship. The important thing to understand is that no one person will ever completely satisfy every single need and desire of their partner. However, there are ways that each person can get their needs met.


A couple can also use pornography as a way to open lines of communication on their desires. They can watch it together, and possibly use it as a starting point for discussions on their interests. A couple might find themselves quite surprised by how many "strange" fetishes they may have in common.


Pornography is an outlet for unfulfilled desires that allows those who partake of it to satisfy fantasies while still remaining within the bounds of the relationship.

Friends With Benefits

Two days ago, my article briefly touched on the idea of friends with benefits. Today, we are going to go a little deeper into this topic.

What is a "friend with benefits?" It is generally defined as a sexual relationship that lacks emotional commitment. Sometimes, a friends with benefits relationship is quite light on the friendship. They key definitional factor is that there is a physical relationship without a significant romantic emotional attachment.

Every relationship is different, especially this kind of relationship because there are so many different forms that a friends with benefits relationships can take. This article is just a broad overview of some concepts and examples of friends with benefits relationships.

Etymology and Phraseology 
Many people object to this phraseology for a few reasons. First, it makes it sound like friendship is lacking something and needs benefits. It also diminishes the value of the term "friend" because many people in that kind of relationship are not what one might call "friends" if they were not sleeping together, although many are.

Thought I should point this out before I get comments about how terrible a term this is. The problem is that I don't really know of a better term for it, although I would be happy to hear suggestions.

Dominick says: Whenever I hear the term "friend with benefits," I feel like it should include health insurance or 401k or something.


Benefits
Why would someone be interested in a friends with benefits relationship? There are a number of reasons why a friends with benefits relationship might appeal.

Many people find themselves to be at a place in their lives where they are not ready to dedicate the kind of energy it takes to maintain an actual relationship, but they still want to find physical satisfaction.

Sometimes a friends with benefits situation develops when two people find that they are very sexually compatible, but realize that they would be awful in a relationship. They can enjoy their physical compatibility without their other foibles getting in the way.

Pitfalls
The biggest danger in a friend with benefits arrangement is that it is often not inherently stable as a relationship structure. It is entirely possible for one person to become more attached to the other than was intended. Sometimes, this is not a problem. If two single people are friends with benefits, and it blossoms into a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that, unless, of course, they were friends with benefits because they knew that they were romantically incompatible.

It is a problem, however, if one party develops more serious feelings and the other does not. This is where communication is very important. If one person thinks that they are developing more serious feelings, or if they feel that the other person is, it is good to talk about it. Sometimes, in talking about it, they will realize that they both want to take it to the next level. Sometimes it will come out that one person is more attached than the other, but this is not necessarily a problem as long as everyone understands the true situation and is honest with themselves and each other.

Friends with Benefits and Polyamory
This is a fairly common structure in polyamory. Often, someone in a relationship will have a friend with benefits. This might occur because the person is quite emotionally satisfied in the main relationship but finds sexual satisfaction with the other person. This is a fine and often very stable situation if both people have other relationships.

If one person is in a relationship, and the other is not, there is a potential for instability. For some people, it is a fantastic situation. For example, imagine someone coming out of a bad relationship who certainly does not want to get into another but desires physical contact. This would not necessarily be a long term relationship, but it could be quite satisfying for all parties.

On the other hand, a single person might get into this kind of arrangement with a person in a relationship, believing that they can handle it, then find their emotions running away with them, causing some discord.

What  if...?
Now, to rain on your parade just a little bit. Whenever one is in a sexual relationship, it is good to give at least a moment of thought to what you might do if an unexpected pregnancy developed. I'm not prescribing any kind of answer, just that it is something that you might want to give a quick thought to because nothing is worse than encountering something like that completely flat footed.

Conclusion
The moral of the story is that a friends with benefits relationship is a relationship like any other. It requires good communication and thoughtfulness about the needs of one's partners, just like any other relationship.

No – A Short Word With A Complex Meaning

I am sure that you have heard the saying “No means No.” To some people, it is a pretty simple concept: if a woman says no in bed, the man should just stop. In the real world, unfortunately, things are often more complicated.

Jenny says: 'No' means 'no'. It's as simple as that. Anyone with an IQ over 12 should be able to understand it. If a woman says 'no', just stop. That's the end of it.

Joe says: Sure, sometimes 'no' means 'no', but, really, if every man who ever heard 'no' stopped immediately, the human race would simply cease to procreate. I stop if I get a good firm 'no', but with a soft 'no', that's just her saying I need to try harder.

This is a very complex situation for many reasons, but two of the keys are a pair of social pressures placed on women. One pressure is the need not to seem 'easy'. The other is the need to please.

Many women will put up false resistance to show that they are not easy, that they are not sluts. They will give soft no's, with the expectation that they will be 'convinced' to change their no to a yes. This can be cute and playful, but it gives men a very confused idea of what 'no' really means. This creates beliefs like those that Joe hold.

As girls, many women are taught to be agreeable, that it is their job to please and serve and not disagree. This can make it very difficult to give a firm 'no', like the one that Joe is looking for. For some, they are so conditioned to please, that they will change their 'no' to a 'yes', even if they would rather not have sex, just to please their partner. In some such cases, the partner will actually think that she wanted to go ahead, even though she really did not. In some cases, a woman may even feel that she was raped in such a situation, believing that her consent was coerced by social pressure.

As they said in Cool Hand Luke, What we have here is a failure to communicate. Fortunately, there is something that we can all do about this.

First, let us clear up a myth. Most people know the truth about this, but I just wanted to touch on it. You may have heard of a condition called Blue Balls. It almost never happens. Ladies, getting a man excited and not getting him off may get you a frustrated man, but it will not get you a trip to the emergency room. Also, remember, there is more than one way to get a guy off, as I discussed in this article. (Gentlemen, this is a two way street. If you are getting, you better me giving if you would like to be getting again the in the future.)

Dan says: For years, I thought that 'no' was something that could be negotiated. I felt that if she really meant 'no', she would say so clearly. At times, I would find women upset with me after the fact, even though they had agreed to everything we had done. Then, I decided that it was not worth it. If she said 'no', I'd just accept it and be patient. A remarkable thing happened. When I did this, some of the women who initially said 'no' relaxed and became more comfortable, eventually saying 'yes', but without any convincing from me. They were comfortable with their decision, and I got what I was hoping for by not pushing for it.

To men, as well as women who might encounter a 'no' in the bedroom, remember that many women have been taught that it is rude to say 'no'. They do not want to be seen as frigid or a tease. Furthermore, sometimes, a woman is physically aroused, and she desires to say 'yes', but she does not want to for one reason or another. Her physical desire is a minority shareholder in the decision making process, and it is a poor idea to try to stoke that fire against her better judgment. Tomorrow morning, the fires of passion will have gone out, but the rational reasons why she wanted to say 'no' will still remain. You may have gotten her to say 'yes', but at what cost?

A man are also well advised to check in periodically, asking if what he is doing is alright, especially if he is with a new partner. Some people will want to stop but may not be comfortable asserting themselves enough to say something. Even if this is not the case, checking in is always a good thing to do anyway. You never know what interesting thing you may learn.

Dominick says: I always try to check in, but I hate playing the 'what does that mean?' game. When I am with a woman who is ambiguous, I will usually call things off because I would much rather not play that play and discover later that she consented but didn't really want to.

To women, as well as men who might want to say 'no' but are not comfortable saying so, it is important to understand that, while your partner might be disappointed to hear you say 'no', he is much happier to get a clear, unambiguous 'no' then to find out after the fact that he made you do something that you did not want to do. No one (at least no one of good moral character) wants to force their partner against their will, and no one wants to have to second guess what a no really means, so if you mean 'no', say 'no' and stick to 'no'.

Emily says: A valuable concept that I realized when I got into the kink world was that of safewords. In the kink community, a safeword is a hard and immediate 'no'.

In kink, especially BDSM, people will generally have a safeword that they can use to pause or stop a scene because something is uncomfortable or uncomfortable/dangerous. Such a concept would work well in this situation. One of the problems that comes up with misunderstood 'no' is that the situation does not pause. The pressure stays on, and there is not a moment to step back and think about if you are doing the right thing. In some communities, the word 'red' is used as a general safeword to completely stop the scene. 'Red' means stop everything, step away, all-stop. Being able to do this would create the space to make clear what everyone's needs are.

This works better in an ongoing relationship where there is already an established safeword, but even if a safeword has not been established there are common words that could be used to do the same thing. 'Stop', 'pause', 'hold', and 'wait' are all words that could be used to jar a seduction to a stop to make sure that everyone is comfortable with things. 'Pikachu' is also a very effective safeword to bring things to a stop.

This is one of the most important cases of the need for clear communication. Ideally, a couple will discuss things ahead of time, talking about limits and what they are willing to do. This is the best way to avoid ambiguous situations. Of course, this is not always what happens in the real world, but it is still better to communicate clearly now than end up in a regrettable situation later.

What Monogamists Can Learn From Polyamorists

This article is the third in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. The first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. The third discusses and defines various terms. This fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.




The good part of practicing the mainstream, monogamous concept of relationships is that most people you meet engage in the same kind of relationships that you do. You can go to your grandmother for dating advice and be relatively sure that she can at least relate with your situation.


On the other hand, when you think that there are centuries of knowledge behind what you are doing, you are less likely to think critically about your relationships and how you conduct them. This is where monogamous people can learn a great deal from those who practice polyamory.


The polyamorous community has had to blaze their own trail. Because there is no norm, it is accepted that every polyamorous situation is different and requires individual evaluation. With thousands of people practicing polyamory, many valuable lessons have been learned. Presented here are a few of those learnings which monogamists can learn from.


You Are Unique, Your Relationship Should Be Too
Even if you are monogamous, vanilla, and 'normal' as they come, you and your partner are unique people with unique expectations, unique needs, unique desires. In polyamory, it is understood that nothing can go unsaid in such a complex arrangement. In monogamy, people can get away with not discussing everything, but they do so at their own peril. Nothing actually "goes without saying."


Maybe one partner thinks that leaving dishes in the sink to wash them later is no big deal and the other thinks it is the height of slobbery. Neither partner is wrong here, but if they do not discuss it, both partners are wrong, and conflict is preordained. This applies to everything from the definition of cheating to issues around the house to sex to entertainment preferences and basic conversation.

Suzie says: I was dating this guy and I discovered all this porn on his computer. He was jerkin' it to cyber girls when he was with me. I was so pissed! Who does that? Why would he do that when he had a real life girl?

In Suzie's situation, her boyfriend did not think that porn was a problem. To his mind, it was just pictures. There was no connection. They were hardly real people to him, so how could it be infidelity? To her, all things sexual were in the domain of the relationship. By getting sexual gratification from the images on the screen, he was cheating on her. Neither one is wrong, which means that both partners need to talk about it and come to agreement on what they are both comfortable with.


When in doubt talk about it. Follow the first three rules of polyamory:
Rule #1. Communicate
Rule #2. Communicate
Rule #3. Communicate


All Emotions Are Valid, But Not All Responses Are Acceptable
In polyamory, jealousy is a common issue. It is natural and expected. People in polyamorous relationships have learned that they need to be able to speak openly about their emotional needs or else jealousy will quickly overwhelm the relationship.


In monogamy, jealousy is, hopefully, less of an issue, but there are other emotions which will come up which need to be acknowledged and faced in some way. Examples of such emotions are: dissatisfaction with some aspect of the relationship, attraction to another person, and frustration about some aspect of the other partner.


Some of the conventional wisdom will tell you to keep it to yourself. If this is a casual relationship that you do not care much about, follow this advice. If this is someone you care about and hope that you might spend the rest of your life with, it is terrible advice. For a strong relationship, you need to be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about what you feel. You also need to be willing to listen, without judgement, to what your partner feels.


If you find that you are attracted to that guy at the gym, you want to be able to tell your partner. It's not that you would like to leave him for Mr. Muscles, but you are attracted. That's just how it is. You love your partner and would rather be with him than Mr. Muscles any day, but trying to repress that attraction causes stress and will only serve to make it worse, like picking a scab. If you can get it out in the open, you can move past it.


Not Everyone Defines Cheating the Same Way
In polyamory, one is generally allowed to be involved with other partners, but there are still rules. Perhaps a partner needs to be approved by the present partner. Perhaps one can have sex with a partner but must use a latex barrier. One should never assume that they know what their partner is comfortable with until they have discussed it.


Dan says: I dated a woman who was not comfortable with me having outside relationships. However, as we talked about it, it turned out that her main concern was safety regarding STDs. I didn't really feel a great need to have sex with other women, but I enjoy the thrill of going out to a club and meeting and fooling around with new people from time to time. We agreed that I could make out with girls at the club. I got what I wanted, and she was perfectly comfortable with the arrangement herself.


In monogamy, one is not allowed to have sex with another person. That is generally understood, but where is the line where it becomes inappropriate? Some people are monogamous, but, like in Dan's story, go to night clubs and make out with some pretty people before returning home to their monogamous relationship. They have agreed to it, so it is okay. Some people think flirting and cybersex online is cheating. Others think it is harmless fun. Some people even think that lusting in your heart is cheating. Wherever the line is in a relationship is valid as long a it is established by mutual agreement, not some vague understanding of what "everyone knows".


There is no wrong answer, but the only right answer is the one that both partners agree on. Some people get it into their heads that there is a proper way to have a relationship. This is hogwash. Your relationship is your own. Discuss with your partner what you are and are not comfortable with before it comes up, and you will both be happy.




You may see a theme here. It starts with 'C' and rhymes with 'Flumunication'. If you learn only one thing from Smart Love, learn this: nothing goes without saying, everything is worth talking about openly, honestly, and with love.

Dating in a Community, Part II - How the Community Polices Its Own

Yesterday, we talked a bit about the benefits of having an open community that is willing to give you frank advice about people they know. Today, I would like to explore this topic a little further, looking at how the community can create a comfort level that allows a relationship to happen and how open discussion can help reduce or prevent sexually transmitted diseases, domestic violence, rape, and sexual assault.

Candy says: I run in the kink and poly communities, communities where people are pretty open about things and everyone seems to know everyone. I met this guy through Fetlife, and he seemed pretty cool, but he was a bit older than me and lived a ways off. At first I wasn't sure, but then I saw that we had common friends,  so I was able to ask around. People knew him and told me he was a good guy. I felt more comfortable and agreed to meet him. It turned out awesome, and we had a great relationship, but I would have never gone ahead with it if I had not been able to check him out with people I trusted.


Because Candy lives in a community of people who are open and willing to talk honestly, Candy was able to develop a level of comfort needed to develop a new relationship.


There are other benefits to discarding the none-of-my-business mindset. I am not saying that one should poke their nose where it does not belong, and one should not treat their friend's love lives like their own private editions of the National Enquirer. What I am saying is that people should feel comfortable sharing information that they feel is relevant.

Dan says: In the kink community that I run in, STDs and domestic violence are almost unheard of, not because people don't talk about them, but because people do talk about them. People don't pry, but everyone understands that if they do something improper, word will get around, not as rumor mongering or as people trying to move up in the pecking order, but as public advisory.


Because of this willingness to talk openly about sexual matters, the whole community is made safer. Even if an individual is trying to hide and STD, someone will figure it out, and when they do, they will make sure to warn everyone else. Knowing this, people are encouraged to be very careful, the best way to avoid having to deal with people knowing you have an STD being not getting on in the first place.

This is even more true around issues of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a disease with lives in darkness and silence. It goes on because victims are afraid to speak out. In communities where people "mind their own business," an abuser can abuse one significant other, leave that person and then go on to start a new relationship with another person and abuse them. The second, even though they may have social contact with the first, may get no warning about this individual. Silence insulates the abuser from the consequences of his actions.

In an open community, topics like abuse are discussed openly. People openly discuss their discuss with abuse and people who perpetrate it. This sends a message to potential abusers that such behavior will not be tolerated, and it sends a message to one who is abused that their community will support them, and, if necessary, defend them.

This is not a new concept. In medieval cultures, the gossip network among housewives who gathered at the well would keep abusers in line. If a man beat his wife, she would mention it to her friends at the well, who would tell their husbands. The abuser would find his reception a little cooler at future social encounters because most men really do find abuse objectionable.


Communication is a theme that comes up again and again. Communication among significant others, among friends, among communities. Almost without exception, most situations are improved by more communication rather than less. The challenge is breaking down the walls that encourage silence.

No One Cares What You Know Until They Know That You Care

The title for this post is actually a common saying in the sales world, but it is just as applicable in the world of relationships, as I have learned through long and terrible experience. Below is some advice that, on a good day I take, and on a bad day I lose relationships for failing to abide by.

Joe says: If I know I'm right, then why beat around the bush. I'm just gonna come out and say it. Not my fault if she's not willing to listen to reason.


Jenny says: I have a right to my opinion, and I will say it however I please.


There are two reasons why one might say something that is true but known to be in opposition to what one's partner is saying: (1) that one wants to be right and their partner to be wrong, strengthening their own ego, or (2) that one wants their partner to be right by having information that he or she did not previously have, strengthening their relationship.

Very often, when a person in a relationship disagrees with their partner, it is for the second reason, but their partner hears it as being the first reason. Why does this happen? People tend to take great pride in things that are theirs: their hair, their appearance, their house, their pet, and their ideas. The ideas become a part of their identity, and if you suggest that an idea that they have is wrong, then they feel you are saying that they are wrong.

Candy ran into this problem with a woman that she dated named Justine. Justine believed that it was okay to go one payment behind on any bill, including credit cards. This is factually not true, as credit card companies, unlike utilities, report late payments to credit bureaus immediately, but Justine had heard somewhere that she could get away with it, so she believed it and acted on it frequently. Candy was worried about Justine's credit, so she informed her that she was mistaken. This bit of unwelcome advice turned into a heated discussion, which turned into a fight. Recriminations flew and names were called.

Ultimately, this led to stress in the relationship. They eventually broke up... and Justine still lets her credit card bills go a month behind.

So, what should you do if you think your partner is wrong? First, there are two very important questions you must ask yourself: "Is this important enough to make an issue of?" and "Are you sure that it is your partner who is wrong?"

So you have decided to go ahead and bring it up. Here are a few other things to keep in mind.

You may be wrong
It doesn't matter if you are discussing the atomic weight of cobalt or the current weather outside the window. Even if you are standing there sopping wet from the rain outside trying to convince your boyfriend that it is raining outside, always approach any such situation from the standpoint of "I could be wrong, but I believe that..."

What this does is give your partner the space to also give a little. This shows that you are not trying to be right, just that you are trying to help your partner to be more awesome than she already is. If you say that you are right and she is wrong, you create an adversarial dynamic immediately. It is head to head, win and lose. For you to be right, she must be wrong, and who wants to lose and be wrong? On the other hand, if you admit that you could be wrong, then she will feel more comfortable admitting that she could be wrong, creating the space in the conversation to move and find the correct answer... which may be what you started with, may be what she started with, or may be some entirely different answer (e.g. it was raining, but it just stopped a moment ago and is now sunny - happens all the time in New England.)

This issue is less important than our relationship
When one gets heatedly into a discussion, one can lose perspective. Was Justine's bill paying habit a critical element in their relationship? Probably not, yet Candy felt a need to bring it up and could not let go, damaging the relationship over an issue that really did not matter all that much to them.

Always seek to maintain perspective. Maybe the issue is a serious make or break issue, but if it is, remember that the discussion is not intended to defeat your partner but to smooth out an issue to allow your relationship to continue.

Beware Structural Paper Towel Rolls
A few years ago at a game store I worked in, there was a glass fronted display case with glass shelves inside. One of the shelves was 3 inches too short to reach on of the support pieces, so it would wobble and fall over if anything was placed on that end. The make-shift solution was to place a roll of paper towels under the unsupported end to prevent it from falling. Unfortunately, since the roll made everything look stable, many people thought that the roll of paper towels was just left there by accident, and they would unwittingly take it out, causing catastrophe, Magic cards and giant D20s flying everywhere!

For many people, some of their beliefs are like that. To you, it is just some abstract concept or unimportant idea. To them, it may be a core touchstone on which their mental shelving is balanced. You find it objectionable in some way and try to rearrange it and discover a massively disproportionate response. Everyone has their core issues that everything else is built around. Common ones are religion, family obligation and tradition, and morality.

However, let's imagine that you are talking to someone who is fanatical about nutrition: fanatical beyond the point of health into the level of obsession. You try to ply them with logic, facts, research, articles, and only manage to get him angrier and more defensive. What you do not realize in your crusade to bring him to your point of view is that his favorite uncle died when he was young due to a heart attack caused by poor nutrition and this issue has become a touchstone and a cornerstone because of that experience.


This is one of the most difficult issues in relationships because it happens in the heat of the moment. In the calm times, it is easy to say "we should work to respect each other's feeling and ideas," but when emotions are high and voices are edgy, something more like "that's the stupidest load of tortoise chips I have ever heard." This second statement has a more detrimental effect than the first.

Understanding this, the most important thing for both people to keep in mind is that even thought you may get hot under the collar, the relationship goes on. Anger happens, but if you can be strong enough to let it go, then you can leave the rest stop of conflict and drive back onto the clear, open highway of joyous romance.

Some of the concepts explained here are based on the Fourth and Fifth Habits of Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, a book I highly recommend to anyone who interacts with people in any part of their life.

A Distorted Lens on Love

That which makes good storytelling, rarely makes good reality. The kinds of story lines that make a compelling 2 hour movie simply do not reflect what happens in the real world, and that is a problem. The media gives two inaccurate views of romance. One image, generally shown in movies, is that two people will meet, know by divine inspiration that they are meant to be together, have a series of challenges, but finally overcome and live happily ever after. The other, generally shown in TV series, is that romance will always be fraught with peril, mistrust, and deceit.

Mrs. Jennings says: I was raised knowing that marriage was my path to happiness. My job was to prepare myself to find an excellent husband, and I feel I did that. I love Mr. Jennings, and I enjoy taking care of our children, but sometimes I wonder if I am doing things right. We don't seem to be as happy as we are supposed to be.


Amanda is discussing the problems that come from the perfection and simplicity that the media shows. The media, as well as society in the form of her friends and family, led her to believe in this image of the perfect fairy tale marriage. Movies show happily ever after because that is what people want to see. Real life is complicated, fiction should be simple. This is the common consensus among the movie viewer.

Unfortunately, this sets us up for disappointment. We go into a relationship expecting perfection and find normality. (Do you seriously think that Prince Charming never left the lid to the privy up?) The plain and simple fact of the matter is that the love of your life is just a person.

So, if a relationship is just two people coming together, with all of their foibles, different expectations, different opinions, and different habits, what creates a successful relationship? Communication. (Answering questions is easier when the answer is so often the same.)

For this purpose, however, communication is not simply talking. It is talking openly and honestly. For a relationship to survive past the New Relationship Energy (NRE) stage, a couple needs to be able to communicate without bias or assumption.

This is when you have to free yourself from all the assumptions of what a relationship should be like, what your partner should be like, and what you should both think and feel. For example, it is normal to notice and be interested in other people outside of your partner. This is not a problem. If these thoughts become so intense that they are distracting, then they are an indication that something is wrong. However, this is not the beginning of the end, but the beginning of the solution.

In many couples, if one person were to confide in their partner that they were finding themselves more attracted to other people, this would start a big ole nasty fight, encouraging this person not to confide again in the future. However, if you can speak openly and honestly, then whole new vistas of solutions present themselves.

The most important thing to keep in mind when trying to communicate openly like this is that your partner's comments do not suggest a failing on your part. They are not saying that you have failed to satisfy them due to a fundamental deficiency on your part. Rather, they are giving you the sign posts to show you how to give them what they need. If they really didn't like you, they wouldn't still be with you, so anything they say, even negative things, they say because they care enough to try to improve things.

In the specific example that we are discussing, where one partner finds their eye wandering, there is a wide range of potential answers. Perhaps the magic is gone because it is harder to think of your partner in the same way you think of that cutie at the coffee shop when you see your partner every morning, belching, scratching themselves, and smelling like an old shoe. A solution might be to schedule a special date night, where both partners go to separate locations to get ready. The answer could be that each partner will put in a little more effort to look good for and to pay attention to the other on a day to day basis.

The answer could even be to let you go and have some fun with that cutie at the coffee shop. I assure you that the first morning that you wake up with the cutie and realize that he also wakes up in the morning belching, scratching and smelling like a shoe, you will have greater appreciation for your partner. However, be very careful with this last one. Do not even think about trying to consider approaching opening your relationship unless you are comfortable with the idea! (This will be discussed in greater depth in future articles.)

Another great thing that open communication leads to is discovering common interests that you were not aware of before. If you are in a long term relationship, you should feel comfortable with expressing your desires to your partner, no matter how wild and crazy they may be. Perhaps they cannot be acted out literally, but maybe there is something else that you can do which you will find satisfying. Maybe you have always thought that it would be great to leave everything behind and travel the country in an RV. Perhaps that is not workable, but what about a two week vacation in an RV? If you can discuss what you and your partner want honestly, you will be able to find some way to satisfy your needs without needing to put your partner out.

Suzie says: I've had a few relationships that really started to go somewhere, but then something happened, and the trust just dissolved.


Society seems to recommend a one strike policy on relationships. Since we have this idea that our partner should be perfect, if he says the wrong thing, then perhaps it is just the tip of the iceberg of some great breach of trust. Your boyfriend says that dress looks bad on you? Maybe he's cheating. Your girlfriend comments on another man's musculature? Maybe she's looking around. Partner doesn't want you to read their email? Perhaps they are a spy for the Chinese! The airwaves are full of people trying to figure out what tabloid plot is taking place in their own circle based on single statements and vague innuendo.

Where does this come from? Watch any TV series that contains romance (Except for True Blood. That show gets relationships right.) and you will see that one single piece of unconvincing evidence is the beginning of a long struggle which ultimately reveals foul play.

You see the husband leaving a coffee shop at 4 in the afternoon! Why? Because he was meeting his mistress! What else would he be doing in a coffee shop at 4 PM?!?!


Thus, when anything remotely suspicious occurs in real life, people often suspect the worst. Unfortunately, this works much like the Law of Attraction, but negatively: ask for trouble, believe in the trouble, receive the trouble.

We do not live in the world of TV. Thankfully, our lives are much less interesting than that. When you come across a suspicious situation, always ask, is this really suspicious or is it just reminding you of a TV drama that you saw recently?


The media offers a fractured view of relationships. They tell stories which are fascinating to watch but would be gut-wrenching to live. Real relationships take hard work, patience and understanding, things that are very boring to watch on the screen, but at least they usually do not involve constant suspicion, betrayal and jealousy. If yours does, it's time to reconsider your situation.

How to Please A Man or Woman

I thought we should start with one of the most common topics in the realm of sex. Something relatively uncontroversial, like how to please your partner. Many magazines are full of tips and tricks, some valid and some less so (like the "fire-starter" in which you pretend you are trying to start a fire using the gentleman's penis). This is not a tips and tricks blog. There are plenty of those already on the Internet. Rather, we discuss general concepts and philosophies.

Mrs. Jennings says: My mother always taught me that it is very important to please your husband, so we have sex every week. I don't get much out of it, but I'm not supposed to.


On one of the morning shows today, they quoted a study that said about 75% of people are dissatisfied with their sex lives. This has a great deal to do with the fact that most people's idea of being a good lover involves learning a couple of tricks and applying them, as one might use test taking strategies to pass the SATs. Satisfying one's partner is more difficult than that, and yet somewhat simple as well.

First, let us look at some misconceptions...

Candy Powers says: I have never left a guy unsatisfied. I make him orgasm every time, sometimes twice!

A common misconception among women is that a guy who has ejaculated has been satisfied. It is true that a man who has ejaculated is likely in a better state than he was before, but that does not mean that he found the experience completely satisfactory. Like women, men need more than just orgasm to be fully satisfied. In fact, I, personally, have had some experiences which lacked orgasm but were entirely pleasing, as well as experiences with orgasms that I could have done without.

Joe Sumber says: I never had a problem pleasing a woman. I just go to town on her, and she likes it well enough. Never had a complaint, except from a couple of girls, but they were really uptight anyway.

Similar to Candy's misconception above, just because a woman is responding does not mean that she is being pleased as well as she might be. Many men employ a one size fits all approach, using a few tried and true techniques and assume that they will work on everyone, writing off any woman that they do not work on as uptight. This is, of course, ridiculous. Every person is different, and every person will have different preferences based on their own body.

While I am not going to teach you specific tricks on this blog, I will speak a bit on how to use communication to improve your performance in the bedroom.

Communication

This topic will come up again and again. In fact, it may well come up in every post that I make in this blog. It will come up for one simple reason. Any time you have more than one person doing something together, they need to communicate or it will not go as well as it should. It is especially important in the area of love, romance, and sex as they are very emotional fields.

In terms of pleasing your partner (and being pleased yourself), it is important to communicate. There are three basic types of communication I would like to speak about: explicit communication, questions at the time, and observation.

Explicit Communication

Closely related to pre-negotiating the scene, which is common in kink and will be discussed in future posts, this is the most useful form of communication... to a point. By "explicit communication", I mean clearly discussing, outside of a sexual encounter, exactly what each partner likes, wants, expects, etc.

The difficulty in explicit communication is that some people are not comfortable with it. Most people are taught that sex is not a thing to be talked about, that it is dirty or shameful, so they just want to do it but not talk about it. This is understandable, but a much better experience can be had by all with a little talking beforehand.

Some have gotten the idea into their heads that sex should be natural and that the encounter should develop organically without the need for talking. My opinion on this is that if you want organic, you should go to Whole Foods. If you want a pleasing experience, talk about it.

Explicit communication can be quite enjoyable unto itself. After all, you are talking to your partner, preferably in detail, about all the things that you would like to do to him or her, and what you would like him or her to do to you. Some people find this quite arousing.

There are limits to how far this explicit communication can take you, however. I once had a relationship in which we talked for a few hours about limites, boundaries, interests, desires, and all the rest, but without having had the experience of being together intimately, the talk was so abstract as to lack much purpose. So, I kissed her, and then I understood her a lot better. We talked more after that and found it to be more productive.

Questions at the Time

Perhaps you know a great technique and you just tried it on your partner for the first time. You are not sure if she likes it or not. How can you solve this enigmatic mystery? Let's consider a different quandary. You just showed your girlfriend you new Nightwish t-shirt and you are not sure if she likes it. How would you find out this bit of information. I imagine that you'd probably ask something like "Do you like it?" This would probably get you the information that you seek.

So, back to your exciting new technique. How can you find out if she likes it? Ask her. Listen closely to the answer. I say this because she may be eager to please you as well, and she may give you the answer that she thinks you want to hear. However, if you listen closely, you can usually tell the difference between a sincere positive answer and a fake positive answer.

This would be a lot easier if everyone gave true answers, wouldn't it? Make it easy on yourself. Even if you and your partner are not comfortable about explicitly communicating before sex, at least agree to answer questions honestly. Otherwise, you'll try to impress your partner by saying that you like something that you don't and will be forced to suffer through hours of being bitten on the cheek and tickled on the back of the knee because your partner thinks that is what gets you off.

Observation

Perhaps you are not sure what your partner likes. There you are, in bed, the action has started and you have no idea what to do next. I'm going to let you in on a little secret... In spite of the obvious differences, male and female bodies are remarkably similar in terms of sensitivity. With the exception of a few specific areas (and you know where they are) what stimulates one often stimulates another regardless of sex. This leads to two good helpful hints.

The first helpful hint is that anything that you enjoy, your partner may well enjoy as well. Do you like your partner to nibble your ear? Try it on them. Do you like to have nails run gently down your arm? Try it on them.

The second helpful hint is that people often do to their partners things that they would like to have done to them. This is not always the case, but, especially with a less experienced partner, you may find that an excellent source of new ideas is simply returning the favors your partner does upon you.

Whether in the bedroom or out, communication will always make things run smoother. Next time you think something goes without saying, try saying it anyway. You may find that the thing that went without saying is not actually true at all.