As we have discussed in previous articles, there are many varieties of relationship style. There are also different levels of commitment in relationships. In this article, we will be discussing various levels of relationships. What follows is sampling of relationship levels, providing a rough framework. This is not an exhaustive list, and the specific terminology is not standardized. The purpose of this article is to make clear that there are a great variety of levels of commitment in relationships.
In this article, I will be referring to the Three Axis Model as discussed in this article.
Chew Toy (a.k.a. Hook-Up)
This term describes an extremely casual relationship which is purely on the Physical Axis. The partners are interested exclusively in physical contact and little else.
F*&%buddy (a.k.a. Acquaintance With Benefits)
This is a casual, sex-based relationship in which the participants have social contact and might even have a bit in common, but the main cohesive force of the relationship is sexual relations.
Friend with benefits
Similar to the above, but with a stronger element of the Friend Axis. This relationship has a sexual element, but the participants also get along well socially. The emotional (love) aspect is not present in any significant way. (See Friends With Benefits)
Casual Dating
This is similar to friends with benefits, but the objective is different. Generally friends with benefits relationships are not intended to develop into anything more serious. Casual dating, on the other hand, is intended as a test drive for a potentially more serious partner. One will often casually date multiple people in order to get a good idea of what they are looking for. (See The Lost Art of Casual Dating.)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Once one has selected a serious partner, they will move onto a more committed relationship. This usually starts with terms like girlfriend and boyfriend, and may progress to fiance/ee and, eventually, spouse. This is where we start moving into to more serious, three-axis relationships.
Primary
This is a polyamory term for the main relationship. Generally, this relationship is a serious, committed relationship. If it is necessary to choose between partners (e.g. one is moving across the country and the other is staying behind, what should you do?), the primary is generally chosen. The primary partner may also have some control over other relationships that their partner has.
Secondary
This is a polyamorous term for relationships beyond the primary relationship. These relationships can be every bit as serious as the primary relationship or they can be relatively casual. The important factor is that it is understood that the primary relationship takes precedence over secondary relationships.
Showing posts with label Friends with Benefits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends with Benefits. Show all posts
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friends With Benefits
Two days ago, my article briefly touched on the idea of friends with benefits. Today, we are going to go a little deeper into this topic.
What is a "friend with benefits?" It is generally defined as a sexual relationship that lacks emotional commitment. Sometimes, a friends with benefits relationship is quite light on the friendship. They key definitional factor is that there is a physical relationship without a significant romantic emotional attachment.
Every relationship is different, especially this kind of relationship because there are so many different forms that a friends with benefits relationships can take. This article is just a broad overview of some concepts and examples of friends with benefits relationships.
Etymology and Phraseology
Many people object to this phraseology for a few reasons. First, it makes it sound like friendship is lacking something and needs benefits. It also diminishes the value of the term "friend" because many people in that kind of relationship are not what one might call "friends" if they were not sleeping together, although many are.
Thought I should point this out before I get comments about how terrible a term this is. The problem is that I don't really know of a better term for it, although I would be happy to hear suggestions.
Dominick says: Whenever I hear the term "friend with benefits," I feel like it should include health insurance or 401k or something.
Benefits
Why would someone be interested in a friends with benefits relationship? There are a number of reasons why a friends with benefits relationship might appeal.
Many people find themselves to be at a place in their lives where they are not ready to dedicate the kind of energy it takes to maintain an actual relationship, but they still want to find physical satisfaction.
Sometimes a friends with benefits situation develops when two people find that they are very sexually compatible, but realize that they would be awful in a relationship. They can enjoy their physical compatibility without their other foibles getting in the way.
Pitfalls
The biggest danger in a friend with benefits arrangement is that it is often not inherently stable as a relationship structure. It is entirely possible for one person to become more attached to the other than was intended. Sometimes, this is not a problem. If two single people are friends with benefits, and it blossoms into a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that, unless, of course, they were friends with benefits because they knew that they were romantically incompatible.
It is a problem, however, if one party develops more serious feelings and the other does not. This is where communication is very important. If one person thinks that they are developing more serious feelings, or if they feel that the other person is, it is good to talk about it. Sometimes, in talking about it, they will realize that they both want to take it to the next level. Sometimes it will come out that one person is more attached than the other, but this is not necessarily a problem as long as everyone understands the true situation and is honest with themselves and each other.
Friends with Benefits and Polyamory
This is a fairly common structure in polyamory. Often, someone in a relationship will have a friend with benefits. This might occur because the person is quite emotionally satisfied in the main relationship but finds sexual satisfaction with the other person. This is a fine and often very stable situation if both people have other relationships.
If one person is in a relationship, and the other is not, there is a potential for instability. For some people, it is a fantastic situation. For example, imagine someone coming out of a bad relationship who certainly does not want to get into another but desires physical contact. This would not necessarily be a long term relationship, but it could be quite satisfying for all parties.
On the other hand, a single person might get into this kind of arrangement with a person in a relationship, believing that they can handle it, then find their emotions running away with them, causing some discord.
What if...?
Now, to rain on your parade just a little bit. Whenever one is in a sexual relationship, it is good to give at least a moment of thought to what you might do if an unexpected pregnancy developed. I'm not prescribing any kind of answer, just that it is something that you might want to give a quick thought to because nothing is worse than encountering something like that completely flat footed.
Conclusion
The moral of the story is that a friends with benefits relationship is a relationship like any other. It requires good communication and thoughtfulness about the needs of one's partners, just like any other relationship.
What is a "friend with benefits?" It is generally defined as a sexual relationship that lacks emotional commitment. Sometimes, a friends with benefits relationship is quite light on the friendship. They key definitional factor is that there is a physical relationship without a significant romantic emotional attachment.
Every relationship is different, especially this kind of relationship because there are so many different forms that a friends with benefits relationships can take. This article is just a broad overview of some concepts and examples of friends with benefits relationships.
Etymology and Phraseology
Many people object to this phraseology for a few reasons. First, it makes it sound like friendship is lacking something and needs benefits. It also diminishes the value of the term "friend" because many people in that kind of relationship are not what one might call "friends" if they were not sleeping together, although many are.
Thought I should point this out before I get comments about how terrible a term this is. The problem is that I don't really know of a better term for it, although I would be happy to hear suggestions.
Dominick says: Whenever I hear the term "friend with benefits," I feel like it should include health insurance or 401k or something.
Benefits
Why would someone be interested in a friends with benefits relationship? There are a number of reasons why a friends with benefits relationship might appeal.
Many people find themselves to be at a place in their lives where they are not ready to dedicate the kind of energy it takes to maintain an actual relationship, but they still want to find physical satisfaction.
Sometimes a friends with benefits situation develops when two people find that they are very sexually compatible, but realize that they would be awful in a relationship. They can enjoy their physical compatibility without their other foibles getting in the way.
Pitfalls
The biggest danger in a friend with benefits arrangement is that it is often not inherently stable as a relationship structure. It is entirely possible for one person to become more attached to the other than was intended. Sometimes, this is not a problem. If two single people are friends with benefits, and it blossoms into a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that, unless, of course, they were friends with benefits because they knew that they were romantically incompatible.
It is a problem, however, if one party develops more serious feelings and the other does not. This is where communication is very important. If one person thinks that they are developing more serious feelings, or if they feel that the other person is, it is good to talk about it. Sometimes, in talking about it, they will realize that they both want to take it to the next level. Sometimes it will come out that one person is more attached than the other, but this is not necessarily a problem as long as everyone understands the true situation and is honest with themselves and each other.
Friends with Benefits and Polyamory
This is a fairly common structure in polyamory. Often, someone in a relationship will have a friend with benefits. This might occur because the person is quite emotionally satisfied in the main relationship but finds sexual satisfaction with the other person. This is a fine and often very stable situation if both people have other relationships.
If one person is in a relationship, and the other is not, there is a potential for instability. For some people, it is a fantastic situation. For example, imagine someone coming out of a bad relationship who certainly does not want to get into another but desires physical contact. This would not necessarily be a long term relationship, but it could be quite satisfying for all parties.
On the other hand, a single person might get into this kind of arrangement with a person in a relationship, believing that they can handle it, then find their emotions running away with them, causing some discord.
What if...?
Now, to rain on your parade just a little bit. Whenever one is in a sexual relationship, it is good to give at least a moment of thought to what you might do if an unexpected pregnancy developed. I'm not prescribing any kind of answer, just that it is something that you might want to give a quick thought to because nothing is worse than encountering something like that completely flat footed.
Conclusion
The moral of the story is that a friends with benefits relationship is a relationship like any other. It requires good communication and thoughtfulness about the needs of one's partners, just like any other relationship.
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