Friends With Benefits

Two days ago, my article briefly touched on the idea of friends with benefits. Today, we are going to go a little deeper into this topic.

What is a "friend with benefits?" It is generally defined as a sexual relationship that lacks emotional commitment. Sometimes, a friends with benefits relationship is quite light on the friendship. They key definitional factor is that there is a physical relationship without a significant romantic emotional attachment.

Every relationship is different, especially this kind of relationship because there are so many different forms that a friends with benefits relationships can take. This article is just a broad overview of some concepts and examples of friends with benefits relationships.

Etymology and Phraseology 
Many people object to this phraseology for a few reasons. First, it makes it sound like friendship is lacking something and needs benefits. It also diminishes the value of the term "friend" because many people in that kind of relationship are not what one might call "friends" if they were not sleeping together, although many are.

Thought I should point this out before I get comments about how terrible a term this is. The problem is that I don't really know of a better term for it, although I would be happy to hear suggestions.

Dominick says: Whenever I hear the term "friend with benefits," I feel like it should include health insurance or 401k or something.


Benefits
Why would someone be interested in a friends with benefits relationship? There are a number of reasons why a friends with benefits relationship might appeal.

Many people find themselves to be at a place in their lives where they are not ready to dedicate the kind of energy it takes to maintain an actual relationship, but they still want to find physical satisfaction.

Sometimes a friends with benefits situation develops when two people find that they are very sexually compatible, but realize that they would be awful in a relationship. They can enjoy their physical compatibility without their other foibles getting in the way.

Pitfalls
The biggest danger in a friend with benefits arrangement is that it is often not inherently stable as a relationship structure. It is entirely possible for one person to become more attached to the other than was intended. Sometimes, this is not a problem. If two single people are friends with benefits, and it blossoms into a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that, unless, of course, they were friends with benefits because they knew that they were romantically incompatible.

It is a problem, however, if one party develops more serious feelings and the other does not. This is where communication is very important. If one person thinks that they are developing more serious feelings, or if they feel that the other person is, it is good to talk about it. Sometimes, in talking about it, they will realize that they both want to take it to the next level. Sometimes it will come out that one person is more attached than the other, but this is not necessarily a problem as long as everyone understands the true situation and is honest with themselves and each other.

Friends with Benefits and Polyamory
This is a fairly common structure in polyamory. Often, someone in a relationship will have a friend with benefits. This might occur because the person is quite emotionally satisfied in the main relationship but finds sexual satisfaction with the other person. This is a fine and often very stable situation if both people have other relationships.

If one person is in a relationship, and the other is not, there is a potential for instability. For some people, it is a fantastic situation. For example, imagine someone coming out of a bad relationship who certainly does not want to get into another but desires physical contact. This would not necessarily be a long term relationship, but it could be quite satisfying for all parties.

On the other hand, a single person might get into this kind of arrangement with a person in a relationship, believing that they can handle it, then find their emotions running away with them, causing some discord.

What  if...?
Now, to rain on your parade just a little bit. Whenever one is in a sexual relationship, it is good to give at least a moment of thought to what you might do if an unexpected pregnancy developed. I'm not prescribing any kind of answer, just that it is something that you might want to give a quick thought to because nothing is worse than encountering something like that completely flat footed.

Conclusion
The moral of the story is that a friends with benefits relationship is a relationship like any other. It requires good communication and thoughtfulness about the needs of one's partners, just like any other relationship.

More Than One Way...

When Suzie was younger, she had a quandary.

Suzie Says: There was this guy that I really liked. I wanted to fool around with him, but I was still a virgin, and I wanted to remain that way. I really didn't know what to do for him so that he would not feel like he was missing out by being with me.

The common first response to this is that he should be satisfied with her because their relationship is worth more than just a physical experience. This is a wonderful sentiment, and for some people it works very well. Unfortunately, many people, male and female, may feel that they are missing out on something if they are not going all the way, so to speak.

Joe says: I don't get what's so complicated here. You get the girl, you lick here and touch there until she's all warmed up and ready, then you stick it in and do your thing. Bing! Bang! Boom! Everyone has a good time. What more is there?


Joe illustrates a common way of thinking, that of sexual relations being a linear activity. First base, second base, third base, HOME!

Linear View of Sex

This is a common way of thinking among high school boys, but, unfortunately, this kind of thinking often stays with people throughout their lives. Indeed, many sexual encounters follow a fairly linear structure, but if one is simply driving towards to goal, there is a lot to miss out on. Nowhere is it more true than in the bedroom that life is a journey, not a destination.

On the other hand, even the most journey-oriented man would like to eventually reach the orgasmic goal, especially if the gentleman is sexually experienced and has grown accustomed to sexual encounters resulting in sex.

Fortunately, there is more than one road to Rome. What if, instead of the linear form that we looked at above, we consider a more open way of thinking about physical intimacy...

Expanded View of Sex

This graphic is not exactly to scale, and many of the activities on there can occur at various levels of intensity, but the point is that there is a lot more to it that just warming up and getting it on. Some people have intense, satisfying, even orgasmic experiences without any traditional form of "getting off." Some can do with with stimulation like flogging, spanking, bondage, and wrestling.

Even if you are not ready for or interested in kinkier activities or kink at that level of intensity, you can see that there are a great many ways that you can culminate your encounter. No matter if you are a virgin or well experienced, you may find that having a variety of options to choose from will keep things interesting and exciting for a long time to come.


After reading this, Joe might conclude that, with all those options, there is no excuse not to finish the job. Joe would be mistaken. No one is ever obligated to do anything that they are not comfortable with in the sexual context. Anyone can stop anytime that they like. My only point in this article is that there are more options available than one might think, and that if one is not comfortable with one option, another may be more comfortable.


I would be remiss if I did not share with you the best visual representation of the "baseball analogy" before signing off:

How to Please A Man or Woman

I thought we should start with one of the most common topics in the realm of sex. Something relatively uncontroversial, like how to please your partner. Many magazines are full of tips and tricks, some valid and some less so (like the "fire-starter" in which you pretend you are trying to start a fire using the gentleman's penis). This is not a tips and tricks blog. There are plenty of those already on the Internet. Rather, we discuss general concepts and philosophies.

Mrs. Jennings says: My mother always taught me that it is very important to please your husband, so we have sex every week. I don't get much out of it, but I'm not supposed to.


On one of the morning shows today, they quoted a study that said about 75% of people are dissatisfied with their sex lives. This has a great deal to do with the fact that most people's idea of being a good lover involves learning a couple of tricks and applying them, as one might use test taking strategies to pass the SATs. Satisfying one's partner is more difficult than that, and yet somewhat simple as well.

First, let us look at some misconceptions...

Candy Powers says: I have never left a guy unsatisfied. I make him orgasm every time, sometimes twice!

A common misconception among women is that a guy who has ejaculated has been satisfied. It is true that a man who has ejaculated is likely in a better state than he was before, but that does not mean that he found the experience completely satisfactory. Like women, men need more than just orgasm to be fully satisfied. In fact, I, personally, have had some experiences which lacked orgasm but were entirely pleasing, as well as experiences with orgasms that I could have done without.

Joe Sumber says: I never had a problem pleasing a woman. I just go to town on her, and she likes it well enough. Never had a complaint, except from a couple of girls, but they were really uptight anyway.

Similar to Candy's misconception above, just because a woman is responding does not mean that she is being pleased as well as she might be. Many men employ a one size fits all approach, using a few tried and true techniques and assume that they will work on everyone, writing off any woman that they do not work on as uptight. This is, of course, ridiculous. Every person is different, and every person will have different preferences based on their own body.

While I am not going to teach you specific tricks on this blog, I will speak a bit on how to use communication to improve your performance in the bedroom.

Communication

This topic will come up again and again. In fact, it may well come up in every post that I make in this blog. It will come up for one simple reason. Any time you have more than one person doing something together, they need to communicate or it will not go as well as it should. It is especially important in the area of love, romance, and sex as they are very emotional fields.

In terms of pleasing your partner (and being pleased yourself), it is important to communicate. There are three basic types of communication I would like to speak about: explicit communication, questions at the time, and observation.

Explicit Communication

Closely related to pre-negotiating the scene, which is common in kink and will be discussed in future posts, this is the most useful form of communication... to a point. By "explicit communication", I mean clearly discussing, outside of a sexual encounter, exactly what each partner likes, wants, expects, etc.

The difficulty in explicit communication is that some people are not comfortable with it. Most people are taught that sex is not a thing to be talked about, that it is dirty or shameful, so they just want to do it but not talk about it. This is understandable, but a much better experience can be had by all with a little talking beforehand.

Some have gotten the idea into their heads that sex should be natural and that the encounter should develop organically without the need for talking. My opinion on this is that if you want organic, you should go to Whole Foods. If you want a pleasing experience, talk about it.

Explicit communication can be quite enjoyable unto itself. After all, you are talking to your partner, preferably in detail, about all the things that you would like to do to him or her, and what you would like him or her to do to you. Some people find this quite arousing.

There are limits to how far this explicit communication can take you, however. I once had a relationship in which we talked for a few hours about limites, boundaries, interests, desires, and all the rest, but without having had the experience of being together intimately, the talk was so abstract as to lack much purpose. So, I kissed her, and then I understood her a lot better. We talked more after that and found it to be more productive.

Questions at the Time

Perhaps you know a great technique and you just tried it on your partner for the first time. You are not sure if she likes it or not. How can you solve this enigmatic mystery? Let's consider a different quandary. You just showed your girlfriend you new Nightwish t-shirt and you are not sure if she likes it. How would you find out this bit of information. I imagine that you'd probably ask something like "Do you like it?" This would probably get you the information that you seek.

So, back to your exciting new technique. How can you find out if she likes it? Ask her. Listen closely to the answer. I say this because she may be eager to please you as well, and she may give you the answer that she thinks you want to hear. However, if you listen closely, you can usually tell the difference between a sincere positive answer and a fake positive answer.

This would be a lot easier if everyone gave true answers, wouldn't it? Make it easy on yourself. Even if you and your partner are not comfortable about explicitly communicating before sex, at least agree to answer questions honestly. Otherwise, you'll try to impress your partner by saying that you like something that you don't and will be forced to suffer through hours of being bitten on the cheek and tickled on the back of the knee because your partner thinks that is what gets you off.

Observation

Perhaps you are not sure what your partner likes. There you are, in bed, the action has started and you have no idea what to do next. I'm going to let you in on a little secret... In spite of the obvious differences, male and female bodies are remarkably similar in terms of sensitivity. With the exception of a few specific areas (and you know where they are) what stimulates one often stimulates another regardless of sex. This leads to two good helpful hints.

The first helpful hint is that anything that you enjoy, your partner may well enjoy as well. Do you like your partner to nibble your ear? Try it on them. Do you like to have nails run gently down your arm? Try it on them.

The second helpful hint is that people often do to their partners things that they would like to have done to them. This is not always the case, but, especially with a less experienced partner, you may find that an excellent source of new ideas is simply returning the favors your partner does upon you.

Whether in the bedroom or out, communication will always make things run smoother. Next time you think something goes without saying, try saying it anyway. You may find that the thing that went without saying is not actually true at all.