There is a continuum of sexual behavior. At one end are people who are purely vanilla: nothing exceptional, same position every time. At the other end are people who are so kinky that traditional sex is almost a distraction from their sexual activities. In the middle, of course, are those who engage in sex and have a fair amount of creativity to keep it interesting and engaging.
This article is intended for people for whom kinky play is more than just something they do once in a while to spice things up, especially for those for whom kink is more of a hobby, not that there is anything wrong with that.
Kink is a wonderful way to have a more exciting and fulfilling sex life. It can increase intimacy between partners and increase the intensity of an experience. It can even be helpful for working through certain issues in ones past.
Like everything else in life, the key is moderation. When some people first get into kink they find that it is the coolest thing ever!!! Not only will they enjoy it in the bedroom, but they will turn it into a hobby. Studying knots and ties. Finding teachers from whom to learn the secrets of flogging and whipping and anything else that suits their fancy. There is nothing wrong with any of this.
The pitfall to watch out for is when kink becomes so consuming that sex becomes an afterthought. Vanilla sex can actually become boring. The danger in this is that the partner can also become an afterthought, simply the vehicle by which kink can be exercised. By becoming overly immersed in kink, what should be a sacred and intimate act can become reduced to nothing more than an exhibition of skill. The intimacy that sex should create in a relationship is lost and replaced with a weaker, intellectual connection.
This is not to say that one should limit how kinky one is or what one does in the bedroom. Whatever you are into is just fine. There is nothing wrong with any kink, no matter how extreme, as long as it is safe, sane, risk-aware, etc. Just make sure that, every once in a while, you take a little time to connect to your partner as a person, not just as an activity partner.
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Saturday, August 14, 2010
What Does That Vibrator Have That I Don't?
Note: This article describes sexual acts in general terms. Reader discretion is advised.
As you know, I love to write articles by request. It is a way that I can be sure that at least one person will be interested in reading it, and it makes it easier to come up with topics. One request I received recently was to write about why people should not be threatened by their partner using sex toys and porn. Today's post shall speak to men about their female partners using sex toys, and tomorrow's will speak to women about their male partners partaking of pornography.
Joe says: I was dating this girl, and I find out that she is using these vibrators. What would she need those for if she's got the real thing? What does that vibe have that I don't?
Well, Joe, it can rotate 300 times a minute, ultrasonically stimulate her G-spot and stimulate her clitoris all at the same time. I suspect that your penis cannot do that.
Unfortunately, Joe's attitude is all too common. Men, exhibiting a combination of over-confidence and insecurity, will feel threatened to discover that their female partner is using or wants to use sex toys, be it with vibrators, creams, or even lubricants. As we discuss often on Smart Love, there are a great multitude of ways that one can find satisfaction, both in the bedroom and out. Here are some things for a man to consider before he grows jealous of a chunk of silicon with batteries.
Toys Are to Supplement, Not Replace You
If your relationship is otherwise a good one, then the use of toys is not because you are insufficient. If you are like most men, you probably masturbate, and, if you are like most men, then you probably do not think about your girlfriend or wife every time you satisfy your needs. This does not mean that you are not satisfied with her, just that you enjoy exploring other concepts in the comfort of your own mind. For her, it is the same way. She wants to get a variety of sensations.
You and the Toys Are Not Mutually Exclusive
But why does it have to be you or the toys? If you use your fingers or tongue to stimulate her, you likely do so because you want to provide her sensations that are not created with the penis. Sex toys are just another way that you can help to provide her sensations which cannot otherwise be produced. Instead of the sex toys being something that she uses when you are not around, why not use them in your experiences together. A pneumatic hammer is not in competition with a carpenter, but in the carpenter's hands it makes him better at what he does. Same idea here. I leave you to make your own terrible carpenter joke at this time.
Dominick says: Toys are absolutely a part of my repertoire. Many women that I play with do so because they know that I will use whatever is necessary to see to it that they are entirely satisfied by the experience.
Toys Make Your Life Easier
The purpose of technology is to make life easier for us. Sex toys are no different. Why give yourself a case of carpel tunnel syndrome when you can use a g-spot stimulating toy to do the same thing, and maybe even do it better? In the bedroom, your job is to please her. You don't get extra points for being able to do it only with what God gave you. God gave you a brain and the ability to use tools, like an otter or a monkey. Use it.
If you are interested in learning how you can use toys and other products to discover interesting new places in your sex life, email me and I will put you in touch with someone who knows far more about the topic than I do.
As you know, I love to write articles by request. It is a way that I can be sure that at least one person will be interested in reading it, and it makes it easier to come up with topics. One request I received recently was to write about why people should not be threatened by their partner using sex toys and porn. Today's post shall speak to men about their female partners using sex toys, and tomorrow's will speak to women about their male partners partaking of pornography.
Joe says: I was dating this girl, and I find out that she is using these vibrators. What would she need those for if she's got the real thing? What does that vibe have that I don't?
Well, Joe, it can rotate 300 times a minute, ultrasonically stimulate her G-spot and stimulate her clitoris all at the same time. I suspect that your penis cannot do that.
Unfortunately, Joe's attitude is all too common. Men, exhibiting a combination of over-confidence and insecurity, will feel threatened to discover that their female partner is using or wants to use sex toys, be it with vibrators, creams, or even lubricants. As we discuss often on Smart Love, there are a great multitude of ways that one can find satisfaction, both in the bedroom and out. Here are some things for a man to consider before he grows jealous of a chunk of silicon with batteries.
Toys Are to Supplement, Not Replace You
If your relationship is otherwise a good one, then the use of toys is not because you are insufficient. If you are like most men, you probably masturbate, and, if you are like most men, then you probably do not think about your girlfriend or wife every time you satisfy your needs. This does not mean that you are not satisfied with her, just that you enjoy exploring other concepts in the comfort of your own mind. For her, it is the same way. She wants to get a variety of sensations.
You and the Toys Are Not Mutually Exclusive
But why does it have to be you or the toys? If you use your fingers or tongue to stimulate her, you likely do so because you want to provide her sensations that are not created with the penis. Sex toys are just another way that you can help to provide her sensations which cannot otherwise be produced. Instead of the sex toys being something that she uses when you are not around, why not use them in your experiences together. A pneumatic hammer is not in competition with a carpenter, but in the carpenter's hands it makes him better at what he does. Same idea here. I leave you to make your own terrible carpenter joke at this time.
Dominick says: Toys are absolutely a part of my repertoire. Many women that I play with do so because they know that I will use whatever is necessary to see to it that they are entirely satisfied by the experience.
Toys Make Your Life Easier
The purpose of technology is to make life easier for us. Sex toys are no different. Why give yourself a case of carpel tunnel syndrome when you can use a g-spot stimulating toy to do the same thing, and maybe even do it better? In the bedroom, your job is to please her. You don't get extra points for being able to do it only with what God gave you. God gave you a brain and the ability to use tools, like an otter or a monkey. Use it.
If you are interested in learning how you can use toys and other products to discover interesting new places in your sex life, email me and I will put you in touch with someone who knows far more about the topic than I do.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Dating in a Community, Part II - How the Community Polices Its Own
Yesterday, we talked a bit about the benefits of having an open community that is willing to give you frank advice about people they know. Today, I would like to explore this topic a little further, looking at how the community can create a comfort level that allows a relationship to happen and how open discussion can help reduce or prevent sexually transmitted diseases, domestic violence, rape, and sexual assault.
Candy says: I run in the kink and poly communities, communities where people are pretty open about things and everyone seems to know everyone. I met this guy through Fetlife, and he seemed pretty cool, but he was a bit older than me and lived a ways off. At first I wasn't sure, but then I saw that we had common friends, so I was able to ask around. People knew him and told me he was a good guy. I felt more comfortable and agreed to meet him. It turned out awesome, and we had a great relationship, but I would have never gone ahead with it if I had not been able to check him out with people I trusted.
Because Candy lives in a community of people who are open and willing to talk honestly, Candy was able to develop a level of comfort needed to develop a new relationship.
There are other benefits to discarding the none-of-my-business mindset. I am not saying that one should poke their nose where it does not belong, and one should not treat their friend's love lives like their own private editions of the National Enquirer. What I am saying is that people should feel comfortable sharing information that they feel is relevant.
Dan says: In the kink community that I run in, STDs and domestic violence are almost unheard of, not because people don't talk about them, but because people do talk about them. People don't pry, but everyone understands that if they do something improper, word will get around, not as rumor mongering or as people trying to move up in the pecking order, but as public advisory.
Because of this willingness to talk openly about sexual matters, the whole community is made safer. Even if an individual is trying to hide and STD, someone will figure it out, and when they do, they will make sure to warn everyone else. Knowing this, people are encouraged to be very careful, the best way to avoid having to deal with people knowing you have an STD being not getting on in the first place.
This is even more true around issues of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a disease with lives in darkness and silence. It goes on because victims are afraid to speak out. In communities where people "mind their own business," an abuser can abuse one significant other, leave that person and then go on to start a new relationship with another person and abuse them. The second, even though they may have social contact with the first, may get no warning about this individual. Silence insulates the abuser from the consequences of his actions.
In an open community, topics like abuse are discussed openly. People openly discuss their discuss with abuse and people who perpetrate it. This sends a message to potential abusers that such behavior will not be tolerated, and it sends a message to one who is abused that their community will support them, and, if necessary, defend them.
This is not a new concept. In medieval cultures, the gossip network among housewives who gathered at the well would keep abusers in line. If a man beat his wife, she would mention it to her friends at the well, who would tell their husbands. The abuser would find his reception a little cooler at future social encounters because most men really do find abuse objectionable.
Communication is a theme that comes up again and again. Communication among significant others, among friends, among communities. Almost without exception, most situations are improved by more communication rather than less. The challenge is breaking down the walls that encourage silence.
Candy says: I run in the kink and poly communities, communities where people are pretty open about things and everyone seems to know everyone. I met this guy through Fetlife, and he seemed pretty cool, but he was a bit older than me and lived a ways off. At first I wasn't sure, but then I saw that we had common friends, so I was able to ask around. People knew him and told me he was a good guy. I felt more comfortable and agreed to meet him. It turned out awesome, and we had a great relationship, but I would have never gone ahead with it if I had not been able to check him out with people I trusted.
Because Candy lives in a community of people who are open and willing to talk honestly, Candy was able to develop a level of comfort needed to develop a new relationship.
There are other benefits to discarding the none-of-my-business mindset. I am not saying that one should poke their nose where it does not belong, and one should not treat their friend's love lives like their own private editions of the National Enquirer. What I am saying is that people should feel comfortable sharing information that they feel is relevant.
Dan says: In the kink community that I run in, STDs and domestic violence are almost unheard of, not because people don't talk about them, but because people do talk about them. People don't pry, but everyone understands that if they do something improper, word will get around, not as rumor mongering or as people trying to move up in the pecking order, but as public advisory.
Because of this willingness to talk openly about sexual matters, the whole community is made safer. Even if an individual is trying to hide and STD, someone will figure it out, and when they do, they will make sure to warn everyone else. Knowing this, people are encouraged to be very careful, the best way to avoid having to deal with people knowing you have an STD being not getting on in the first place.
This is even more true around issues of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a disease with lives in darkness and silence. It goes on because victims are afraid to speak out. In communities where people "mind their own business," an abuser can abuse one significant other, leave that person and then go on to start a new relationship with another person and abuse them. The second, even though they may have social contact with the first, may get no warning about this individual. Silence insulates the abuser from the consequences of his actions.
In an open community, topics like abuse are discussed openly. People openly discuss their discuss with abuse and people who perpetrate it. This sends a message to potential abusers that such behavior will not be tolerated, and it sends a message to one who is abused that their community will support them, and, if necessary, defend them.
This is not a new concept. In medieval cultures, the gossip network among housewives who gathered at the well would keep abusers in line. If a man beat his wife, she would mention it to her friends at the well, who would tell their husbands. The abuser would find his reception a little cooler at future social encounters because most men really do find abuse objectionable.
Communication is a theme that comes up again and again. Communication among significant others, among friends, among communities. Almost without exception, most situations are improved by more communication rather than less. The challenge is breaking down the walls that encourage silence.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
More Than One Way...
When Suzie was younger, she had a quandary.
Suzie Says: There was this guy that I really liked. I wanted to fool around with him, but I was still a virgin, and I wanted to remain that way. I really didn't know what to do for him so that he would not feel like he was missing out by being with me.
The common first response to this is that he should be satisfied with her because their relationship is worth more than just a physical experience. This is a wonderful sentiment, and for some people it works very well. Unfortunately, many people, male and female, may feel that they are missing out on something if they are not going all the way, so to speak.
Joe says: I don't get what's so complicated here. You get the girl, you lick here and touch there until she's all warmed up and ready, then you stick it in and do your thing. Bing! Bang! Boom! Everyone has a good time. What more is there?
Joe illustrates a common way of thinking, that of sexual relations being a linear activity. First base, second base, third base, HOME!
This is a common way of thinking among high school boys, but, unfortunately, this kind of thinking often stays with people throughout their lives. Indeed, many sexual encounters follow a fairly linear structure, but if one is simply driving towards to goal, there is a lot to miss out on. Nowhere is it more true than in the bedroom that life is a journey, not a destination.
On the other hand, even the most journey-oriented man would like to eventually reach the orgasmic goal, especially if the gentleman is sexually experienced and has grown accustomed to sexual encounters resulting in sex.
Fortunately, there is more than one road to Rome. What if, instead of the linear form that we looked at above, we consider a more open way of thinking about physical intimacy...
This graphic is not exactly to scale, and many of the activities on there can occur at various levels of intensity, but the point is that there is a lot more to it that just warming up and getting it on. Some people have intense, satisfying, even orgasmic experiences without any traditional form of "getting off." Some can do with with stimulation like flogging, spanking, bondage, and wrestling.
Even if you are not ready for or interested in kinkier activities or kink at that level of intensity, you can see that there are a great many ways that you can culminate your encounter. No matter if you are a virgin or well experienced, you may find that having a variety of options to choose from will keep things interesting and exciting for a long time to come.
After reading this, Joe might conclude that, with all those options, there is no excuse not to finish the job. Joe would be mistaken. No one is ever obligated to do anything that they are not comfortable with in the sexual context. Anyone can stop anytime that they like. My only point in this article is that there are more options available than one might think, and that if one is not comfortable with one option, another may be more comfortable.
I would be remiss if I did not share with you the best visual representation of the "baseball analogy" before signing off:
Suzie Says: There was this guy that I really liked. I wanted to fool around with him, but I was still a virgin, and I wanted to remain that way. I really didn't know what to do for him so that he would not feel like he was missing out by being with me.
The common first response to this is that he should be satisfied with her because their relationship is worth more than just a physical experience. This is a wonderful sentiment, and for some people it works very well. Unfortunately, many people, male and female, may feel that they are missing out on something if they are not going all the way, so to speak.
Joe says: I don't get what's so complicated here. You get the girl, you lick here and touch there until she's all warmed up and ready, then you stick it in and do your thing. Bing! Bang! Boom! Everyone has a good time. What more is there?
Joe illustrates a common way of thinking, that of sexual relations being a linear activity. First base, second base, third base, HOME!
 |
| Linear View of Sex |
On the other hand, even the most journey-oriented man would like to eventually reach the orgasmic goal, especially if the gentleman is sexually experienced and has grown accustomed to sexual encounters resulting in sex.
Fortunately, there is more than one road to Rome. What if, instead of the linear form that we looked at above, we consider a more open way of thinking about physical intimacy...
 |
| Expanded View of Sex |
Even if you are not ready for or interested in kinkier activities or kink at that level of intensity, you can see that there are a great many ways that you can culminate your encounter. No matter if you are a virgin or well experienced, you may find that having a variety of options to choose from will keep things interesting and exciting for a long time to come.
After reading this, Joe might conclude that, with all those options, there is no excuse not to finish the job. Joe would be mistaken. No one is ever obligated to do anything that they are not comfortable with in the sexual context. Anyone can stop anytime that they like. My only point in this article is that there are more options available than one might think, and that if one is not comfortable with one option, another may be more comfortable.
I would be remiss if I did not share with you the best visual representation of the "baseball analogy" before signing off:
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