I thought we should start with one of the most common topics in the realm of sex. Something relatively uncontroversial, like how to please your partner. Many magazines are full of tips and tricks, some valid and some less so (like the "fire-starter" in which you pretend you are trying to start a fire using the gentleman's penis). This is not a tips and tricks blog. There are plenty of those already on the Internet. Rather, we discuss general concepts and philosophies.
Mrs. Jennings says: My mother always taught me that it is very important to please your husband, so we have sex every week. I don't get much out of it, but I'm not supposed to.
On one of the morning shows today, they quoted a study that said about 75% of people are dissatisfied with their sex lives. This has a great deal to do with the fact that most people's idea of being a good lover involves learning a couple of tricks and applying them, as one might use test taking strategies to pass the SATs. Satisfying one's partner is more difficult than that, and yet somewhat simple as well.
First, let us look at some misconceptions...
Candy Powers says: I have never left a guy unsatisfied. I make him orgasm every time, sometimes twice!
A common misconception among women is that a guy who has ejaculated has been satisfied. It is true that a man who has ejaculated is likely in a better state than he was before, but that does not mean that he found the experience completely satisfactory. Like women, men need more than just orgasm to be fully satisfied. In fact, I, personally, have had some experiences which lacked orgasm but were entirely pleasing, as well as experiences with orgasms that I could have done without.
Joe Sumber says: I never had a problem pleasing a woman. I just go to town on her, and she likes it well enough. Never had a complaint, except from a couple of girls, but they were really uptight anyway.
Similar to Candy's misconception above, just because a woman is responding does not mean that she is being pleased as well as she might be. Many men employ a one size fits all approach, using a few tried and true techniques and assume that they will work on everyone, writing off any woman that they do not work on as uptight. This is, of course, ridiculous. Every person is different, and every person will have different preferences based on their own body.
While I am not going to teach you specific tricks on this blog, I will speak a bit on how to use communication to improve your performance in the bedroom.
Communication
This topic will come up again and again. In fact, it may well come up in every post that I make in this blog. It will come up for one simple reason. Any time you have more than one person doing something together, they need to communicate or it will not go as well as it should. It is especially important in the area of love, romance, and sex as they are very emotional fields.
In terms of pleasing your partner (and being pleased yourself), it is important to communicate. There are three basic types of communication I would like to speak about: explicit communication, questions at the time, and observation.
Explicit Communication
Closely related to pre-negotiating the scene, which is common in kink and will be discussed in future posts, this is the most useful form of communication... to a point. By "explicit communication", I mean clearly discussing, outside of a sexual encounter, exactly what each partner likes, wants, expects, etc.
The difficulty in explicit communication is that some people are not comfortable with it. Most people are taught that sex is not a thing to be talked about, that it is dirty or shameful, so they just want to do it but not talk about it. This is understandable, but a much better experience can be had by all with a little talking beforehand.
Some have gotten the idea into their heads that sex should be natural and that the encounter should develop organically without the need for talking. My opinion on this is that if you want organic, you should go to Whole Foods. If you want a pleasing experience, talk about it.
Explicit communication can be quite enjoyable unto itself. After all, you are talking to your partner, preferably in detail, about all the things that you would like to do to him or her, and what you would like him or her to do to you. Some people find this quite arousing.
There are limits to how far this explicit communication can take you, however. I once had a relationship in which we talked for a few hours about limites, boundaries, interests, desires, and all the rest, but without having had the experience of being together intimately, the talk was so abstract as to lack much purpose. So, I kissed her, and then I understood her a lot better. We talked more after that and found it to be more productive.
Questions at the Time
Perhaps you know a great technique and you just tried it on your partner for the first time. You are not sure if she likes it or not. How can you solve this enigmatic mystery? Let's consider a different quandary. You just showed your girlfriend you new Nightwish t-shirt and you are not sure if she likes it. How would you find out this bit of information. I imagine that you'd probably ask something like "Do you like it?" This would probably get you the information that you seek.
So, back to your exciting new technique. How can you find out if she likes it? Ask her. Listen closely to the answer. I say this because she may be eager to please you as well, and she may give you the answer that she thinks you want to hear. However, if you listen closely, you can usually tell the difference between a sincere positive answer and a fake positive answer.
This would be a lot easier if everyone gave true answers, wouldn't it? Make it easy on yourself. Even if you and your partner are not comfortable about explicitly communicating before sex, at least agree to answer questions honestly. Otherwise, you'll try to impress your partner by saying that you like something that you don't and will be forced to suffer through hours of being bitten on the cheek and tickled on the back of the knee because your partner thinks that is what gets you off.
Observation
Perhaps you are not sure what your partner likes. There you are, in bed, the action has started and you have no idea what to do next. I'm going to let you in on a little secret... In spite of the obvious differences, male and female bodies are remarkably similar in terms of sensitivity. With the exception of a few specific areas (and you know where they are) what stimulates one often stimulates another regardless of sex. This leads to two good helpful hints.
The first helpful hint is that anything that you enjoy, your partner may well enjoy as well. Do you like your partner to nibble your ear? Try it on them. Do you like to have nails run gently down your arm? Try it on them.
The second helpful hint is that people often do to their partners things that they would like to have done to them. This is not always the case, but, especially with a less experienced partner, you may find that an excellent source of new ideas is simply returning the favors your partner does upon you.
Whether in the bedroom or out, communication will always make things run smoother. Next time you think something goes without saying, try saying it anyway. You may find that the thing that went without saying is not actually true at all.
