As we have discussed in previous articles, there are many varieties of relationship style. There are also different levels of commitment in relationships. In this article, we will be discussing various levels of relationships. What follows is sampling of relationship levels, providing a rough framework. This is not an exhaustive list, and the specific terminology is not standardized. The purpose of this article is to make clear that there are a great variety of levels of commitment in relationships.
In this article, I will be referring to the Three Axis Model as discussed in this article.
Chew Toy (a.k.a. Hook-Up)
This term describes an extremely casual relationship which is purely on the Physical Axis. The partners are interested exclusively in physical contact and little else.
F*&%buddy (a.k.a. Acquaintance With Benefits)
This is a casual, sex-based relationship in which the participants have social contact and might even have a bit in common, but the main cohesive force of the relationship is sexual relations.
Friend with benefits
Similar to the above, but with a stronger element of the Friend Axis. This relationship has a sexual element, but the participants also get along well socially. The emotional (love) aspect is not present in any significant way. (See Friends With Benefits)
Casual Dating
This is similar to friends with benefits, but the objective is different. Generally friends with benefits relationships are not intended to develop into anything more serious. Casual dating, on the other hand, is intended as a test drive for a potentially more serious partner. One will often casually date multiple people in order to get a good idea of what they are looking for. (See The Lost Art of Casual Dating.)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Once one has selected a serious partner, they will move onto a more committed relationship. This usually starts with terms like girlfriend and boyfriend, and may progress to fiance/ee and, eventually, spouse. This is where we start moving into to more serious, three-axis relationships.
Primary
This is a polyamory term for the main relationship. Generally, this relationship is a serious, committed relationship. If it is necessary to choose between partners (e.g. one is moving across the country and the other is staying behind, what should you do?), the primary is generally chosen. The primary partner may also have some control over other relationships that their partner has.
Secondary
This is a polyamorous term for relationships beyond the primary relationship. These relationships can be every bit as serious as the primary relationship or they can be relatively casual. The important factor is that it is understood that the primary relationship takes precedence over secondary relationships.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
On Common Interests
As I have been handing out a great many fliers for Smart Love at Pi-Con, I decided to delay part 6 of the Kink 101 until Monday. Don't worry, I did not forget.
Dan says: When I date someone, I want them to be into what I am into. When I go to a sci-fi con, I want to be able to bring her with me and not hear her complain that she is bored all the time.
Suzie says: A guy doesn't really need to be into the stuff that I am into. It is good to have outside interests. Sometimes you need to get away.
Some people feel that it is very important that a couple have common interests and enjoy hobbies together. Others feel that hobbies are good separate. They do this thing with their partner, but this other thing their partner is not involved in at all. Both of these viewpoints are entirely valid, but they will create different forms of relationships.
All Together Now
Many of us know a couple that is an inseparable unit. I don't mean the lovebirds, joined at the hip because they cannot stand to be apart. I am referring to the kind of couple that complements each other's skills and work together on a business or some other project. This can work very well. They are a tight team and they trust each other implicitly. They have the constant comfort of being part of something strong like that. On the downside, they do not get much time apart. If they need a great deal of alone time, this situation will cause friction. It is also very important that both people be good at conflict management. It is very difficult to leave work at the office, when the staff at the office comes home with you.
Some couples enjoy going to events such as conventions or nightclubs together. In the old days, a married couple was seen as an indivisible unit. Without discussing the greater social implications of this, I will say that when one encounters a couple like this, there is a certain amount of stability and gravitas that they project. These two people together are not just two people, they are an institution created by the strength of this relationship. Each member of the relationship also feels the confidence that comes with being something strong and stable. Of course, this is only the case if the couple comes across as being a strong, stable couple. The illusion is somewhat lost if they are fighting and sniping in public.
Often couples are more accepted than individuals, especially individual men, because a couple is seen as more stable and less threatening. Simply put, people are less concerned that a couple will run off with their wife or husband or daughter or son. This is not to say that single people are viewed with suspicion, but couples tend to be viewed with less concern. Interestingly, this phenomenon exists in the polyamorous as well as monogamous worlds.
Separate Paths to Meet Up On the Other Side
Some couples like to do their own thing and specifically spend their together time together. They each have their own hobbies and interests and when they spend time together it is intentional time with just them. This is a fine situation for many people. It means that any concerns and stresses from their activities will not splash back into the relationship. On the other hand, there is always a certain amount of distance that will remain in the relationship because of the separation. Each person will have people at work or in these other avocations that they share things with which their significant other will not understand.
Mr. Jennings says: I love to go out hunting, but Mrs. Jennings has no interest in even hearing about it. I love the smell of the woods, the thrill of the hunt. Since Mrs. Jennings is not interested in it, I have some buddies that I go on my hunting trips with.
While Mr. and Mrs. Jennings have a very close relationship, there are things about Mr. Jennings that Mrs. Jennings will never understand. Since he spends about 7 weekends every summer in the woods, there is a large piece of his life that she is not a part of. Neither of them mind this. He gets to do what he wants to do and she does not have to be involved in it. As we know, no one person can satisfy every single need of another person. In this case, Mr. Jennings satisfies his need to go hunting with his buddies. They know of a side of him that his wife does not and it works very well for everyone.
Should you share your hobbies and interests with your significant other? That is a question that only you can answer. Perhaps you would find it more comfortable to keep your interests completely separate. Maybe you would love the idea of conquering the world side by side with your soul mate. Perhaps you are somewhere in the middle. There is no right answer except for the answer that is right for you and the person you are with. The important thing is to communicate about it openly and honestly and to be sure that the style that you choose is the right one for everyone involved.
Dan says: When I date someone, I want them to be into what I am into. When I go to a sci-fi con, I want to be able to bring her with me and not hear her complain that she is bored all the time.
Suzie says: A guy doesn't really need to be into the stuff that I am into. It is good to have outside interests. Sometimes you need to get away.
Some people feel that it is very important that a couple have common interests and enjoy hobbies together. Others feel that hobbies are good separate. They do this thing with their partner, but this other thing their partner is not involved in at all. Both of these viewpoints are entirely valid, but they will create different forms of relationships.
All Together Now
Many of us know a couple that is an inseparable unit. I don't mean the lovebirds, joined at the hip because they cannot stand to be apart. I am referring to the kind of couple that complements each other's skills and work together on a business or some other project. This can work very well. They are a tight team and they trust each other implicitly. They have the constant comfort of being part of something strong like that. On the downside, they do not get much time apart. If they need a great deal of alone time, this situation will cause friction. It is also very important that both people be good at conflict management. It is very difficult to leave work at the office, when the staff at the office comes home with you.
Some couples enjoy going to events such as conventions or nightclubs together. In the old days, a married couple was seen as an indivisible unit. Without discussing the greater social implications of this, I will say that when one encounters a couple like this, there is a certain amount of stability and gravitas that they project. These two people together are not just two people, they are an institution created by the strength of this relationship. Each member of the relationship also feels the confidence that comes with being something strong and stable. Of course, this is only the case if the couple comes across as being a strong, stable couple. The illusion is somewhat lost if they are fighting and sniping in public.
Often couples are more accepted than individuals, especially individual men, because a couple is seen as more stable and less threatening. Simply put, people are less concerned that a couple will run off with their wife or husband or daughter or son. This is not to say that single people are viewed with suspicion, but couples tend to be viewed with less concern. Interestingly, this phenomenon exists in the polyamorous as well as monogamous worlds.
Separate Paths to Meet Up On the Other Side
Some couples like to do their own thing and specifically spend their together time together. They each have their own hobbies and interests and when they spend time together it is intentional time with just them. This is a fine situation for many people. It means that any concerns and stresses from their activities will not splash back into the relationship. On the other hand, there is always a certain amount of distance that will remain in the relationship because of the separation. Each person will have people at work or in these other avocations that they share things with which their significant other will not understand.
Mr. Jennings says: I love to go out hunting, but Mrs. Jennings has no interest in even hearing about it. I love the smell of the woods, the thrill of the hunt. Since Mrs. Jennings is not interested in it, I have some buddies that I go on my hunting trips with.
While Mr. and Mrs. Jennings have a very close relationship, there are things about Mr. Jennings that Mrs. Jennings will never understand. Since he spends about 7 weekends every summer in the woods, there is a large piece of his life that she is not a part of. Neither of them mind this. He gets to do what he wants to do and she does not have to be involved in it. As we know, no one person can satisfy every single need of another person. In this case, Mr. Jennings satisfies his need to go hunting with his buddies. They know of a side of him that his wife does not and it works very well for everyone.
Should you share your hobbies and interests with your significant other? That is a question that only you can answer. Perhaps you would find it more comfortable to keep your interests completely separate. Maybe you would love the idea of conquering the world side by side with your soul mate. Perhaps you are somewhere in the middle. There is no right answer except for the answer that is right for you and the person you are with. The important thing is to communicate about it openly and honestly and to be sure that the style that you choose is the right one for everyone involved.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
What Does That Vibrator Have That I Don't?
Note: This article describes sexual acts in general terms. Reader discretion is advised.
As you know, I love to write articles by request. It is a way that I can be sure that at least one person will be interested in reading it, and it makes it easier to come up with topics. One request I received recently was to write about why people should not be threatened by their partner using sex toys and porn. Today's post shall speak to men about their female partners using sex toys, and tomorrow's will speak to women about their male partners partaking of pornography.
Joe says: I was dating this girl, and I find out that she is using these vibrators. What would she need those for if she's got the real thing? What does that vibe have that I don't?
Well, Joe, it can rotate 300 times a minute, ultrasonically stimulate her G-spot and stimulate her clitoris all at the same time. I suspect that your penis cannot do that.
Unfortunately, Joe's attitude is all too common. Men, exhibiting a combination of over-confidence and insecurity, will feel threatened to discover that their female partner is using or wants to use sex toys, be it with vibrators, creams, or even lubricants. As we discuss often on Smart Love, there are a great multitude of ways that one can find satisfaction, both in the bedroom and out. Here are some things for a man to consider before he grows jealous of a chunk of silicon with batteries.
Toys Are to Supplement, Not Replace You
If your relationship is otherwise a good one, then the use of toys is not because you are insufficient. If you are like most men, you probably masturbate, and, if you are like most men, then you probably do not think about your girlfriend or wife every time you satisfy your needs. This does not mean that you are not satisfied with her, just that you enjoy exploring other concepts in the comfort of your own mind. For her, it is the same way. She wants to get a variety of sensations.
You and the Toys Are Not Mutually Exclusive
But why does it have to be you or the toys? If you use your fingers or tongue to stimulate her, you likely do so because you want to provide her sensations that are not created with the penis. Sex toys are just another way that you can help to provide her sensations which cannot otherwise be produced. Instead of the sex toys being something that she uses when you are not around, why not use them in your experiences together. A pneumatic hammer is not in competition with a carpenter, but in the carpenter's hands it makes him better at what he does. Same idea here. I leave you to make your own terrible carpenter joke at this time.
Dominick says: Toys are absolutely a part of my repertoire. Many women that I play with do so because they know that I will use whatever is necessary to see to it that they are entirely satisfied by the experience.
Toys Make Your Life Easier
The purpose of technology is to make life easier for us. Sex toys are no different. Why give yourself a case of carpel tunnel syndrome when you can use a g-spot stimulating toy to do the same thing, and maybe even do it better? In the bedroom, your job is to please her. You don't get extra points for being able to do it only with what God gave you. God gave you a brain and the ability to use tools, like an otter or a monkey. Use it.
If you are interested in learning how you can use toys and other products to discover interesting new places in your sex life, email me and I will put you in touch with someone who knows far more about the topic than I do.
As you know, I love to write articles by request. It is a way that I can be sure that at least one person will be interested in reading it, and it makes it easier to come up with topics. One request I received recently was to write about why people should not be threatened by their partner using sex toys and porn. Today's post shall speak to men about their female partners using sex toys, and tomorrow's will speak to women about their male partners partaking of pornography.
Joe says: I was dating this girl, and I find out that she is using these vibrators. What would she need those for if she's got the real thing? What does that vibe have that I don't?
Well, Joe, it can rotate 300 times a minute, ultrasonically stimulate her G-spot and stimulate her clitoris all at the same time. I suspect that your penis cannot do that.
Unfortunately, Joe's attitude is all too common. Men, exhibiting a combination of over-confidence and insecurity, will feel threatened to discover that their female partner is using or wants to use sex toys, be it with vibrators, creams, or even lubricants. As we discuss often on Smart Love, there are a great multitude of ways that one can find satisfaction, both in the bedroom and out. Here are some things for a man to consider before he grows jealous of a chunk of silicon with batteries.
Toys Are to Supplement, Not Replace You
If your relationship is otherwise a good one, then the use of toys is not because you are insufficient. If you are like most men, you probably masturbate, and, if you are like most men, then you probably do not think about your girlfriend or wife every time you satisfy your needs. This does not mean that you are not satisfied with her, just that you enjoy exploring other concepts in the comfort of your own mind. For her, it is the same way. She wants to get a variety of sensations.
You and the Toys Are Not Mutually Exclusive
But why does it have to be you or the toys? If you use your fingers or tongue to stimulate her, you likely do so because you want to provide her sensations that are not created with the penis. Sex toys are just another way that you can help to provide her sensations which cannot otherwise be produced. Instead of the sex toys being something that she uses when you are not around, why not use them in your experiences together. A pneumatic hammer is not in competition with a carpenter, but in the carpenter's hands it makes him better at what he does. Same idea here. I leave you to make your own terrible carpenter joke at this time.
Dominick says: Toys are absolutely a part of my repertoire. Many women that I play with do so because they know that I will use whatever is necessary to see to it that they are entirely satisfied by the experience.
Toys Make Your Life Easier
The purpose of technology is to make life easier for us. Sex toys are no different. Why give yourself a case of carpel tunnel syndrome when you can use a g-spot stimulating toy to do the same thing, and maybe even do it better? In the bedroom, your job is to please her. You don't get extra points for being able to do it only with what God gave you. God gave you a brain and the ability to use tools, like an otter or a monkey. Use it.
If you are interested in learning how you can use toys and other products to discover interesting new places in your sex life, email me and I will put you in touch with someone who knows far more about the topic than I do.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Fighting Lovingly
Emily says: I dated this guy for a while. We never fought, and everyone thought that everything was great, but what we realized that it was all just simmering under the surface. It wasn't that everything was great, it was that we never talked about it.
Many people have the idea that fighting is a sign of instability in a relationship. It is true that excessive conflict is not a good sign. A couple should not be having arguments on a daily basis. However, for many couples, arguments, even heated ones, are a pressure valve through which issues can be addressed before they become too serious to deal with.
Arguments are only an effective pressure valve if they are conducted in a way that does not cause more serious relationship problems later on. Let's take a look at a few rules of how to argue to make arguments part of the solution and not part of the problem.
The Goal Is Agreement, Not Being Right
Many people go into a dispute with the goal of being right. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, he discusses the fact that no one ever wins an argument. Either you are proven wrong, in which case you lose, or you prove the other person wrong, in which case they lose face and will be bitter towards you for embarrassing them. You cannot win an argument in a relationship by proving yourself right. This will only create resentment.
If you are arguing about something, hopefully, it is important enough to spend the energy disputing. It is probably because there is a habit that one person has which bothers the other, or an idea which is offensive for some reason, or, often, a misunderstanding when you are actually in agreement after all. Your goal should be to find an accommodation which is satisfactory to both people. Sometimes it takes a bit of shouting to blow off the steam in order to reach the point where a productive conversation can occur.
Remember, the ultimate goal is coming to such a solution. If you goal is to be right then you may well find yourself right... and alone.
Remember That You Still Love Each Other
Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, you love the person you are with. If you love them, then you should love them even when you disagree, even if that disagreement involves shouting at each other all over the house. Sometimes it is hard to remember this when fighting, but it is important to remember that you are fighting for a relationship with someone you love, not fighting against someone that you love.
Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, it is hard to remember that you are both on the same side, even if you disagree, but if you can keep that in mind, then you will stay focused and avoid saying things that might harm your relationship later.
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
If you dealt with an issue at some point in the past, do not bring it up unless it is actually relevant. Bringing up past issues will only serve to inflame things and obscure the actual issue that you are talking about.
Joe says: I dated this girl once, and every time we fought, it was like she was reading my freakin' rap sheet. She'd remember things from months ago that I thought were settled and gone. Somehow, we never got to the issue we were talking about. It was a great way for her to avoid talking about her screw ups, but it was also a great way to encourage me to get my ass out of there.
In Joe's story, his girlfriend used old offenses to derail arguments. Even if the issue that started the fight was entirely her fault, she would never have to take responsibility for it because she would bring up a past offense of Joe's. This was effective in preventing her from taking blame but ineffective for building a strong and healthy relationship. In the end, she was blameless and single.
Avoid Ad Hominem
Presumably, if you and your significant other are having a fight, you are fighting about something. Name calling and insults are not productive in addressing the actual issue that you are dealing with. It will confuse the issue, and it may create new issues which will be the seeds of future conflict in the relationship.
Generally, when we reach the point of name calling, it is because we forget that we are dealing with a rational, intelligent human being. We are reverting to animal instincts of hurting one who hurt us. By giving in to the temptation to throw barbs, we exacerbate our own perception that we are fighting an enemy and not a loved one.
Fights happen in relationships, but relationships can survive and even grow from fights. Remember that you love each other and that you are in this together, and you can come out stronger and with deeper understanding for the unpleasant experience.
Many people have the idea that fighting is a sign of instability in a relationship. It is true that excessive conflict is not a good sign. A couple should not be having arguments on a daily basis. However, for many couples, arguments, even heated ones, are a pressure valve through which issues can be addressed before they become too serious to deal with.
Arguments are only an effective pressure valve if they are conducted in a way that does not cause more serious relationship problems later on. Let's take a look at a few rules of how to argue to make arguments part of the solution and not part of the problem.
The Goal Is Agreement, Not Being Right
Many people go into a dispute with the goal of being right. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, he discusses the fact that no one ever wins an argument. Either you are proven wrong, in which case you lose, or you prove the other person wrong, in which case they lose face and will be bitter towards you for embarrassing them. You cannot win an argument in a relationship by proving yourself right. This will only create resentment.
If you are arguing about something, hopefully, it is important enough to spend the energy disputing. It is probably because there is a habit that one person has which bothers the other, or an idea which is offensive for some reason, or, often, a misunderstanding when you are actually in agreement after all. Your goal should be to find an accommodation which is satisfactory to both people. Sometimes it takes a bit of shouting to blow off the steam in order to reach the point where a productive conversation can occur.
Remember, the ultimate goal is coming to such a solution. If you goal is to be right then you may well find yourself right... and alone.
Remember That You Still Love Each Other
Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, you love the person you are with. If you love them, then you should love them even when you disagree, even if that disagreement involves shouting at each other all over the house. Sometimes it is hard to remember this when fighting, but it is important to remember that you are fighting for a relationship with someone you love, not fighting against someone that you love.
Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, it is hard to remember that you are both on the same side, even if you disagree, but if you can keep that in mind, then you will stay focused and avoid saying things that might harm your relationship later.
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
If you dealt with an issue at some point in the past, do not bring it up unless it is actually relevant. Bringing up past issues will only serve to inflame things and obscure the actual issue that you are talking about.
Joe says: I dated this girl once, and every time we fought, it was like she was reading my freakin' rap sheet. She'd remember things from months ago that I thought were settled and gone. Somehow, we never got to the issue we were talking about. It was a great way for her to avoid talking about her screw ups, but it was also a great way to encourage me to get my ass out of there.
In Joe's story, his girlfriend used old offenses to derail arguments. Even if the issue that started the fight was entirely her fault, she would never have to take responsibility for it because she would bring up a past offense of Joe's. This was effective in preventing her from taking blame but ineffective for building a strong and healthy relationship. In the end, she was blameless and single.
Avoid Ad Hominem
Presumably, if you and your significant other are having a fight, you are fighting about something. Name calling and insults are not productive in addressing the actual issue that you are dealing with. It will confuse the issue, and it may create new issues which will be the seeds of future conflict in the relationship.
Generally, when we reach the point of name calling, it is because we forget that we are dealing with a rational, intelligent human being. We are reverting to animal instincts of hurting one who hurt us. By giving in to the temptation to throw barbs, we exacerbate our own perception that we are fighting an enemy and not a loved one.
Fights happen in relationships, but relationships can survive and even grow from fights. Remember that you love each other and that you are in this together, and you can come out stronger and with deeper understanding for the unpleasant experience.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friends With Benefits
Two days ago, my article briefly touched on the idea of friends with benefits. Today, we are going to go a little deeper into this topic.
What is a "friend with benefits?" It is generally defined as a sexual relationship that lacks emotional commitment. Sometimes, a friends with benefits relationship is quite light on the friendship. They key definitional factor is that there is a physical relationship without a significant romantic emotional attachment.
Every relationship is different, especially this kind of relationship because there are so many different forms that a friends with benefits relationships can take. This article is just a broad overview of some concepts and examples of friends with benefits relationships.
Etymology and Phraseology
Many people object to this phraseology for a few reasons. First, it makes it sound like friendship is lacking something and needs benefits. It also diminishes the value of the term "friend" because many people in that kind of relationship are not what one might call "friends" if they were not sleeping together, although many are.
Thought I should point this out before I get comments about how terrible a term this is. The problem is that I don't really know of a better term for it, although I would be happy to hear suggestions.
Dominick says: Whenever I hear the term "friend with benefits," I feel like it should include health insurance or 401k or something.
Benefits
Why would someone be interested in a friends with benefits relationship? There are a number of reasons why a friends with benefits relationship might appeal.
Many people find themselves to be at a place in their lives where they are not ready to dedicate the kind of energy it takes to maintain an actual relationship, but they still want to find physical satisfaction.
Sometimes a friends with benefits situation develops when two people find that they are very sexually compatible, but realize that they would be awful in a relationship. They can enjoy their physical compatibility without their other foibles getting in the way.
Pitfalls
The biggest danger in a friend with benefits arrangement is that it is often not inherently stable as a relationship structure. It is entirely possible for one person to become more attached to the other than was intended. Sometimes, this is not a problem. If two single people are friends with benefits, and it blossoms into a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that, unless, of course, they were friends with benefits because they knew that they were romantically incompatible.
It is a problem, however, if one party develops more serious feelings and the other does not. This is where communication is very important. If one person thinks that they are developing more serious feelings, or if they feel that the other person is, it is good to talk about it. Sometimes, in talking about it, they will realize that they both want to take it to the next level. Sometimes it will come out that one person is more attached than the other, but this is not necessarily a problem as long as everyone understands the true situation and is honest with themselves and each other.
Friends with Benefits and Polyamory
This is a fairly common structure in polyamory. Often, someone in a relationship will have a friend with benefits. This might occur because the person is quite emotionally satisfied in the main relationship but finds sexual satisfaction with the other person. This is a fine and often very stable situation if both people have other relationships.
If one person is in a relationship, and the other is not, there is a potential for instability. For some people, it is a fantastic situation. For example, imagine someone coming out of a bad relationship who certainly does not want to get into another but desires physical contact. This would not necessarily be a long term relationship, but it could be quite satisfying for all parties.
On the other hand, a single person might get into this kind of arrangement with a person in a relationship, believing that they can handle it, then find their emotions running away with them, causing some discord.
What if...?
Now, to rain on your parade just a little bit. Whenever one is in a sexual relationship, it is good to give at least a moment of thought to what you might do if an unexpected pregnancy developed. I'm not prescribing any kind of answer, just that it is something that you might want to give a quick thought to because nothing is worse than encountering something like that completely flat footed.
Conclusion
The moral of the story is that a friends with benefits relationship is a relationship like any other. It requires good communication and thoughtfulness about the needs of one's partners, just like any other relationship.
What is a "friend with benefits?" It is generally defined as a sexual relationship that lacks emotional commitment. Sometimes, a friends with benefits relationship is quite light on the friendship. They key definitional factor is that there is a physical relationship without a significant romantic emotional attachment.
Every relationship is different, especially this kind of relationship because there are so many different forms that a friends with benefits relationships can take. This article is just a broad overview of some concepts and examples of friends with benefits relationships.
Etymology and Phraseology
Many people object to this phraseology for a few reasons. First, it makes it sound like friendship is lacking something and needs benefits. It also diminishes the value of the term "friend" because many people in that kind of relationship are not what one might call "friends" if they were not sleeping together, although many are.
Thought I should point this out before I get comments about how terrible a term this is. The problem is that I don't really know of a better term for it, although I would be happy to hear suggestions.
Dominick says: Whenever I hear the term "friend with benefits," I feel like it should include health insurance or 401k or something.
Benefits
Why would someone be interested in a friends with benefits relationship? There are a number of reasons why a friends with benefits relationship might appeal.
Many people find themselves to be at a place in their lives where they are not ready to dedicate the kind of energy it takes to maintain an actual relationship, but they still want to find physical satisfaction.
Sometimes a friends with benefits situation develops when two people find that they are very sexually compatible, but realize that they would be awful in a relationship. They can enjoy their physical compatibility without their other foibles getting in the way.
Pitfalls
The biggest danger in a friend with benefits arrangement is that it is often not inherently stable as a relationship structure. It is entirely possible for one person to become more attached to the other than was intended. Sometimes, this is not a problem. If two single people are friends with benefits, and it blossoms into a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that, unless, of course, they were friends with benefits because they knew that they were romantically incompatible.
It is a problem, however, if one party develops more serious feelings and the other does not. This is where communication is very important. If one person thinks that they are developing more serious feelings, or if they feel that the other person is, it is good to talk about it. Sometimes, in talking about it, they will realize that they both want to take it to the next level. Sometimes it will come out that one person is more attached than the other, but this is not necessarily a problem as long as everyone understands the true situation and is honest with themselves and each other.
Friends with Benefits and Polyamory
This is a fairly common structure in polyamory. Often, someone in a relationship will have a friend with benefits. This might occur because the person is quite emotionally satisfied in the main relationship but finds sexual satisfaction with the other person. This is a fine and often very stable situation if both people have other relationships.
If one person is in a relationship, and the other is not, there is a potential for instability. For some people, it is a fantastic situation. For example, imagine someone coming out of a bad relationship who certainly does not want to get into another but desires physical contact. This would not necessarily be a long term relationship, but it could be quite satisfying for all parties.
On the other hand, a single person might get into this kind of arrangement with a person in a relationship, believing that they can handle it, then find their emotions running away with them, causing some discord.
What if...?
Now, to rain on your parade just a little bit. Whenever one is in a sexual relationship, it is good to give at least a moment of thought to what you might do if an unexpected pregnancy developed. I'm not prescribing any kind of answer, just that it is something that you might want to give a quick thought to because nothing is worse than encountering something like that completely flat footed.
Conclusion
The moral of the story is that a friends with benefits relationship is a relationship like any other. It requires good communication and thoughtfulness about the needs of one's partners, just like any other relationship.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Three Axis Model of Relationship Structure
Gramatical note: 'Axes' as used here is the plural of 'axis', not 'axe'. Crazy English and it's redundant spellings. In case you are curious 'axises' is the plural of a 'axis', a type of deer found in Asia.
There are a wide variety of relationships that any pair of people can have: friends, lovers, romantic partners, friends with benefits, and many others. Often, there is even confusion between partners as to the exact nature of their relationship, such as when one person thinks that they are dating and the other thinks that they are just friends with benefits.
I look at relationships on three axes: connection (friendship), love, and physical (sexual), as show below:
Each of the relationship types that I put in the various zones are meant to be examples, not an exhaustive list of relationship types.
The point of this model is that it gives us a way to look at a relationship in order to get a more solid idea of what the relationship really is and what to expect from it. Often times, a relationship is only considered from the standpoint of two axes, which can create misunderstandings.
The Connection Axis refers to attributes of the relationship which make good friends: interests in common, ability to hold good conversations, comfort together, etc.
The Love Axis is the affection, emotional connection. If this axis is strong then each partner will want to place the needs of the other person before their own, be happy in the other's happiness on a gut level.
The Physical Axis is the simplest to understand. It is the physical connection. Unfortunately, it is often mistaken for love. Two people will be tremendously physically compatible which leads to passionate feelings, but the feelings are only about the physical connection, not the emotional.
Suzie says: I was seeing this guy, and I really thought it was going somewhere. The sex was really mindblowing, and I felt that we had a deep connection and would talk for hours. Turns out that he thought we were just a casual thing. I was heartbroken.
In Suzie's relationship, there was plenty of physical and some connection, but the love element was not there. They were really just friends with benefits. Suzie felt the physical connection and the friend connection, and mistook it for an emotional connection because she was not looking at all three axes separately.
When considering a relationship, one should consider how it lies on all three axes, and make sure that both partners agree on what type of relationship this is. The model of connection, love, and physical gives you a framework in which to discuss the relationship and what both parties might expect in it.
Being a model, it is highly abstract. It is meant to be the beginning of a conversation, not the end.
There are a wide variety of relationships that any pair of people can have: friends, lovers, romantic partners, friends with benefits, and many others. Often, there is even confusion between partners as to the exact nature of their relationship, such as when one person thinks that they are dating and the other thinks that they are just friends with benefits.
I look at relationships on three axes: connection (friendship), love, and physical (sexual), as show below:
Each of the relationship types that I put in the various zones are meant to be examples, not an exhaustive list of relationship types.
The point of this model is that it gives us a way to look at a relationship in order to get a more solid idea of what the relationship really is and what to expect from it. Often times, a relationship is only considered from the standpoint of two axes, which can create misunderstandings.
The Connection Axis refers to attributes of the relationship which make good friends: interests in common, ability to hold good conversations, comfort together, etc.
The Love Axis is the affection, emotional connection. If this axis is strong then each partner will want to place the needs of the other person before their own, be happy in the other's happiness on a gut level.
The Physical Axis is the simplest to understand. It is the physical connection. Unfortunately, it is often mistaken for love. Two people will be tremendously physically compatible which leads to passionate feelings, but the feelings are only about the physical connection, not the emotional.
Suzie says: I was seeing this guy, and I really thought it was going somewhere. The sex was really mindblowing, and I felt that we had a deep connection and would talk for hours. Turns out that he thought we were just a casual thing. I was heartbroken.
In Suzie's relationship, there was plenty of physical and some connection, but the love element was not there. They were really just friends with benefits. Suzie felt the physical connection and the friend connection, and mistook it for an emotional connection because she was not looking at all three axes separately.
When considering a relationship, one should consider how it lies on all three axes, and make sure that both partners agree on what type of relationship this is. The model of connection, love, and physical gives you a framework in which to discuss the relationship and what both parties might expect in it.
Being a model, it is highly abstract. It is meant to be the beginning of a conversation, not the end.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Dating in a Community, Part II - How the Community Polices Its Own
Yesterday, we talked a bit about the benefits of having an open community that is willing to give you frank advice about people they know. Today, I would like to explore this topic a little further, looking at how the community can create a comfort level that allows a relationship to happen and how open discussion can help reduce or prevent sexually transmitted diseases, domestic violence, rape, and sexual assault.
Candy says: I run in the kink and poly communities, communities where people are pretty open about things and everyone seems to know everyone. I met this guy through Fetlife, and he seemed pretty cool, but he was a bit older than me and lived a ways off. At first I wasn't sure, but then I saw that we had common friends, so I was able to ask around. People knew him and told me he was a good guy. I felt more comfortable and agreed to meet him. It turned out awesome, and we had a great relationship, but I would have never gone ahead with it if I had not been able to check him out with people I trusted.
Because Candy lives in a community of people who are open and willing to talk honestly, Candy was able to develop a level of comfort needed to develop a new relationship.
There are other benefits to discarding the none-of-my-business mindset. I am not saying that one should poke their nose where it does not belong, and one should not treat their friend's love lives like their own private editions of the National Enquirer. What I am saying is that people should feel comfortable sharing information that they feel is relevant.
Dan says: In the kink community that I run in, STDs and domestic violence are almost unheard of, not because people don't talk about them, but because people do talk about them. People don't pry, but everyone understands that if they do something improper, word will get around, not as rumor mongering or as people trying to move up in the pecking order, but as public advisory.
Because of this willingness to talk openly about sexual matters, the whole community is made safer. Even if an individual is trying to hide and STD, someone will figure it out, and when they do, they will make sure to warn everyone else. Knowing this, people are encouraged to be very careful, the best way to avoid having to deal with people knowing you have an STD being not getting on in the first place.
This is even more true around issues of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a disease with lives in darkness and silence. It goes on because victims are afraid to speak out. In communities where people "mind their own business," an abuser can abuse one significant other, leave that person and then go on to start a new relationship with another person and abuse them. The second, even though they may have social contact with the first, may get no warning about this individual. Silence insulates the abuser from the consequences of his actions.
In an open community, topics like abuse are discussed openly. People openly discuss their discuss with abuse and people who perpetrate it. This sends a message to potential abusers that such behavior will not be tolerated, and it sends a message to one who is abused that their community will support them, and, if necessary, defend them.
This is not a new concept. In medieval cultures, the gossip network among housewives who gathered at the well would keep abusers in line. If a man beat his wife, she would mention it to her friends at the well, who would tell their husbands. The abuser would find his reception a little cooler at future social encounters because most men really do find abuse objectionable.
Communication is a theme that comes up again and again. Communication among significant others, among friends, among communities. Almost without exception, most situations are improved by more communication rather than less. The challenge is breaking down the walls that encourage silence.
Candy says: I run in the kink and poly communities, communities where people are pretty open about things and everyone seems to know everyone. I met this guy through Fetlife, and he seemed pretty cool, but he was a bit older than me and lived a ways off. At first I wasn't sure, but then I saw that we had common friends, so I was able to ask around. People knew him and told me he was a good guy. I felt more comfortable and agreed to meet him. It turned out awesome, and we had a great relationship, but I would have never gone ahead with it if I had not been able to check him out with people I trusted.
Because Candy lives in a community of people who are open and willing to talk honestly, Candy was able to develop a level of comfort needed to develop a new relationship.
There are other benefits to discarding the none-of-my-business mindset. I am not saying that one should poke their nose where it does not belong, and one should not treat their friend's love lives like their own private editions of the National Enquirer. What I am saying is that people should feel comfortable sharing information that they feel is relevant.
Dan says: In the kink community that I run in, STDs and domestic violence are almost unheard of, not because people don't talk about them, but because people do talk about them. People don't pry, but everyone understands that if they do something improper, word will get around, not as rumor mongering or as people trying to move up in the pecking order, but as public advisory.
Because of this willingness to talk openly about sexual matters, the whole community is made safer. Even if an individual is trying to hide and STD, someone will figure it out, and when they do, they will make sure to warn everyone else. Knowing this, people are encouraged to be very careful, the best way to avoid having to deal with people knowing you have an STD being not getting on in the first place.
This is even more true around issues of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a disease with lives in darkness and silence. It goes on because victims are afraid to speak out. In communities where people "mind their own business," an abuser can abuse one significant other, leave that person and then go on to start a new relationship with another person and abuse them. The second, even though they may have social contact with the first, may get no warning about this individual. Silence insulates the abuser from the consequences of his actions.
In an open community, topics like abuse are discussed openly. People openly discuss their discuss with abuse and people who perpetrate it. This sends a message to potential abusers that such behavior will not be tolerated, and it sends a message to one who is abused that their community will support them, and, if necessary, defend them.
This is not a new concept. In medieval cultures, the gossip network among housewives who gathered at the well would keep abusers in line. If a man beat his wife, she would mention it to her friends at the well, who would tell their husbands. The abuser would find his reception a little cooler at future social encounters because most men really do find abuse objectionable.
Communication is a theme that comes up again and again. Communication among significant others, among friends, among communities. Almost without exception, most situations are improved by more communication rather than less. The challenge is breaking down the walls that encourage silence.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Dating in a Community, Part I - Sharing Information without Drama
In every part of my life, I have found that it is about people, connections and community. In my professional life, it has always been about networks, and in romance it is much the same.
Suzie says: When I meet a guy, I always wish that there was some way to know if he's a good guy or not. Everyone puts their best face forward. I can look at their Facebook and whatever, but that's usually just the good stuff unless the guy is a total psycho.
Suzie's experience is very common. Society has become very spread out. People work far from where they live. They no longer do business in their own downtown with their neighbors. This problem exists as much in business as in romance. There is just no way to know about the person you are encountering.
Even when you do know people in common, people are often hesitant to give an accurate picture of the person. They don't want to be seen as spreading rumors or causing drama.
This is, however, very polar thinking: the idea that a statement about a person is good or bad. It is possible to share this information in a way that is non-judgmental but which equips your friend with information to make an informed decision on how serious to get with someone.
Let us consider how one might speak of some of our Smart Love friends...
Dominick is an arrogant jerk, and that is just how his play parters like him. They want a man who is confident enough to walk through fire. So, if your friend met him and was thinking about getting involved with him, you might want to let her know about this. Here are three ways you might express this.
Nasty, drama-filled way: Dominick is an arrogant ass. I would stay away from him if I were you.
Even-handed way: Dominick is a great guy, but he is a bit arrogant. However, that kind of arrogant makes him a fantastic dom, and some of the women he's played with love his attitude.
Positive way: Dominick is awesome. Some people say he's arrogant, but really that's just dominant. He can control a scene like you would not believe.
It's not that you want to warn someone off of him. You just want to make sure that she knows what she is getting. If she hears that he is arrogant and is okay with that, it's great, but that is not something you want to be surprised by. In fact, whether she is okay with it or not, things might still turn out better for the information.
Casanova is very charming. He is honest, but he has a way of de-emphasizing aspects of himself that might be less desirable. There are plenty of women who would love to have a night of appreciation at the hands of the well practiced Casanova, but if they go into it expecting that attention to develop into a long term relationship, they will find themselves sorely disappointed, possibly even heartbroken.
Again, ways you might explain this:
Nasty, drama-filled way: That womanizing asshole? I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole!
Even-handed way: If you are looking for one night of great sex, Casanova is your man. Just don't expect him to remember your name in two weeks.
Positive way: If they gave PhDs for lovemaking, that man would be Doctor DeMarko! Sure, the chances of him seeing you twice is small, but, the way he does it, once is all you will need.
With many traits, there are people who would be perfectly happy to be with someone who exhibited them, as long as they know what they are getting into at the outset. You are doing to a favor to everyone involved as long as you are even-handed in your explanation. You are doing no favors to Casanova if you let him get together with a woman only to have her badmouth him all over town because she mistook his attentions for expressions of true love.
Tomorrow, we will look further at this topic, including looking at how being in a community can make starting relationships easier and less stressful and how community helps to stop domestic violence.
Virtual Communications, Real Connections
In my recent post on OKCupid, I put my foot in it a little bit by saying that online relationships were not "real." This was not what I meant, so I thought that it would be appropriate to take a closer look at online relationships.
Clark says: I love meeting people online. I don't have to worry about how I look, or even knowing the right thing to say. If I'm not sure, I can always take a quick moment to collect my thoughts or even to Google the answer.
Candy says: I had the hottest relationship online. The guy was a dom who could rock my world with his strength, but he lived hundreds of miles away and was confined to a wheelchair. But, I tell you, this guy was so good that his words were more than enough to get me off. Well, that and my own skilled fingers.
There is an old saying that "on the Internet, no one knows you are a dog." The great strength and weakness of online communication is the narrowness of the communication. In person, you have a great deal of information about a person: what they say, their vocal inflection, body language, pacing of speech, clothing, appearance, etc. Online, the communication is much more limited: words, sometimes pictures, voice if you choose to do so.
This means that the impression that you get of someone might not be entirely accurate. This is a problem if you eventually intend to meet them. I'm sure we've all heard the stories of people who meet and fall in love online then travel halfway around the world to discover the Prince Charming is not necessarily as charming as you thought. After all, no one leaves the toilet seat up or forgets to shower on the Internet.
On the other hand, if the relationship is purely online, what's wrong with an inaccurate picture? When you connect online, you bypass the physical form and connect directly, person to person. It doesn't matter what you look like or what you can do. The other person will often fill in the gaps with what they want to believe is true, and, often, what you might wish were true. I am not talking about being dishonest, just letting yourself believe what you want to believe.
Candy's case is a great example. In chat and talking by voice, her online dom could do things that he could not do in person because of his medical situation, but, for her, he could do things that most other doms could not do even able bodied and in person. In the unreality of the Internet, their connection could be more real than it could ever be in the harsh rigors of the "real" world.
Like many other things in the world of relationships, the answer to the question "what is best?" is "what is best for you?" Casanova would find online relationships entirely unfulfilling as he seeks physical connection. Someone looking to connect on an intellectual level who doesn't want to worry about physical issues and complications would find an online relationship delightfully fulfilling, connecting, and real.
Clark says: I love meeting people online. I don't have to worry about how I look, or even knowing the right thing to say. If I'm not sure, I can always take a quick moment to collect my thoughts or even to Google the answer.
Candy says: I had the hottest relationship online. The guy was a dom who could rock my world with his strength, but he lived hundreds of miles away and was confined to a wheelchair. But, I tell you, this guy was so good that his words were more than enough to get me off. Well, that and my own skilled fingers.
There is an old saying that "on the Internet, no one knows you are a dog." The great strength and weakness of online communication is the narrowness of the communication. In person, you have a great deal of information about a person: what they say, their vocal inflection, body language, pacing of speech, clothing, appearance, etc. Online, the communication is much more limited: words, sometimes pictures, voice if you choose to do so.
This means that the impression that you get of someone might not be entirely accurate. This is a problem if you eventually intend to meet them. I'm sure we've all heard the stories of people who meet and fall in love online then travel halfway around the world to discover the Prince Charming is not necessarily as charming as you thought. After all, no one leaves the toilet seat up or forgets to shower on the Internet.
On the other hand, if the relationship is purely online, what's wrong with an inaccurate picture? When you connect online, you bypass the physical form and connect directly, person to person. It doesn't matter what you look like or what you can do. The other person will often fill in the gaps with what they want to believe is true, and, often, what you might wish were true. I am not talking about being dishonest, just letting yourself believe what you want to believe.
Candy's case is a great example. In chat and talking by voice, her online dom could do things that he could not do in person because of his medical situation, but, for her, he could do things that most other doms could not do even able bodied and in person. In the unreality of the Internet, their connection could be more real than it could ever be in the harsh rigors of the "real" world.
Like many other things in the world of relationships, the answer to the question "what is best?" is "what is best for you?" Casanova would find online relationships entirely unfulfilling as he seeks physical connection. Someone looking to connect on an intellectual level who doesn't want to worry about physical issues and complications would find an online relationship delightfully fulfilling, connecting, and real.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
More Than One Way...
When Suzie was younger, she had a quandary.
Suzie Says: There was this guy that I really liked. I wanted to fool around with him, but I was still a virgin, and I wanted to remain that way. I really didn't know what to do for him so that he would not feel like he was missing out by being with me.
The common first response to this is that he should be satisfied with her because their relationship is worth more than just a physical experience. This is a wonderful sentiment, and for some people it works very well. Unfortunately, many people, male and female, may feel that they are missing out on something if they are not going all the way, so to speak.
Joe says: I don't get what's so complicated here. You get the girl, you lick here and touch there until she's all warmed up and ready, then you stick it in and do your thing. Bing! Bang! Boom! Everyone has a good time. What more is there?
Joe illustrates a common way of thinking, that of sexual relations being a linear activity. First base, second base, third base, HOME!
This is a common way of thinking among high school boys, but, unfortunately, this kind of thinking often stays with people throughout their lives. Indeed, many sexual encounters follow a fairly linear structure, but if one is simply driving towards to goal, there is a lot to miss out on. Nowhere is it more true than in the bedroom that life is a journey, not a destination.
On the other hand, even the most journey-oriented man would like to eventually reach the orgasmic goal, especially if the gentleman is sexually experienced and has grown accustomed to sexual encounters resulting in sex.
Fortunately, there is more than one road to Rome. What if, instead of the linear form that we looked at above, we consider a more open way of thinking about physical intimacy...
This graphic is not exactly to scale, and many of the activities on there can occur at various levels of intensity, but the point is that there is a lot more to it that just warming up and getting it on. Some people have intense, satisfying, even orgasmic experiences without any traditional form of "getting off." Some can do with with stimulation like flogging, spanking, bondage, and wrestling.
Even if you are not ready for or interested in kinkier activities or kink at that level of intensity, you can see that there are a great many ways that you can culminate your encounter. No matter if you are a virgin or well experienced, you may find that having a variety of options to choose from will keep things interesting and exciting for a long time to come.
After reading this, Joe might conclude that, with all those options, there is no excuse not to finish the job. Joe would be mistaken. No one is ever obligated to do anything that they are not comfortable with in the sexual context. Anyone can stop anytime that they like. My only point in this article is that there are more options available than one might think, and that if one is not comfortable with one option, another may be more comfortable.
I would be remiss if I did not share with you the best visual representation of the "baseball analogy" before signing off:
Suzie Says: There was this guy that I really liked. I wanted to fool around with him, but I was still a virgin, and I wanted to remain that way. I really didn't know what to do for him so that he would not feel like he was missing out by being with me.
The common first response to this is that he should be satisfied with her because their relationship is worth more than just a physical experience. This is a wonderful sentiment, and for some people it works very well. Unfortunately, many people, male and female, may feel that they are missing out on something if they are not going all the way, so to speak.
Joe says: I don't get what's so complicated here. You get the girl, you lick here and touch there until she's all warmed up and ready, then you stick it in and do your thing. Bing! Bang! Boom! Everyone has a good time. What more is there?
Joe illustrates a common way of thinking, that of sexual relations being a linear activity. First base, second base, third base, HOME!
 |
| Linear View of Sex |
On the other hand, even the most journey-oriented man would like to eventually reach the orgasmic goal, especially if the gentleman is sexually experienced and has grown accustomed to sexual encounters resulting in sex.
Fortunately, there is more than one road to Rome. What if, instead of the linear form that we looked at above, we consider a more open way of thinking about physical intimacy...
 |
| Expanded View of Sex |
Even if you are not ready for or interested in kinkier activities or kink at that level of intensity, you can see that there are a great many ways that you can culminate your encounter. No matter if you are a virgin or well experienced, you may find that having a variety of options to choose from will keep things interesting and exciting for a long time to come.
After reading this, Joe might conclude that, with all those options, there is no excuse not to finish the job. Joe would be mistaken. No one is ever obligated to do anything that they are not comfortable with in the sexual context. Anyone can stop anytime that they like. My only point in this article is that there are more options available than one might think, and that if one is not comfortable with one option, another may be more comfortable.
I would be remiss if I did not share with you the best visual representation of the "baseball analogy" before signing off:
She Doesn't Know She's Out of Your League
I have been in the dating world for quite a few years, but it is only very recently that I discovered these very important key to meeting potential romantic partners. This article is specifically speaking to readers who are interested in meeting women. A later article will speak to the readers who are interested in meeting men, as the psychology is quite different.
Clark says: I have a lot of trouble meeting women. When I see a woman I might be interested in, I realize that she is way too attractive to have any interest in someone like me, so I save myself the embarrassment.
Clark's problem here is that he is making a common but incorrect assumption.
He is assuming that the object of his attentions thinks of herself as highly desirable.
This is a topic which I will go into in greater depth in later articles, but this is one way in which romance is different than most other human endeavors. Generally, when two people are trying to come together to make some kind of connection, be it a business partnership, a purchase, or an agreement, both partners usually have some idea of the value of what they bring to the table and what they seek to get out of the situation.
Romance is different for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that factors like desirability are highly subjective and difficult to measure. There are objective traits like height, measurements, hair color, etc, but there is no empirical formula for determining how attractive someone is from those metrics.
Consider Dan's story.
Dan says: I saw this woman at a social event, and she was gorgeous. Blond hair, great body, outgoing personality. I immediately assumed that she was out of my league, but she was new to the place and I had been around for a while, so I figured I'd be nice and introduce myself just to make her feel more comfortable. We talked and ended up making plans to hang out. After hanging out a few times, we ended up dating. Not only was she interested in me, but she had absolutely know idea that she was attractive. She didn't think that she was ugly, but the thought that she was out of anyone's league had never crossed her mind.
This happens more often than you would think. In fact, many stunningly attractive women find that they get less male attention than their more average looking friends. Why? Because most men apply the logic that John Nash suggests in the movie A Beautiful Mind, that they are more likely to be rejected by the more attractive woman so they might as well just go straight for the second choice to improve their chance for success.
A good objective measure of comeliness would seem to be attention from suitors, so the more attractive woman would think herself less attractive due to this peculiar effect. Of course, her friends who are getting the attention don't think themselves attractive either because they look at their stunning friend and think that they cannot possibly be as attractive as her either.
Add to this various other social pressures on women to think that they are not good enough, and the result is that most women greatly underestimate their own appeal. This is a very unfortunate societal trend, but much the of the cause of implications of this are beyond the scope of this publication.
So, gentle readers, what does all this mean to you? You have spotted a lady of interest to you and would like to approach her but think that she is too attractive to be interested in you. Here are some things to keep in mind: showing confidence, sincere appreciation, knowing your own strengths. Although this article is mostly about women, most of the advice below applies to both genders.
Showing Confidence
Want to improve your attractiveness without spending any money, without changing your clothes, and without having to spend any effort? You can do it! How? Stop worrying about if you are attractive or not. If you are insecure about yourself, people you are talking to can sense it, just like a wolf can smell fear.
Candy says: I know that I am the hottest girl in the world, but it doesn't matter. I approach a person I want with confidence which is better than being hot any day. I don't even understand why other people get stressed out about trying to pick someone up. I don't ask them if they want to get with me. I tell them, and they agree.
When Candy approaches a man or woman in whom she is interested, she expresses the confidence that she will be successful. The object of her affections feels that and often responds accordingly. Conversely, if you approach someone with doubt and apprehension, they will feel it. It's the difference between asking "Do you want to get together with me?" and "You don't want to get together with me, do you?"
Sincere Appreciation
If you have ever dealt with a very good salesman, then you may have noticed that they did a great deal to make you feel good about yourself: complementing your judgment, suggesting that you deserve what you want, and generally making you feel worthy of the best. In approaching your lady, you would do well to do the same, but be careful in doing so. Women are very used to false flattery. Stick strictly to the truth. Do not tell her that she has the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen unless she actually has the most beautiful eyes that you have ever seen.
Casanova says: The greatest tragedy is that the world is full of beautiful women who have been fooled by a society, which has no taste or class, into believing that they are not glorious creatures. Every woman I come together with, I help her to understand the great beauty and power that is hers.
Although Casanova DeMarko is not known for his ability (or desire) to sustain a relationship, most women he gets together with think well of him because he makes them feel good about themselves. He does not exaggerate or make false promises. He holds strictly to the truth and makes a woman feel, by his sincere attentions, like a work of art being admired.
Unless you have the natural confidence of Casanova, I would not recommend that you try his technique, but you can learn from him. Even awkwardly saying that you wanted to talk to her because she is really pretty, it will be flattering to her as long as you are sincere in what you say.
Know Your Own Strengths
Most people underestimate their own comeliness. This probably applies to the lady you are approaching, and it may apply to you as well. Here is an exercise for you. Take out a sheet of paper (or open Notepad if you prefer). At the top write "5 Attractive Traits". You can probably guess the next step. Write 5 or more attractive traits that you have. I mean the five best things about you that other people might notice. Not sure what to write? Think about what people have complimented about you. When people say "you look nice", they are being polite. When they say "you have beautiful eyes," they probably think you have beautiful eyes. Like your list? Go ahead and share it in the comments below.
Communicate your confidence. You may not get results like Candy and Casanova do, but you will be very pleased by the results, as will those you talk to.
Note: One might read this and conclude that I am suggesting that the only thing that is important about a woman is how she looks. This is not intended and is not what I believe. However, this article refers to a situation in which people know little more about each other beyond what they see on the surface. People, both men and women, are more than just their appearance, but appearance is often an important piece of first contact in a romantic context.
Clark says: I have a lot of trouble meeting women. When I see a woman I might be interested in, I realize that she is way too attractive to have any interest in someone like me, so I save myself the embarrassment.
Clark's problem here is that he is making a common but incorrect assumption.
He is assuming that the object of his attentions thinks of herself as highly desirable.
This is a topic which I will go into in greater depth in later articles, but this is one way in which romance is different than most other human endeavors. Generally, when two people are trying to come together to make some kind of connection, be it a business partnership, a purchase, or an agreement, both partners usually have some idea of the value of what they bring to the table and what they seek to get out of the situation.
Romance is different for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that factors like desirability are highly subjective and difficult to measure. There are objective traits like height, measurements, hair color, etc, but there is no empirical formula for determining how attractive someone is from those metrics.
Consider Dan's story.
Dan says: I saw this woman at a social event, and she was gorgeous. Blond hair, great body, outgoing personality. I immediately assumed that she was out of my league, but she was new to the place and I had been around for a while, so I figured I'd be nice and introduce myself just to make her feel more comfortable. We talked and ended up making plans to hang out. After hanging out a few times, we ended up dating. Not only was she interested in me, but she had absolutely know idea that she was attractive. She didn't think that she was ugly, but the thought that she was out of anyone's league had never crossed her mind.
This happens more often than you would think. In fact, many stunningly attractive women find that they get less male attention than their more average looking friends. Why? Because most men apply the logic that John Nash suggests in the movie A Beautiful Mind, that they are more likely to be rejected by the more attractive woman so they might as well just go straight for the second choice to improve their chance for success.
A good objective measure of comeliness would seem to be attention from suitors, so the more attractive woman would think herself less attractive due to this peculiar effect. Of course, her friends who are getting the attention don't think themselves attractive either because they look at their stunning friend and think that they cannot possibly be as attractive as her either.
Add to this various other social pressures on women to think that they are not good enough, and the result is that most women greatly underestimate their own appeal. This is a very unfortunate societal trend, but much the of the cause of implications of this are beyond the scope of this publication.
So, gentle readers, what does all this mean to you? You have spotted a lady of interest to you and would like to approach her but think that she is too attractive to be interested in you. Here are some things to keep in mind: showing confidence, sincere appreciation, knowing your own strengths. Although this article is mostly about women, most of the advice below applies to both genders.
Showing Confidence
Want to improve your attractiveness without spending any money, without changing your clothes, and without having to spend any effort? You can do it! How? Stop worrying about if you are attractive or not. If you are insecure about yourself, people you are talking to can sense it, just like a wolf can smell fear.
Candy says: I know that I am the hottest girl in the world, but it doesn't matter. I approach a person I want with confidence which is better than being hot any day. I don't even understand why other people get stressed out about trying to pick someone up. I don't ask them if they want to get with me. I tell them, and they agree.
When Candy approaches a man or woman in whom she is interested, she expresses the confidence that she will be successful. The object of her affections feels that and often responds accordingly. Conversely, if you approach someone with doubt and apprehension, they will feel it. It's the difference between asking "Do you want to get together with me?" and "You don't want to get together with me, do you?"
Sincere Appreciation
If you have ever dealt with a very good salesman, then you may have noticed that they did a great deal to make you feel good about yourself: complementing your judgment, suggesting that you deserve what you want, and generally making you feel worthy of the best. In approaching your lady, you would do well to do the same, but be careful in doing so. Women are very used to false flattery. Stick strictly to the truth. Do not tell her that she has the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen unless she actually has the most beautiful eyes that you have ever seen.
Casanova says: The greatest tragedy is that the world is full of beautiful women who have been fooled by a society, which has no taste or class, into believing that they are not glorious creatures. Every woman I come together with, I help her to understand the great beauty and power that is hers.
Although Casanova DeMarko is not known for his ability (or desire) to sustain a relationship, most women he gets together with think well of him because he makes them feel good about themselves. He does not exaggerate or make false promises. He holds strictly to the truth and makes a woman feel, by his sincere attentions, like a work of art being admired.
Unless you have the natural confidence of Casanova, I would not recommend that you try his technique, but you can learn from him. Even awkwardly saying that you wanted to talk to her because she is really pretty, it will be flattering to her as long as you are sincere in what you say.
Know Your Own Strengths
Most people underestimate their own comeliness. This probably applies to the lady you are approaching, and it may apply to you as well. Here is an exercise for you. Take out a sheet of paper (or open Notepad if you prefer). At the top write "5 Attractive Traits". You can probably guess the next step. Write 5 or more attractive traits that you have. I mean the five best things about you that other people might notice. Not sure what to write? Think about what people have complimented about you. When people say "you look nice", they are being polite. When they say "you have beautiful eyes," they probably think you have beautiful eyes. Like your list? Go ahead and share it in the comments below.
Communicate your confidence. You may not get results like Candy and Casanova do, but you will be very pleased by the results, as will those you talk to.
Note: One might read this and conclude that I am suggesting that the only thing that is important about a woman is how she looks. This is not intended and is not what I believe. However, this article refers to a situation in which people know little more about each other beyond what they see on the surface. People, both men and women, are more than just their appearance, but appearance is often an important piece of first contact in a romantic context.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)