More On The Love Axis

I got a great question from a reader regarding the relationship axes, and I would like to address it today.
I find I always have a great deal of trouble understanding what "romance/love" is in contrast to friendship and physical attraction. I hate to say this, because there's a part of me that thinks it shouldn't be true, but a lot of times it seems to me that the only difference between a romantic/love relationship and a deep friendship is the physical intimacy.

To help me understand the axis labeled "love" a little better, can you tell me what a "love" relationship would be if there were no friendship component and no physical intimacy involved?

Put another way, if you take the Ideal Romantic Relationship, and remove the physical and friendship components, what's left?

Or, put even another way, imagine meeting someone new. After getting to know them for about a week, you realize that you feel love/romantic attraction for them, though you don't find them physically attractive, and don't think you'd be particularly compatible as friends. Is this even possible? It seems to me like the "love' axis is somehow intrinsically dependent on the other two axes, and that in order to have a "love" relationship with someone you either need to be good friends or f***buddies first.

Please help me understand.


This is a very interesting question. The love axis is unique among the three in that it is the only one where relationships that are only on that axis are generally a bit peculiar. A relationship exclusively on the friend/connection axis would be friends. Exclusively on the physical/sex axis is seen in one night stands and purely physical relationships.

There are a few situations where one might find single-axis love relationships. A situation in which two partners correspond but never meet could be this kind of relationship. Courtly love would be a historic example. The lovers would never have physical contact, and they did not really know each other as people, but as ideals of love. Were they to actually consummate their relationship, they would probably have found the love to fade and reality rushed in.

A modern equivalent would be some Internet lovers. They share a deep connection, but because it is only in writing, they do not know the whole truth of each other. I do say 'some' and not 'all'. Some online relationships do get very personal and build the friendship axis, but others are simply an opportunity for two people to project their fantasies onto one another.

On the diagram, I placed crushes into the love-only category as well. Again, this applies to some, not all, but one often will develop a crush on a person that they do not know well. Of course, this relationship is not reciprocal, which one might well argue makes it not a relationship at all. Courtship, on the other hand, which I also included in the love-only circle could be an example of a love-only relationship. In a proper courtship, a relationship develops between the two people, but there is no physical element, and, given the stilted nature of the encounters, it is difficult to develop a true friendship as well.

I hope that you have found this helpful. I certainly enjoyed writing it. I feel that this kind of deconstruction is valuable for gaining a deeper understanding of our relationships and of how we interact with the people around us. Keep the questions coming.

Relationship Forms and Styles

This article is the third in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. The first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. This third discusses and defines various terms. The fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.

Click here for full sized  image

There is a wide variety of relationship styles. The Venn diagram above shows a few of the more common concepts. The shapes are not to any particular scale. The sizes of the various circles are based on what I needed to fit inside them rather than any kind of population proportion.


Emily says: When I was monogamous, I was never comfortable with that relationship form, but, not realizing that there were any other options, I just assumed that there was something wrong with me.


Too many people believe that there is only one way to have a relationship. For some people it works, but for others, it does not. I happen to like steak, but if I were to open a restaurant, I would serve more than steak. Some people like it, others do not, yet others are allergic to it or have religious prohibitions against eating it.


It is the same with relationships. Different forms work better for different people. All are valid. It is simply a matter of figuring out what works for you. Below, we will discuss the various styles shown on the chart above. It is not an exhaustive list, and there are many overlaps from one style to another. Ultimately, remember, it is all about what works for the person involved. As long as people are being open, honest, and caring, they will probably end up on the right track..


Before discussing the forms, I would like to discuss the concept of a Relationship Contract


Relationship Contract
Every relationship has a relationship contract. This can be explicit or implicit, but, as a concept, it describes the expectations, limits, and rules under which the relationship functions. This will be discussed in much greater detail in a later article, but I wanted to explain it briefly because it is a very important concept for understanding many relationship forms.



Monogamy
Monogamy is the relationship style that most people in America practice. It is based on the concept that two people form a bond, ultimately seeking a permanent bond, in order to share their lives.

Candy says: I met a guy who told me that he was polyamorous until he found the right person. Sorry, dude. We call that single.


Single - Casual Dating
Many monogamous people will engage in casual dating. This is a matter of going out with various people. For some, this is a process designed to find a partner that they would like to get more serious with. For others, it is simply a way to play the field and satisfy their physical needs. This is one of the relationship forms that most often results in conflict, as people almost never discuss the relationship contract in play leading to various people having very different expectations of where a relationship is headed and the amount of communication that is appropriate.


Exclusive Relationship
This is the form of relationship that most of us are most familiar with. Two people have a relationship with only each other with the ultimate goal of forming a strong enough relationship to lead to engagement and marriage, children, etc. Even within this relationship form, there are variations. Some people believe that a couple should do everything together. Others think that it is good to have entire segments of their lives that are separate. Some feel that fidelity is a matter only of physical action, i.e. not touching other people. Others feel that fidelity is a matter of thought as well as action (e.g. Jimmy Carter sinning in his heart). Even though this is the "default" relationship form, one should not take for granted the need to communicate about expectations. Any statement that starts with "Everybody knows that...." is usually the start of or explanation for an argument.

Open LDR (Long Distance Relationship)
This is a common situation in the monogamous world where the principles of an open relationship will come into play. Acknowledging physical and emotional needs, a couple separated by great distance may decide that they can pursue casual relationships with local partners under certain restrictions. Sometimes this is a good stopgap solution for a temporary separation. Sometimes this leads to jealousy and conflict. As in any relationship, communication is key. As in any open relationship it is crucial that both partners be honest about their feelings, concerns, and jealousies, both with their partner and, more importantly, with themselves.

Open Relationships

An open relationship is any significant relationship in which one or all partners are allowed to have outside relationships of some kind within the bounds of the relationship contract.

Swinging

This is the most free-flowing form of open relationships. Partners will engage in casual sexual contact with other people, but will not form serious relationships with them. This is a more comfortable form of open relationship for some because they do not have issues with their partner sharing their body with another person as long as they do not share their heart.

Polyamory

Polyamory is a neologism which literally means "many loves." In a polyamorous relationship, the participants may have emotional relationships with others. There are many different forms that this takes in application. In some relationships, new partners must be approved by other partners. Some people are allowed to have emotional relationships but are limited in physical activities. Others can do anything physically, but there are limits on emotional attachments. The key difference between swinging and polyamory is that swingers only engage in casual sex outside the relationship, while one who is polyamorous may develop deeper emotional relationships.

Primary/Secondary Polyamory (Hierarchical Polyamory)

In Hierarchical polyamory, some relationships are considered to be more significant than others. For example, a married couple in an open marriage could be considered to be hierarchical. The partners may have relationships with other people, but ultimately, the spouse comes first. It is in these situations where it is more common to find veto arrangements, where one's partner may approve or reject a potential secondary relationship. 

Non-Heirarctical Poly

Although philosophically very different, structurally, this relationship style is similar to what single monogamous  folks do. People develop relationships, generally dating as they like, although sometimes there are rules and limits placed from existing relationships. The key philosophical difference between this and single monogamous is that polyamorous people generally feel an obligation to their partners and their needs and 

concerns, while casual dating tends to have more of a caveat emptor approach. Of course, this is not true for everyone in either case, but it is the general trend.

Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity is a relationship structure in which multiple partners form a committed group relationship. This can be an exclusive arrangement, or it can allow for additional outside relationships.

Exclusive Multi-Partner Arrangements
This is similar to monogamy, but the closed relationship is among more than two people. The members of the relationship do not have relationships outside the group. Besides the obvious, the key difference is that, while monogamy assumes that one will be with one other person for the rest of their life and no other, it is not impossible that a new person could be introduced into the group. This tends to be a fairly complex and uncommon process, meaning that exclusive polyfidelity tends to be a fairly stable, unchanging structure, compared to other polyamorous structures.

Polygamy
Polygamy, meaning one person with multiple spouses who are exclusive to that person, is technically a subset of exclusive multi-partner arrangements. Polygyny is a single man with multiple wives, likewise polyandry a single woman with multiple husbands. Although new partners may be added in the future, by the nature of the arrangement, there will only be one man or woman depending on the type. Historically, this is the common form of multiple partner marriages and arrangements, mostly because, unlike a group marriage, it makes issues of heredity simpler. If the king has 10 wives, you can still tell who his first born is. If the king has 10 wives and 5 co-husbands, it is much harder to know who the first born prince is.

This structure is largely out of favor in most circles: out of favor in the monogamous community because it is so radical, and out of favor in the polyamorous communities because it is so sexually regressive.

Open Polyfidelity

In open polyfidelity, there is a group at the center of the structure, but various members of the group maintain their separate relationships outside the core group. Some groups let people date openly, others require group approval for any new relationships, and others have different arrangements. Like other relationships, there are as many forms for this to take as there are polyfidelitous groups.

This is just a brief overview of various relationship concepts. Trying to explain all of these ideas in one post is like trying to explain science in 700 words, but this gives you the broad strokes. In future articles, we will delve into many of these topics in much greater detail.

Keeping and Open Mind Towards Open and Non-Traditional Relationships

This article is the first in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. This first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. The third discusses and defines various terms. The fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.

This article is a brief survey of open relationships, and I will be going into great detail on some of the specific topics discussed here in future articles.

Joe says: An open relationship sounds wicked sweet. I get to do whoever I want and not get in trouble for it.


Joe doesn't exactly have the right idea about open relationships. Many people first respond that way, but their excitement cools when they realize that their partner also gets to do the same thing.

Open relationships are neither better nor worse than monogamous relationships. They are also neither more or less complicated. It is like asking "which is a better tool, a screwdriver or a hammer?" It depends on the situation and what you are trying to achieve.

First, let us briefly define what we are talking about. An open relationship is one in which the couple has agreed to allow outside relationships in some form. This takes many forms, ranging from swingers, who have a main relationship and have non-romantic sexual encounters with various people, to polyamorous people, who may have multiple long-term, romantic, emotionally engaged relationships. There is also polyfidelity, which is not technically an open relationship, but which is a closed relationship of 3 or more people.

As we will discuss Tuesday, there are many forms of open and non-traditional relationships, and this concept of open relationships appeals to people for a wide variety of reasons.

Emily says: When I was younger, I had never heard of polyamory. I would get into long term relationships, but I was never able to be faithful. I would try to be "loyal", but I was always overcome by temptation. I got to think I was a terrible person because that is what society told me I was. When I discovered polyamory, I realized that it was not me that was defective, it was the form of relationship that I was trying to force myself into. I now live in a wonderful poly household, and I can finally be myself, following my desires as long as I am careful and respectful of my partner's needs.


For some people, traditional monogamous relationships just don't work. It's not because they do not try. It's simply that they cannot constrain their heart to love one person and one person only for all time. These people often end up cheating. Even if they can remain faithful, will feel trapped in monogamous relationships, feeling unfulfilled, not because their partner is lacking but because they feel the need to love more than one.

Dan says: My girlfriend and I decided to explore polyamory because we are both bisexual. She is wonderful, but she is not a man, so I always found myself missing that experience. She felt likewise. I started seeing a man, and she saw a couple of women. In opening our relationship, we found that, not only could we get our needs met, but that we had a new closeness. Rather than feeling that she was keeping me from something, we could be open and honest in our desires, and even share our attraction to other people. Let me tell you, checking out girls with your girlfriend is awesome.


For others, opening the relationship takes something that creates a chasm between couples, attraction to other people, and makes it a point of commonality. When a couple has good communication and manages jealousy well, they can achieve something called compersion, a state of empathic happiness. This is the kind of happiness that you feel when your best bud get's a date with the hot girl at the bar. The only difference is that the best bud in question is your significant other. It is important for couples to have hobbies and interests in common. Many people are very interested in courting, and many poly couples find great enjoyment in sharing their interest in this activity.

Let's say that you are already in a relationship and find that the idea of an open relationship interesting. Here are a few ways that opening a relationship can work and not work.

Examples of Good Situations for an Open Relationship
Both of partners agree that there is no reason to be monogamous
This is a pretty obvious one. If both of you are thinking that there is no reason why you cannot see other people and think that it might be interesting, this is a good situation to try an open relationship.

The partners still love each other, but the sex is lacking
This is one situation that has to be approached very delicately, but it is a sensible situation for opening the relationship. If you were entirely satisfied in your relationship except that you loved baseball and your mate hated it, you'd find some friends to go to baseball games with and everyone would be happy. This is similar, but with sex instead of baseball. Of course, this is very different because few people are taught to base their self worth on the love of baseball, while many people are taught that their self worth is based on their sexual prowess.

One is unable/unwilling/unwanting to sleep with one's partner but still loves him or her
You are very happy with your partner, but for whatever reason, you cannot give him what he needs. (I say 'he' because, in 4 out of 5 cases like this I have encountered, it has been the woman who is unable to give the man what he wants/needs.) In this case, understanding that sex is but a part of your relationship, you might offer to let him go and find satisfy his needs elsewhere. (This is sometimes jokingly called "outsourcing.") This can be an excellent solution. The most common pitfall I hear about in this situation is not that jealously crops up, but that the man thinks that it is some kind of test of his character and loyalty, so he declines the offer. Why might he think so? Because most advice columnists and radio DJs will tell him that it's a trap and that she is trying to get him to "cheat" so she can "catch" him.

One partner has a fetish or interest that the other is not interested in indulging
Similar to the above example, perhaps the sex life is satisfactory, but there is a particular fetish that your partner has. For example, maybe he really enjoys sadomasochism as a top, but you have no desire to be a bottom. You might decide to let him go exercise his desires on someone who would appreciate his particular interests. The important thing here is to realize that the other woman is not better than you overall, she is simply better than you at satisfying that one single need.

Examples of Bad Situations for an Open Relationship
There are other underlying issues causing stress in the relationship
Often, a poor sex life for a couple is caused by other stresses: e.g. money, mistrust, or poor communication. Perhaps they may feel that the sex with their partners is unsatisfying, so things would get better if they could get more satisfying sex somewhere else. This is a situation that, in the poly groups online, they refer to as "relationship broken, add more people." This usually does not work. The stresses that are causing problems in the first place will lead to mistrust and jealousy, and drag a third, unwary victim into the already broken relationship.

One partner wants to see other people but do not want to let the other partner do the same
It is one thing if one partner says, "you can see other people, but I have no desire to." That can work well, but "I want to see other people, but you may not do the same" will rarely work. It is fundamentally unfair and generally is only even attempted in a relationship with an uneven power dynamic. In the end, this will likely cause great jealousy and resentment.


Approaching the Topic of Opening the Relationship
Opening this conversation must be done carefully. Avoid the following phrase, "I think we should see other people." That means "we should break up." Hopefully you already know that.

Often, opening this conversation will lead to the question of "What brought this up?" This really means, "What did I do wrong to make you think I was not good enough." Saying that you read an interesting article on this great blog called Smart Love and thought it might be interesting to think about is a good save here.

Generally, I might suggest talking about open relationships in theory before trying to talk about them specifically, for you. This way, you can get an idea what your partners concerns are before things become emotional and heated. There are also a few points that you want to make sure to get across. If any of the things on the following list are not true, do not try to get them across, but also seriously re-evaluate your relationship.

"I love you."
"You are not inadequate to me."
"I want to explore this to make our relationship stronger, not to get away from you."

You could even start the conversation by suggesting that he or she read some articles from Smart Love on the topic. Again, make sure that you make the above three points very clear. You do not want her or him to read the article and start having an anxiety attack thinking that this is a prelude to breaking up.

Here are some books on the topic which you may find valuable...

Virtual Communications, Real Connections

In my recent post on OKCupid, I put my foot in it a little bit by saying that online relationships were not "real." This was not what I meant, so I thought that it would be appropriate to take a closer look at online relationships.

Clark says: I love meeting people online. I don't have to worry about how I look, or even knowing the right thing to say. If I'm not sure, I can always take a quick moment to collect my thoughts or even to Google the answer.


Candy says: I had the hottest relationship online. The guy was a dom who could rock my world with his strength, but he lived hundreds of miles away and was confined to a wheelchair. But, I tell you, this guy was so good that his words were more than enough to get me off. Well, that and my own skilled fingers.


There is an old saying that "on the Internet, no one knows you are a dog." The great strength and weakness of online communication is the narrowness of the communication. In person, you have a great deal of information about a person: what they say, their vocal inflection, body language, pacing of speech, clothing, appearance, etc. Online, the communication is much more limited: words, sometimes pictures, voice if you choose to do so.

This means that the impression that you get of someone might not be entirely accurate. This is a problem if you eventually intend to meet them. I'm sure we've all heard the stories of people who meet and fall in love online then travel halfway around the world to discover the Prince Charming is not necessarily as charming as you thought. After all, no one leaves the toilet seat up or forgets to shower on the Internet.

On the other hand, if the relationship is purely online, what's wrong with an inaccurate picture? When you connect online, you bypass the physical form and connect directly, person to person. It doesn't matter what you look like or what you can do. The other person will often fill in the gaps with what they want to believe is true, and, often, what you might wish were true. I am not talking about being dishonest, just letting yourself believe what you want to believe.

Candy's case is a great example. In chat and talking by voice, her online dom could do things that he could not do in person because of his medical situation, but, for her, he could do things that most other doms could not do even able bodied and in person. In the unreality of the Internet, their connection could be more real than it could ever be in the harsh rigors of the "real" world.

Like many other things in the world of relationships, the answer to the question "what is best?" is "what is best for you?" Casanova would find online relationships entirely unfulfilling as he seeks physical connection. Someone looking to connect on an intellectual level who doesn't want to worry about physical issues and complications would find an online relationship delightfully fulfilling, connecting, and real.