Relationship Levels

As we have discussed in previous articles, there are many varieties of relationship style. There are also different levels of commitment in relationships. In this article, we will be discussing various levels of relationships. What follows is sampling of relationship levels, providing a rough framework. This is not an exhaustive list, and the specific terminology is not standardized. The purpose of this article is to make clear that there are a great variety of levels of commitment in relationships.

In this article, I will be referring to the Three Axis Model as discussed in this article.

Chew Toy (a.k.a. Hook-Up)
This term describes an extremely casual relationship which is purely on the Physical Axis. The partners are interested exclusively in physical contact and little else.

F*&%buddy (a.k.a. Acquaintance With Benefits)
This is a casual, sex-based relationship in which the participants have social contact and might even have a bit in common, but the main cohesive force of the relationship is sexual relations.

Friend with benefits
Similar to the above, but with a stronger element of the Friend Axis. This relationship has a sexual element, but the participants also get along well socially. The emotional (love) aspect is not present in any significant way. (See Friends With Benefits)


Casual Dating
This is similar to friends with benefits, but the objective is different. Generally friends with benefits relationships are not intended to develop into anything more serious. Casual dating, on the other hand, is intended as a test drive for a potentially more serious partner. One will often casually date multiple people in order to get a good idea of what they are looking for. (See The Lost Art of Casual Dating.)


Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Once one has selected a serious partner, they will move onto a more committed relationship. This usually starts with terms like girlfriend and boyfriend, and may progress to fiance/ee and, eventually, spouse. This is where we start moving into to more serious, three-axis relationships.


Primary
This is a polyamory term for the main relationship. Generally, this relationship is a serious, committed relationship. If it is necessary to choose between partners (e.g. one is moving across the country and the other is staying behind, what should you do?), the primary is generally chosen. The primary partner may also have some control over other relationships that their partner has.


Secondary
This is a polyamorous term for relationships beyond the primary relationship. These relationships can be every bit as serious as the primary relationship or they can be relatively casual. The important factor is that it is understood that  the primary relationship takes precedence over secondary relationships.

The Lost Art of Casual Dating

Suzie says: After a while of not being able to find good guys to date, I got on a dating site. It went great and now I've got guys falling out of the sky. I am curious to go out with all of them, but it doesn't seem right to do that. I am worried that they will get upset or even think I'm cheating on them.


Once upon a time, there a was this concept of "just dating." People would go out on dates, but not be considered to be a couple. This was a mechanism whereby people could get to know a variety of potential partners, learn more about what they themselves were looking for, and, hopefully, find a good match.

Sometime in the last thirty years, this concept fell out of fashion. Many people will go on a single date and immediately believe that they are in a "relationship". As a method for selecting a good partner with whom one can get along well with, this is slightly less effective than having your parents arrange a marriage for you. At least with arranged marriages, your parents shop around a bit and your potential partner is honor-bound to treat you well.

Suzie would be well advised to go on dates with all of the men that she meets (taking all reasonable safety precautions). It would boost her confidence to have so many men interested in wooing her. It would give her a good selection of men from whom to get a better idea of what she might be looking for.

The most important thing, going into this situation, that Suzie should keep in mind is that she is not in a race to find a partner before some deadline. Life is a journey, not a destination. She should enjoy the company of pleasant people, (and suffer the company of the rest.) Discover how many wonderful people are out there in the world. In the end, if Suzie finds a man that she particularly likes, she will know that she likes him because there are things about him that she really finds appealing, as opposed to liking him because he is the first man that she met who compares favorably to loneliness.

It is even acceptable to go on multiple dates with various people before committing to a relationship with one of them. This is how the process works. Suzie should consider, however, that although she knows that she intends to go on multiple dates before committing, the men she is seeing may not be thinking the same thing. She needs to make clear at the outset that they are not in an exclusive relationship, even if they end up getting more serious sexually, until they explicitly discuss taking things to the next level.


I know that the example used above is a woman seeking a man, but the same principles of casual dating to find a partner apply to any person seek to find another person with whom to form a serious, exclusive, romantic bond with.