Sunday, July 25, 2010

She Doesn't Know She's Out of Your League

I have been in the dating world for quite a few years, but it is only very recently that I discovered these very important key to meeting potential romantic partners. This article is specifically speaking to readers who are interested in meeting women. A later article will speak to the readers who are interested in meeting men, as the psychology is quite different.

Clark says: I have a lot of trouble meeting women. When I see a woman I might be interested in, I realize that she is way too attractive to have any interest in someone like me, so I save myself the embarrassment.

Clark's problem here is that he is making a common but incorrect assumption.

He is assuming that the object of his attentions thinks of herself as highly desirable.

This is a topic which I will go into in greater depth in later articles, but this is one way in which romance is different than most other human endeavors. Generally, when two people are trying to come together to make some kind of connection, be it a business partnership, a purchase, or an agreement, both partners usually have some idea of the value of what they bring to the table and what they seek to get out of the situation.

Romance is different for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that factors like desirability are highly subjective and difficult to measure. There are objective traits like height, measurements, hair color, etc, but there is no empirical formula for determining how attractive someone is from those metrics.

Consider Dan's story.

Dan says: I saw this woman at a social event, and she was gorgeous. Blond hair, great body, outgoing personality. I immediately assumed that she was out of my league, but she was new to the place and I had been around for a while, so I figured I'd be nice and introduce myself just to make her feel more comfortable. We talked and ended up making plans to hang out. After hanging out a few times, we ended up dating. Not only was she interested in me, but she had absolutely know idea that she was attractive. She didn't think that she was ugly, but the thought that she was out of anyone's league had never crossed her mind.

This happens more often than you would think. In fact, many stunningly attractive women find that they get less male attention than their more average looking friends. Why? Because most men apply the logic that John Nash suggests in the movie A Beautiful Mind, that they are more likely to be rejected by the more attractive woman so they might as well just go straight for the second choice to improve their chance for success.

A good objective measure of comeliness would seem to be attention from suitors, so the more attractive woman would think herself less attractive due to this peculiar effect. Of course, her friends who are getting the attention don't think themselves attractive either because they look at their stunning friend and think that they cannot possibly be as attractive as her either.

Add to this various other social pressures on women to think that they are not good enough, and the result is that most women greatly underestimate their own appeal. This is a very unfortunate societal trend, but much the of the cause of implications of this are beyond the scope of this publication.

So, gentle readers, what does all this mean to you? You have spotted a lady of interest to you and would like to approach her but think that she is too attractive to be interested in you. Here are some things to keep in mind: showing confidence, sincere appreciation, knowing your own strengths. Although this article is mostly about women, most of the advice below applies to both genders.

Showing Confidence
Want to improve your attractiveness without spending any money, without changing your clothes, and without having to spend any effort? You can do it! How? Stop worrying about if you are attractive or not. If you are insecure about yourself, people you are talking to can sense it, just like a wolf can smell fear.

Candy says: I know that I am the hottest girl in the world, but it doesn't matter. I approach a person I want with confidence which is better than being hot any day. I don't even understand why other people get stressed out about trying to pick someone up. I don't ask them if they want to get with me. I tell them, and they agree.

When Candy approaches a man or woman in whom she is interested, she expresses the confidence that she will be successful. The object of her affections feels that and often responds accordingly. Conversely, if you approach someone with doubt and apprehension, they will feel it. It's the difference between asking "Do you want to get together with me?" and "You don't want to get together with me, do you?"

Sincere Appreciation
If you have ever dealt with a very good salesman, then you may have noticed that they did a great deal to make you feel good about yourself: complementing your judgment, suggesting that you deserve what you want, and generally making you feel worthy of the best. In approaching your lady, you would do well to do the same, but be careful in doing so. Women are very used to false flattery. Stick strictly to the truth. Do not tell her that she has the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen unless she actually has the most beautiful eyes that you have ever seen.

Casanova says: The greatest tragedy is that the world is full of beautiful women who have been fooled by a society, which has no taste or class, into believing that they are not glorious creatures. Every woman I come together with, I help her to understand the great beauty and power that is hers.

Although Casanova DeMarko is not known for his ability (or desire) to sustain a relationship, most women he gets together with think well of him because he makes them feel good about themselves. He does not exaggerate or make false promises. He holds strictly to the truth and makes a woman feel, by his sincere attentions, like a work of art being admired.

Unless you have the natural confidence of Casanova, I would not recommend that you try his technique, but you can learn from him. Even awkwardly saying that you wanted to talk to her because she is really pretty, it will be flattering to her as long as you are sincere in what you say.
Know Your Own Strengths
Most people underestimate their own comeliness. This probably applies to the lady you are approaching, and it may apply to you as well. Here is an exercise for you. Take out a sheet of paper (or open Notepad if you prefer). At the top write "5 Attractive Traits". You can probably guess the next step. Write 5 or more attractive traits that you have. I mean the five best things about you that other people might notice. Not sure what to write? Think about what people have complimented about you. When people say "you look nice", they are being polite. When they say "you have beautiful eyes," they probably think you have beautiful eyes. Like your list? Go ahead and share it in the comments below.

Communicate your confidence. You may not get results like Candy and Casanova do, but you will be very pleased by the results, as will those you talk to.

Note: One might read this and conclude that I am suggesting that the only thing that is important about a woman is how she looks. This is not intended and is not what I believe. However, this article refers to a situation in which people know little more about each other beyond what they see on the surface. People, both men and women, are more than just their appearance, but appearance is often an important piece of first contact in a romantic context.

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