New Relationship Energy

A reader asked me to discuss the concept of New Relationship Energy.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) is the term for that exciting, euphoric feeling that comes with the start of a new relationship. It is sometimes referred to as infatuation as well. If you have been in a relationship, you have probably experienced it. You feel like this is the greatest person ever and nothing could ever go wrong. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing prettier, even the car horns in traffic sound more musical. Most love poetry and love songs are written about this phenomenon.

NRE has different and important implications in a monogamous or polyamorous context. In a monogamous context, the greatest challenge that NRE poses is the transition from the beginning of the relationship to the long haul. For polyamorous situations, NRE can cause issues for the previously existing relationships.

When a relationship first starts, everything seems perfect and like it will never change. This is a beautiful emotional state to be in, but a terrible state to make decisions in.

I love her so much, we'll be together forever, so why shouldn't I move across the country to be with her?


Ever heard something like that? NRE makes people do dumb things: committing to long term decisions based on short term emotional states. Like any other altered state of consciousness, it is important to consider when making decisions at the start of a relationship whether these decisions are based on good sound reason or ephemeral emotions?

The greatest test of many relationships is the transition out of the NRE phase. Since too many people mistake NRE for love, this leads many relationships to break up because they "fall out of love." The challenge for a relationship as it leaves the NRE phase and goes into the long term relationship phase is to move from a hot, boiling romance based on passion and emotion into a slow simmering, comfortable partnership based on shared life goals and common values. It's not as exciting as the endless possibilities of NRE, but it is the kind of stable, long term relationship that holds everything together.

Of course, the desire for that exciting, roaring passion often remains after the NRE fades. The temptation of this often leads many a monogamous partner to stray when things get "stale".

This would suggest that polyamory would solve this problem, giving the roaming partner an outlet for their desires. However, NRE in polyamory brings in a whole new array of concerns. The greatest danger when someone with existing relationships enters into a new relationship is the NRE. Suddenly, the existing, comfortable relationship with a person who is known, good parts and bad, is being compared to the beautiful example of perfection found in the eye of the smitten.

Those who are more experienced with polyamory and NRE understand that this is an altered state of consciousness, enjoy it but recognize it for what it is. Even if the person experiencing the NRE recognizes this, there is also the issue that the existing partner may worry that they are in danger of being replaced, especially if there are existing insecurities. After all, it is natural for one to want to spend a great deal of time with a new partner and to overlook their flaws. When dealing with a partner enjoying NRE, it is important to realize that it is a temporary condition and to be happy for them in their happiness. Trying to compete with the new partner will only force the comparison of old and new, which will never go well.

NRE is a wonderful and exciting emotion, but it is just that, an emotion. No more, no less. It's not a life changing event. It's not the beginning of eternal joy. Enjoy it but don't be carried away with it.

How Young is Too Young to Tell The Kids?

MyNameIsMaam from Fetlife asks:
How young is too young to tell your kids the details about your lifestyle?

The transition from childless to parent is a very challenging transition for people who live alternative lifestyles. In traditional lifestyles, there are many generations behind you that have done the exact same thing as you so nothing is new. However, if your lifestyle is different from those who have come before you, and especially if you family is not approving of your lifestyle, it can be a challenge to know how to merge the lifestyle and the proper raising of children.

Let us start with one basic fact that is often lost on our modern American culture. Kids are smart and kids a resilient. They know what is right and wrong based on what their parents teach them. In other words, kids will be able to understand and process what you tell them as long as you portray it as an acceptable thing.

So before we go on to how to present your lifestyle to your children, let's talk about how you present your lifestyle to yourself. Is it something that you are ashamed of or is it something that you know is morally and ethically acceptable even if others may not accept it? If you are morally conflicted about your lifestyle, that will come across when you discuss it with your children or anyone else. Before you should consider talking to your children, you should get right with yourself. If you feel that your lifestyle is immoral or unethical, you either need to reconsider your moral frame work under which you consider your lifestyle, or you need to change your lifestyle. To do anything else would make you a hypocrite.

If you are leading a moral and ethical lifestyle, even if it is non-traditional, you will find explaining your lifestyle to your children much easier. After all, how can you explain something to be acceptable if you don't even think it is?

As to the original question, I believe in openness and honesty in all things within bounds of propriety. Think back and ask yourself, when did you parents tell you the details of their lifestyle? You probably cannot remember because there was no specific moment. Or, perhaps, you asked a question which they answered with the explanation of how marriage worked.

If you don't make it a big deal, the kids won't think it's a big deal. Don't sit them down and have a big talk. This makes is awkward for you and traumatic for them. The easiest guide is to answer their questions openly and honestly. Children are not born monogamous or vanilla. They learn these things like anything else, and like anything else you want to teach your children, use teachable moments to teach these things as well.

Emily Says: When I was in preschool, I told my mom that I wanted to marry my best male friend and my best female friend. She took that opportunity to explain bisexuality to me, explaining that some people are attracted to men and some attracted to women and some attracted to both and that there is nothing wrong with any of these lifestyles.

You don't need to go into great detail about what you do personally. If you are polyamorous, you might explain what polyamory is in general, using explanations and examples. However, when discussing your personal situation, they don't need to know more than "I am involved with Bob and Suzy who are not involved with each other." They don't need to know what you do with Bob and Suzy behind closed doors. They neither need to nor want to know what you do with a rubber chicken, surgical tubing, or that thing that goes bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Just think of what your parents told you and apply that same level of detail to your lifestyle.

So, the short answer to the question is that the right age to tell the kids is the age when they start asking questions. Most importantly...

Do not ever ever ever lie to your children

Your children trust you and are building their entire moral framework based on your teachings. If you lie to them, even once, you can break that trust. If you tell them that the proper way for people to have relationships is monogamy and tell them 10 years later that you have been polyamorous for their entire lives, they will feel deeply betrayed. They will wonder what else you have lied about and be forced to reexamine everything that you have ever taught them.

I know that my lifestyle is moral, and my children will understand that as well, but what about the rest of the world? Ex-husbands and ex-wives, child protective services and teachers and the rest? How can I tell my child that everything I do is okay but at the same time ask them to lie to the outside world?

If you are reading this blog, you are probably smarter than the average bear. Hopefully your kids are as well. We all have things that we tell the public and things that we do not. It's not that the things that we hide from the public are wrong, it's simply that the public would not understand. And, frankly, if you have smart kids, it's not a hard sell that most of the public is kind of dumb and would not understand anything more complex than what is on Jerry Springer, so why draw unwanted attention to our perfectly moral family by confusing the poor, ignorant minds of the public?

Coming Out to Family, Do They Need To Know

Many people find the holidays a stressful time, with holiday shopping and cooking and making plans to travel. For people who live alternative lifestyles it can be even more stressful. Perhaps there is a part of your lifestyle that your parents do not know about and would not approve of. Maybe they know and are openly judgmental. As the holidays approach and people go home to visit family, many people wonder if they should come out to their family.

Many people have this idea that they want to be able to tell their parents anything and everything. Some feel that they already do. If you already tell your parents everything, then there is nothing to come out about. You already told them.

If you haven't, the question is: should you? Do they need to know? If you are gay, that is something that they probably need to know. If they expect you to come home for Christmas with Eve and you bring Steve instead, they are probably going to figure out that something non-traditional is going on.

However, what about being poly or kinky? Let us address each question separately.

For many in the kink scene, it is more than a sexual proclivity, it is a community and a lifestyle. You may go to munches and have many friends you met through the scene. Your main hobbies may be scene related like rope or building rigging equipment. Obviously, the judgment of whether you should or should not come out is entirely up to you, but consider this question, does any part of this lifestyle affect your family at all. If you are only kinky in the bedroom, I would suggest that there is no reason for your family to know. You don't know what your family does in their bedrooms and you are likely happier for the lack of knowledge. Why would they what to know what you do with a rubber chicken suit and a seventy feet of silk rope in your private time? Of course, if your full time profession is making sex toys it might be good to let them in on the secret. Otherwise, simple conversations like, "how's work going, honey?" could get quite awkward.

When it comes to coming out as poly, it is a similar issue. Do they need to know? Does it affect them? This would largely depend on the nature of the polyamory that you practice. If you have a primary and a few friends with benefits, this probably falls into the kind of behind closed bedroom doors information that you family does not want to know. On the other hand, if you have two primaries who are both equally important, then you might want to explain ahead of time why you are bringing both Eve and Steve home for Christmas.

Should you decide that coming out is the right choice for you and your family, I offer two pieces of advice. Don't make it a bigger deal than it really is, and find common ground.

When I say not to make it a bigger deal than it really is, I mean that if you don't make a big deal of it, they may not either. Don't preface your explanation something like this, "Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something and I'm not sure how you'll react. I know that you always raised me to be a moral and proper person, and I hope that you approve of what I'm about to tell you but I'm not sure if you will..." That's how you introduce a confession of guilt. You should not be guilty about your lifestyle, and, if you are, you should get straight with your own morality before you go dragging your family into it. Rather, introduce the concept with confidence. If you act like there's nothing wrong with it, no one else will have a reason to think so either.

Second, find a way to explain the concept so that others can understand it. You're not coming out as a martian. We all have the same psychological needs, and we all fulfill them in similar ways. Your way might just be slightly less common than theirs. Also, it is important to understand that your family may have difficulty understanding exactly what you are saying. They may have pre-existing notions from television or other media which may be completely inaccurate to your situation. Understand that their questions are likely not meant as judgments, just as a way to gain better understanding. Unless your parents are quite disturbed, they probably have your best interests in mind and want to make sure that you are making right choices to be safe and happy.

Candy Says: I once had a very interesting discussion with a friend's grandfather about bisexuality. He asked all kinds of questions. Turns out he had no problem with homosexuality but he only knew gay and straight and was confused by bisexuality. He asked, "How do you decide which one you are? Do you flip a coin every morning?" It wasn't meant to be offensive at all. It was just the best question he could think of with the background he had.

Let's also remember that if you haven't come out to them, they haven't come out to you. For all you know, you might not be the only poly or kinky person in your family. Wouldn't it be a kick if you came out and some family member said "yeah, me too."

Whether you are out to your family, completely closeted, or about to come out this weekend, I wish you the very best holiday.

Uncoupling: Separating Marriage, Sex, and Child-Rearing

Conservatives will tell you that the advent of reliable birth control redefined sexual morality. They are entirely correct, although I would not agree with the implications of their statement. Sexual morality prior to reliable birth control was built around creating a social structure in which children would be raised in a stable family situation because it has been understood since time immemorial that children are best raised in a family of some kind, thus the premium placed on virginity traditionally.

With the advent of reliable birth control, it became possible to have sex with a minimal chance of unintended pregnancy. Suddenly, the groundwork was laid for a sexual revolution in the 1960's, when a new generation discovered that the traditional reasons to avoid premarital sex no longer existed. The concept of withholding sex until marriage was no longer as vital as it had been.

As feminism increased equality, allowing women to enter lucrative careers where they could support themselves, the need to marry for economic stability almost completely left the picture. No longer would a woman need to preserve her "virtue" to trade for economic support, as she could now support herself.

This progression opened up a vast variety of lifestyle options. With sex no longer leading to parenthood, people could have satisfying sexual relationships without them needing to provide economic support necessary to take care of children. The stability of a monogamous relationship, traditionally needed to support the family unit, is no longer necessary for many people who do not want children.

Interestingly, this same social progression has led many people to believe that marriage is no longer even necessary for raising children. In my work, meeting with parents, I find that less than 20% of the parents I meet are married to the parent of their child. Single parenting is no longer shameful, as it was in previous generations. In fact, it is not even seen as irregular.

As marriage ceases to be the norm, people feel less social obligation to take care of spouses and remain committed their relationships. As many act less trust-worthy, many choose not to trust. Expecting that they will eventually be abandoned, many people chose to develop their own independence, financial and others.

The traditional American family is no longer. The future which conservatives fear is here, and it happened long before gay marriage was legalized. Yet, even with all these fundamental social changes, society goes on, the farmers still farm, the sun still rises and sets, and chaos does not reign. We live in uncharted territory, and most of us have lived in for our entire lives.

But She's Your Wife? What Happens Next in Polyamory

I have explained polyamory for the first time to many people, and most of them have accepted it. They understand the idea of sharing and see the benefit of not expecting one person to do everything and even see how jealousy could be managed. At some point in the conversation, there is often some question like "but they stop doing this when they get married, right?"

A friend of mine is engaged, and he and his fiancee live with his other partner. People sometimes ask what the other partner will do when they get married. His answer is usually something like "get dressed up and come to the wedding." They have no intention on changing any part of their lifestyle when they become legally married.

In our modern culture with 72 day marriages and 50% divorce rates, many people, especially those who have never been married, often hold this lofty ideal of marriage as some kind of magical and eternal bond between two people. It is thought that somehow everything changes, and, if it is the right couple who really love each other, love will conquer all.

Poppycock!

If a person is inclined to polyamory before marriage, they would be inclined to polyamory afterwards. Marriage is a legal institution, which is very important for the benefits it conveys to the couple engaged in it, especially where children are involved. However, it does not turn someone into a different person.

The main reason that so many people learning about polyamory for the first time get so confused by polyamorous married people is the context in which they understand polyamory. Most mainstream Americans can pretty easily understand the idea of serial monogamy: being single and meeting a new person fairly often, having some fun with them, and moving on to the next. They can also well understand the concept of a relationship, which conveys the benefits of an ongoing connection and stability but comes with the trade-off of not being able to see other people.

To them, polyamory is a hybridization of these two concepts. The benefits of an ongoing relationship without the trade-off of exclusivity. However, this only makes sense to them for a more casual relationship: the kind of relationship that has emotional attachment but lacks the lifelong commitment of marriage or even engagement. It is in the casual nature of the relationship that it makes sense to be open to seeing other people.

There are certainly people who practice polyamory in this way. They are polyamorous until they get into a serious relationship with the right person. This makes a great deal of sense for them. Why be exclusive to a relationship which does not and is not expected to provide for all emotional and physical needs?

In this kind of relationship, it is very important that it is made very clear that any secondary relationships exist only so long as the primary relationship does not become too serious. Any secondaries involved need to emotionally prepare themselves for the time when the primary relationship will grow to exclude all others. This situation will naturally place a limit on how serous any secondary relationship can be.

The very dangerous situation to watch out for in this structure is that in which the secondary relationship does become more serious. It creates a zero-sum game situation in which the primary relationship getting stronger threatens the secondary and the secondary getting stronger limits the primary.

If you are thinking of structuring your primary relationship in this way, there is nothing wrong that that, but I would highly recommend that you keep your secondary relationships to more casual, friends-with-benefits relationships. The alternative of more serious secondary relationships is setting everyone up for a contentious and dramatic future.

Introduction to Creating Poly Rules

Suzie asks: My boyfriend and I have decided to make our relationship polyamorous. We are negotiating the rules, and I was wondering if there are any rules that are particularly important.


This is a tricky question. It is like asking what size dress you should buy. You should buy the dress that is the right size for you. I know, not the most helpful answer. The rules that work for one couple could be disastrous for another, so instead of suggesting specific rules, here are some guidelines for a process to develop rules.

Open and Honest Communication
The first and most important thing is open and honest communication at all times, especially when negotiating rules. If you are not comfortable with something, you need to say so immediately. If it is uncomfortable in theory, it's not going to get any better when it moves into practice. Generally, adding restrictions in negotiation are not too difficult. Trying to add restrictions after an outside relationship has begun is like trying to squeeze toothpaste back into a tube.

Reciprocity and Fairness
A common fallacy is that rules must be reciprocal. This is not true. They must be fair, but they do not have to be the same. Imagine a couple who we'll call Alice and Bob. Alice is more concerned about sexual health and Bob is more concerned about emotional issues. Having different concerns, they would need different rules to address their needs.

Alice might require that each new partner bob has must be tested for STDs before he sleeps with them and every 4 months after. She is less concerned that they will steal his heart than that they will rot his crotch.

Bob, on the other hand, finds condoms and regular testing to be sufficient for sexual safety, but, because of some bad experiences in the past, he is afraid that Alice's other lovers might try to steal her away for their own. Thus, he would not need regular accounting of sexual health, but he might want to meet and get to know any potential lover of Alice's before she takes up with them.

Common Rules
Having told you that there are no universal rules, I will go back and provide some examples of rules commonly found in poly relationships.

Notification: Most couples require some type of notification of extra-curricular activities. For some this means that permission must be obtained before doing anything. For others, this simply means that it should be mentioned when it is convenient after the fact.

Veto: This is a more controversial concept. Some couples swear by it, others swear at it. The veto concept is  that the primary partner can veto a secondary partner. Usually the veto can only be used when a new secondary relationship is starting, although there are some couples where the primary can veto at any time. An entire article could be written on this concept alone.

Sexual Health: Most couples have some rules relating to sexual health such as requiring the use of latex barriers or new partners being tested before taking up with a primary partner. This is usually based on the comfort and concern levels of the primary partners as well as the style of relationship one has. This becomes more important is more swinger-type relationships than in more poly-fidelitous relationships with far fewer partners.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open
You will see this word a lot: "communication". You can't just set rules and leave them. Things change over time. Comfort levels change; people become more or less comfortable. While the rules are negotiated in full at the start, it is important to periodically revisit them and make sure that they meet the needs of all parties involved.

As always, this is just a brief overview with some general concepts, rather than a comprehensive study of poly rules. Your mileage may vary.

What Marriage is Really About

Going against the conventional wisdom, a study published last year says that couples who cohabitate before marriage are actually more likely to divorce than those who do not. Being logical and rational folks, we have the idea that we should try something out before committing to it. We test drive a car before buying it. We read a couple of pages of a book we are thinking of getting. What if, however, that attitude, rather than keeping us out of undesirable relationships, actually causes our marriages not to last.

Rationality is all well and good, but it is a double edged sword. Too often, we apply a seemingly rational process to a situation. We then pursue the result that we find with absolute confidence. After all, we reached the decision rationally. What if the process was flawed?

When heading towards marriage, many people believe that they know what they want. They might want a person with a good income, a good heart, or a good sense of humor. Perhaps they want love, attention, and passion. Marriage, however, is not about any of those specific things. Marriage is about a lifelong commitment between two people. Two becoming one. Of course, this does not appeal to us Americans. We are rocks! We are islands! We need no one else and can do everything on our own.

If you are truly an island, don't get married. You don't need to, and you will eventually divorce, finding the situation too confining for too little benefit. If you are a mortal like the rest of us, however, understand that the true value of marriage is having someone in your life whose destiny is tied to yours. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, two people are joined, sharing dreams, aspirations, and defeats, but always knowing that their partner is there for them on their side.

You cannot trade up from this situation. Perhaps you have been married for a long time and your spouse is showing their age a bit. You think that maybe you can do younger with a younger person. Even if this new person is everything that you could ever dream of, there is something that this younger person will never be able to offer you: the relationship that has grown through decades of sharing with and depending on each other.

The strength and value of marriage is in the connection. It is that simple and that complicated.