Three Axis Model of Relationship Structure

Gramatical note: 'Axes' as used here is the plural of 'axis', not 'axe'. Crazy English and it's redundant spellings. In case you are curious 'axises' is the plural of a 'axis', a type of deer found in Asia.

There are a wide variety of relationships that any pair of people can have: friends, lovers, romantic partners, friends with benefits, and many others. Often, there is even confusion between partners as to the exact nature of their relationship, such as when one person thinks that they are dating and the other thinks that they are just friends with benefits.

I look at relationships on three axes: connection (friendship), love, and physical (sexual), as show below:

Each of the relationship types that I put in the various zones are meant to be examples, not an exhaustive list of relationship types.

The point of this model is that it gives us a way to look at a relationship in order to get a more solid idea of what the relationship really is and what to expect from it. Often times, a relationship is only considered from the standpoint of two axes, which can create misunderstandings.

The Connection Axis refers to attributes of the relationship which make good friends: interests in common, ability to hold good conversations, comfort together, etc.

The Love Axis is the affection, emotional connection. If this axis is strong then each partner will want to place the needs of the other person before their own, be happy in the other's happiness on a gut level.

The Physical Axis is the simplest to understand. It is the physical connection. Unfortunately, it is often mistaken for love. Two people will be tremendously physically compatible which leads to passionate feelings, but the feelings are only about the physical connection, not the emotional.

Suzie says: I was seeing this guy, and I really thought it was going somewhere. The sex was really mindblowing, and I felt that we had a deep connection and would talk for hours. Turns out that he thought we were just a casual thing. I was heartbroken.


In Suzie's relationship, there was plenty of physical and some connection, but the love element was not there. They were really just friends with benefits. Suzie felt the physical connection and the friend connection, and mistook it for an emotional connection because she was not looking at all three axes separately.

When considering a relationship, one should consider how it lies on all three axes, and make sure that both partners agree on what type of relationship this is. The model of connection, love, and physical gives you a framework in which to discuss the relationship and what both parties might expect in it.

Being a model, it is highly abstract. It is meant to be the beginning of a conversation, not the end.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

This is a common question asked of advice columnists, so I thought it a good one to tackle. Since the scope of Smart Love is quite a bit wider than that of a traditional advice column, so our take here is a little different than some others you might have read.

Joe says: Guys and girls can't ever really just be friends. There's always that attraction there, and you just can't get around that.


I agree with Joe's supposition, but not his conclusion. When men and women come together, there is often attraction, assuming both are straight, but this does not mean that they will invariably be overcome with passion, and, will, at some point, when the music crescendos, tear away each other's clothes and finally give into their desires. (Yet another way movies have mislead us.)

When men and women are friends, there is often attraction, perhaps some passing sexual thought. There could even be fantasy. However, most people have desire for a great many things that they will never have, and, in the light of cool reason, never want. People also may have desires of their friends that are not sexual.

Dan says: For a while I sold life insurance, and when I did, anyone I met was a potential customer. My friends were all potential customers, but I had to be very careful with that desire if I wanted to keep having friends.


People can have all kinds of desires of their friends, sexual and otherwise. It is all a question of what they do about those desires. If Dan had tried to sell insurance at every encounter, it would have created awkwardness.

Certainly, some friendships blossom into romance. The most important part of a primary or exclusive romantic relationship is the friendship that underlies it. If the couple does not enjoy each other outside the bedroom, they will rapidly tire of each other.

One should also consider the case of bisexual men and women. If it were impossible for people of compatible sexual orientations to be friends, bisexuals would lead very lonely lives.

Ex's as Friends


Casanova says: One of my best friends is a woman. We met as I meet most women, in a manner which found us in bed together the next morning. I am not much for long term relationships, but we had both enjoyed our experience together and found each other agreeable. We are good friends to this day, and sexual tension is not an issue because, if we find it building up, we just give into it, and go back to being friends afterwards.


Candy says: I dated and even lived with this guy for a while. We eventually broke up because we just were not compatible as a couple. It took a few months to get over it, but after that, we were able to be friends again. All the things that had brought us together were still there, the common interests, the shared stories, but we knew that that was where the real connection was, not romantic.


If the break up is not too catastrophic, ex's can be some of the best friends. They know each other well, and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses in a way that no one else does. Most importantly, the sexual tension is often discharged. They have ridden that ride and may not feel any particular need to ride it again.

Friends with Benefits
What if one does sleep with a friend? In the movies, they have an existential crisis because, in movie land, every sexual encounter is either with a stranger who is never seen again or with a person who is destined to become a marital partner.

Thankfully, in real life, things are more complex. Call it 'friends with benefits', 'Um-friends', or 'f***buddies'. It's all another way to refer to someone with whom one has a friendly relationship and also a physical relationship but not a romantic relationship. For people who can do this, the answer to the question of men and women as friends is a no-brainer. Of course, they can be friends. Sometimes they sleep together.

Before you try this, however, there are a few things to consider. At some point, your friends with benefits will want to get with someone else because a friends with benefits situation is usually not fully satisfying to most people. This may mean that the physical aspect of your relationship will have to end or it may mean that you will have to share, depending on the situation.

You need to know yourself well enough to know if you are willing to accept this, and you need to be honest with yourself as to whether or not you can deal with it. If you get into this situation, and you develop more serious feelings than you expected, unexpected disappointment, jealousy, and even anger may destroy the friendship.

Expectations
Suzie says: I was friends with this guy. He said he just wanted to be friends, but then I found out he wanted to sleep with me. I was so pissed. I felt like he was taking advantage of our friendship.


Suzie's situation is a common one. However, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that, if Suzie is an attractive woman, most of her male friends have at least entertained the thought of taking the relationship to a physical level. Perhaps it is a passing thought or perhaps it is a thought with deep intention behind it.

Suzie might be justified in feeling upset if the man had entered the friendship on false pretenses. If he swore that he only wanted friendship but was doing so in order to get close enough to get her into bed and was not really interested in the friendship, then that is some sketchy territory. On the other hand, if the friendship is legitimate, but there is some attraction involved, it is not betrayal. It is simply human nature.


Can men and women be friends? Yes, but, like in most other situations, one must be honest with themselves and everyone else involved.

No – A Short Word With A Complex Meaning

I am sure that you have heard the saying “No means No.” To some people, it is a pretty simple concept: if a woman says no in bed, the man should just stop. In the real world, unfortunately, things are often more complicated.

Jenny says: 'No' means 'no'. It's as simple as that. Anyone with an IQ over 12 should be able to understand it. If a woman says 'no', just stop. That's the end of it.

Joe says: Sure, sometimes 'no' means 'no', but, really, if every man who ever heard 'no' stopped immediately, the human race would simply cease to procreate. I stop if I get a good firm 'no', but with a soft 'no', that's just her saying I need to try harder.

This is a very complex situation for many reasons, but two of the keys are a pair of social pressures placed on women. One pressure is the need not to seem 'easy'. The other is the need to please.

Many women will put up false resistance to show that they are not easy, that they are not sluts. They will give soft no's, with the expectation that they will be 'convinced' to change their no to a yes. This can be cute and playful, but it gives men a very confused idea of what 'no' really means. This creates beliefs like those that Joe hold.

As girls, many women are taught to be agreeable, that it is their job to please and serve and not disagree. This can make it very difficult to give a firm 'no', like the one that Joe is looking for. For some, they are so conditioned to please, that they will change their 'no' to a 'yes', even if they would rather not have sex, just to please their partner. In some such cases, the partner will actually think that she wanted to go ahead, even though she really did not. In some cases, a woman may even feel that she was raped in such a situation, believing that her consent was coerced by social pressure.

As they said in Cool Hand Luke, What we have here is a failure to communicate. Fortunately, there is something that we can all do about this.

First, let us clear up a myth. Most people know the truth about this, but I just wanted to touch on it. You may have heard of a condition called Blue Balls. It almost never happens. Ladies, getting a man excited and not getting him off may get you a frustrated man, but it will not get you a trip to the emergency room. Also, remember, there is more than one way to get a guy off, as I discussed in this article. (Gentlemen, this is a two way street. If you are getting, you better me giving if you would like to be getting again the in the future.)

Dan says: For years, I thought that 'no' was something that could be negotiated. I felt that if she really meant 'no', she would say so clearly. At times, I would find women upset with me after the fact, even though they had agreed to everything we had done. Then, I decided that it was not worth it. If she said 'no', I'd just accept it and be patient. A remarkable thing happened. When I did this, some of the women who initially said 'no' relaxed and became more comfortable, eventually saying 'yes', but without any convincing from me. They were comfortable with their decision, and I got what I was hoping for by not pushing for it.

To men, as well as women who might encounter a 'no' in the bedroom, remember that many women have been taught that it is rude to say 'no'. They do not want to be seen as frigid or a tease. Furthermore, sometimes, a woman is physically aroused, and she desires to say 'yes', but she does not want to for one reason or another. Her physical desire is a minority shareholder in the decision making process, and it is a poor idea to try to stoke that fire against her better judgment. Tomorrow morning, the fires of passion will have gone out, but the rational reasons why she wanted to say 'no' will still remain. You may have gotten her to say 'yes', but at what cost?

A man are also well advised to check in periodically, asking if what he is doing is alright, especially if he is with a new partner. Some people will want to stop but may not be comfortable asserting themselves enough to say something. Even if this is not the case, checking in is always a good thing to do anyway. You never know what interesting thing you may learn.

Dominick says: I always try to check in, but I hate playing the 'what does that mean?' game. When I am with a woman who is ambiguous, I will usually call things off because I would much rather not play that play and discover later that she consented but didn't really want to.

To women, as well as men who might want to say 'no' but are not comfortable saying so, it is important to understand that, while your partner might be disappointed to hear you say 'no', he is much happier to get a clear, unambiguous 'no' then to find out after the fact that he made you do something that you did not want to do. No one (at least no one of good moral character) wants to force their partner against their will, and no one wants to have to second guess what a no really means, so if you mean 'no', say 'no' and stick to 'no'.

Emily says: A valuable concept that I realized when I got into the kink world was that of safewords. In the kink community, a safeword is a hard and immediate 'no'.

In kink, especially BDSM, people will generally have a safeword that they can use to pause or stop a scene because something is uncomfortable or uncomfortable/dangerous. Such a concept would work well in this situation. One of the problems that comes up with misunderstood 'no' is that the situation does not pause. The pressure stays on, and there is not a moment to step back and think about if you are doing the right thing. In some communities, the word 'red' is used as a general safeword to completely stop the scene. 'Red' means stop everything, step away, all-stop. Being able to do this would create the space to make clear what everyone's needs are.

This works better in an ongoing relationship where there is already an established safeword, but even if a safeword has not been established there are common words that could be used to do the same thing. 'Stop', 'pause', 'hold', and 'wait' are all words that could be used to jar a seduction to a stop to make sure that everyone is comfortable with things. 'Pikachu' is also a very effective safeword to bring things to a stop.

This is one of the most important cases of the need for clear communication. Ideally, a couple will discuss things ahead of time, talking about limits and what they are willing to do. This is the best way to avoid ambiguous situations. Of course, this is not always what happens in the real world, but it is still better to communicate clearly now than end up in a regrettable situation later.

What Monogamists Can Learn From Polyamorists

This article is the third in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. The first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. The third discusses and defines various terms. This fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.




The good part of practicing the mainstream, monogamous concept of relationships is that most people you meet engage in the same kind of relationships that you do. You can go to your grandmother for dating advice and be relatively sure that she can at least relate with your situation.


On the other hand, when you think that there are centuries of knowledge behind what you are doing, you are less likely to think critically about your relationships and how you conduct them. This is where monogamous people can learn a great deal from those who practice polyamory.


The polyamorous community has had to blaze their own trail. Because there is no norm, it is accepted that every polyamorous situation is different and requires individual evaluation. With thousands of people practicing polyamory, many valuable lessons have been learned. Presented here are a few of those learnings which monogamists can learn from.


You Are Unique, Your Relationship Should Be Too
Even if you are monogamous, vanilla, and 'normal' as they come, you and your partner are unique people with unique expectations, unique needs, unique desires. In polyamory, it is understood that nothing can go unsaid in such a complex arrangement. In monogamy, people can get away with not discussing everything, but they do so at their own peril. Nothing actually "goes without saying."


Maybe one partner thinks that leaving dishes in the sink to wash them later is no big deal and the other thinks it is the height of slobbery. Neither partner is wrong here, but if they do not discuss it, both partners are wrong, and conflict is preordained. This applies to everything from the definition of cheating to issues around the house to sex to entertainment preferences and basic conversation.

Suzie says: I was dating this guy and I discovered all this porn on his computer. He was jerkin' it to cyber girls when he was with me. I was so pissed! Who does that? Why would he do that when he had a real life girl?

In Suzie's situation, her boyfriend did not think that porn was a problem. To his mind, it was just pictures. There was no connection. They were hardly real people to him, so how could it be infidelity? To her, all things sexual were in the domain of the relationship. By getting sexual gratification from the images on the screen, he was cheating on her. Neither one is wrong, which means that both partners need to talk about it and come to agreement on what they are both comfortable with.


When in doubt talk about it. Follow the first three rules of polyamory:
Rule #1. Communicate
Rule #2. Communicate
Rule #3. Communicate


All Emotions Are Valid, But Not All Responses Are Acceptable
In polyamory, jealousy is a common issue. It is natural and expected. People in polyamorous relationships have learned that they need to be able to speak openly about their emotional needs or else jealousy will quickly overwhelm the relationship.


In monogamy, jealousy is, hopefully, less of an issue, but there are other emotions which will come up which need to be acknowledged and faced in some way. Examples of such emotions are: dissatisfaction with some aspect of the relationship, attraction to another person, and frustration about some aspect of the other partner.


Some of the conventional wisdom will tell you to keep it to yourself. If this is a casual relationship that you do not care much about, follow this advice. If this is someone you care about and hope that you might spend the rest of your life with, it is terrible advice. For a strong relationship, you need to be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about what you feel. You also need to be willing to listen, without judgement, to what your partner feels.


If you find that you are attracted to that guy at the gym, you want to be able to tell your partner. It's not that you would like to leave him for Mr. Muscles, but you are attracted. That's just how it is. You love your partner and would rather be with him than Mr. Muscles any day, but trying to repress that attraction causes stress and will only serve to make it worse, like picking a scab. If you can get it out in the open, you can move past it.


Not Everyone Defines Cheating the Same Way
In polyamory, one is generally allowed to be involved with other partners, but there are still rules. Perhaps a partner needs to be approved by the present partner. Perhaps one can have sex with a partner but must use a latex barrier. One should never assume that they know what their partner is comfortable with until they have discussed it.


Dan says: I dated a woman who was not comfortable with me having outside relationships. However, as we talked about it, it turned out that her main concern was safety regarding STDs. I didn't really feel a great need to have sex with other women, but I enjoy the thrill of going out to a club and meeting and fooling around with new people from time to time. We agreed that I could make out with girls at the club. I got what I wanted, and she was perfectly comfortable with the arrangement herself.


In monogamy, one is not allowed to have sex with another person. That is generally understood, but where is the line where it becomes inappropriate? Some people are monogamous, but, like in Dan's story, go to night clubs and make out with some pretty people before returning home to their monogamous relationship. They have agreed to it, so it is okay. Some people think flirting and cybersex online is cheating. Others think it is harmless fun. Some people even think that lusting in your heart is cheating. Wherever the line is in a relationship is valid as long a it is established by mutual agreement, not some vague understanding of what "everyone knows".


There is no wrong answer, but the only right answer is the one that both partners agree on. Some people get it into their heads that there is a proper way to have a relationship. This is hogwash. Your relationship is your own. Discuss with your partner what you are and are not comfortable with before it comes up, and you will both be happy.




You may see a theme here. It starts with 'C' and rhymes with 'Flumunication'. If you learn only one thing from Smart Love, learn this: nothing goes without saying, everything is worth talking about openly, honestly, and with love.

Relationship Forms and Styles

This article is the third in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. The first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. This third discusses and defines various terms. The fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.

Click here for full sized  image

There is a wide variety of relationship styles. The Venn diagram above shows a few of the more common concepts. The shapes are not to any particular scale. The sizes of the various circles are based on what I needed to fit inside them rather than any kind of population proportion.


Emily says: When I was monogamous, I was never comfortable with that relationship form, but, not realizing that there were any other options, I just assumed that there was something wrong with me.


Too many people believe that there is only one way to have a relationship. For some people it works, but for others, it does not. I happen to like steak, but if I were to open a restaurant, I would serve more than steak. Some people like it, others do not, yet others are allergic to it or have religious prohibitions against eating it.


It is the same with relationships. Different forms work better for different people. All are valid. It is simply a matter of figuring out what works for you. Below, we will discuss the various styles shown on the chart above. It is not an exhaustive list, and there are many overlaps from one style to another. Ultimately, remember, it is all about what works for the person involved. As long as people are being open, honest, and caring, they will probably end up on the right track..


Before discussing the forms, I would like to discuss the concept of a Relationship Contract


Relationship Contract
Every relationship has a relationship contract. This can be explicit or implicit, but, as a concept, it describes the expectations, limits, and rules under which the relationship functions. This will be discussed in much greater detail in a later article, but I wanted to explain it briefly because it is a very important concept for understanding many relationship forms.



Monogamy
Monogamy is the relationship style that most people in America practice. It is based on the concept that two people form a bond, ultimately seeking a permanent bond, in order to share their lives.

Candy says: I met a guy who told me that he was polyamorous until he found the right person. Sorry, dude. We call that single.


Single - Casual Dating
Many monogamous people will engage in casual dating. This is a matter of going out with various people. For some, this is a process designed to find a partner that they would like to get more serious with. For others, it is simply a way to play the field and satisfy their physical needs. This is one of the relationship forms that most often results in conflict, as people almost never discuss the relationship contract in play leading to various people having very different expectations of where a relationship is headed and the amount of communication that is appropriate.


Exclusive Relationship
This is the form of relationship that most of us are most familiar with. Two people have a relationship with only each other with the ultimate goal of forming a strong enough relationship to lead to engagement and marriage, children, etc. Even within this relationship form, there are variations. Some people believe that a couple should do everything together. Others think that it is good to have entire segments of their lives that are separate. Some feel that fidelity is a matter only of physical action, i.e. not touching other people. Others feel that fidelity is a matter of thought as well as action (e.g. Jimmy Carter sinning in his heart). Even though this is the "default" relationship form, one should not take for granted the need to communicate about expectations. Any statement that starts with "Everybody knows that...." is usually the start of or explanation for an argument.

Open LDR (Long Distance Relationship)
This is a common situation in the monogamous world where the principles of an open relationship will come into play. Acknowledging physical and emotional needs, a couple separated by great distance may decide that they can pursue casual relationships with local partners under certain restrictions. Sometimes this is a good stopgap solution for a temporary separation. Sometimes this leads to jealousy and conflict. As in any relationship, communication is key. As in any open relationship it is crucial that both partners be honest about their feelings, concerns, and jealousies, both with their partner and, more importantly, with themselves.

Open Relationships

An open relationship is any significant relationship in which one or all partners are allowed to have outside relationships of some kind within the bounds of the relationship contract.

Swinging

This is the most free-flowing form of open relationships. Partners will engage in casual sexual contact with other people, but will not form serious relationships with them. This is a more comfortable form of open relationship for some because they do not have issues with their partner sharing their body with another person as long as they do not share their heart.

Polyamory

Polyamory is a neologism which literally means "many loves." In a polyamorous relationship, the participants may have emotional relationships with others. There are many different forms that this takes in application. In some relationships, new partners must be approved by other partners. Some people are allowed to have emotional relationships but are limited in physical activities. Others can do anything physically, but there are limits on emotional attachments. The key difference between swinging and polyamory is that swingers only engage in casual sex outside the relationship, while one who is polyamorous may develop deeper emotional relationships.

Primary/Secondary Polyamory (Hierarchical Polyamory)

In Hierarchical polyamory, some relationships are considered to be more significant than others. For example, a married couple in an open marriage could be considered to be hierarchical. The partners may have relationships with other people, but ultimately, the spouse comes first. It is in these situations where it is more common to find veto arrangements, where one's partner may approve or reject a potential secondary relationship. 

Non-Heirarctical Poly

Although philosophically very different, structurally, this relationship style is similar to what single monogamous  folks do. People develop relationships, generally dating as they like, although sometimes there are rules and limits placed from existing relationships. The key philosophical difference between this and single monogamous is that polyamorous people generally feel an obligation to their partners and their needs and 

concerns, while casual dating tends to have more of a caveat emptor approach. Of course, this is not true for everyone in either case, but it is the general trend.

Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity is a relationship structure in which multiple partners form a committed group relationship. This can be an exclusive arrangement, or it can allow for additional outside relationships.

Exclusive Multi-Partner Arrangements
This is similar to monogamy, but the closed relationship is among more than two people. The members of the relationship do not have relationships outside the group. Besides the obvious, the key difference is that, while monogamy assumes that one will be with one other person for the rest of their life and no other, it is not impossible that a new person could be introduced into the group. This tends to be a fairly complex and uncommon process, meaning that exclusive polyfidelity tends to be a fairly stable, unchanging structure, compared to other polyamorous structures.

Polygamy
Polygamy, meaning one person with multiple spouses who are exclusive to that person, is technically a subset of exclusive multi-partner arrangements. Polygyny is a single man with multiple wives, likewise polyandry a single woman with multiple husbands. Although new partners may be added in the future, by the nature of the arrangement, there will only be one man or woman depending on the type. Historically, this is the common form of multiple partner marriages and arrangements, mostly because, unlike a group marriage, it makes issues of heredity simpler. If the king has 10 wives, you can still tell who his first born is. If the king has 10 wives and 5 co-husbands, it is much harder to know who the first born prince is.

This structure is largely out of favor in most circles: out of favor in the monogamous community because it is so radical, and out of favor in the polyamorous communities because it is so sexually regressive.

Open Polyfidelity

In open polyfidelity, there is a group at the center of the structure, but various members of the group maintain their separate relationships outside the core group. Some groups let people date openly, others require group approval for any new relationships, and others have different arrangements. Like other relationships, there are as many forms for this to take as there are polyfidelitous groups.

This is just a brief overview of various relationship concepts. Trying to explain all of these ideas in one post is like trying to explain science in 700 words, but this gives you the broad strokes. In future articles, we will delve into many of these topics in much greater detail.

Jealousy, Envy, and Compersion

This article is the second in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. The first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. This second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. The third discusses and defines various terms. The fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.

Let's start by discussing the terms that we are talking about.

Jealousy - Discomfort or bitterness at someone else having something that is yours. For this discussion, we are specifically talking about being distressed that someone else is with your significant other.

Envy - Unhappiness not because someone else has what you want but because you do not have what you want.

Compersion - An empathic state of happiness. Sharing in the joy of another.

Besides communication, these are three of the most important concepts in open relationships.

Jealousy
People raised in our monogamous society are taught to feel that they are being somehow betrayed or diminished when someone else is intimate with someone they are romantically attached to. Jealousy is common, even among people who have practiced open relationships for a long time. Some people do not experience jealousy, but that is the exception, not the rule.

Dan says: My primary and I used to go to this night club. She enjoyed going there because she liked all the attention that men would pay to her. Something about this made me uncomfortable. This struck me as unusual because I am not usually a jealous guy. In talking to her, we came to understand that my discomfort came in the fact that she was free to go home from the club with anyone she chose, and that there was another man there who did not like me and was actually trying to show me up. My real discomfort was not worrying about our relationship, but being on edge because I felt like I was in competition with this other man. We agreed that she would come home with me from the club, and that, if she wanted to go home with someone else, she would ask permission ahead of time. After that I felt completely comfortable with the attention she got.

The proper way to deal with this is with openness, honesty, and understanding. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling, but understand that the jealousy is a phenomenon of your own emotions. Also, be sure to use "I" statements. ("I feel this way when you do that." versus "You make me feel this way.") This will keep the conversation productive and not adversarial.

The root of the jealousy may just be deeply ingrained emotional response to stimuli, but it could also be something specific about the situation. Sometimes it can be remedied by a solution as simple as your significant other checking in once during a date to remind you that she still loves you and will return to you.

A common solution is to have a specific act that is sacred to your specific relationship. You probably want to avoid more common sexual acts, as more intimate, affectionate acts work better for this. Think of the secret song in Moulin Rouge. While that movie is certainly no example of proper open relationships, the secret song served the same purpose of being a reminder of something that was intimately unique to their relationship.

The key thing here is that jealousy is natural, and the way that you feel is not "wrong". It is something to be addressed, and should be addressed openly and dealt with in whatever way is necessary to make everyone as comfortable as possible with the situation.

Envy
Sometimes we think that we are jealous, but we are really envious. What's the difference? Jealousy is feeling uncomfortable because someone else is being intimate with your lover. As the Duke in Moulin Rouge says, "It's not that I'm a jealous man, I just don't like other people touching my things!"

Sometimes, the issue is not that you mind that your boyfriend is off with his new lady. You mind that you are sitting at home watching reruns of the People's Court while he is having a wild time with his date. This is envy. You would not mind if they had their date while you were otherwise busy, but you find yourself wishing that he was with you at this time.

A common solution to this is careful scheduling. Your boyfriend planning to go out with his other ladyfriend on Thursday night? That would be an excellent night for you to see your own paramour.

Like jealousy, this is usually dealt with by talking openly about the concerns, and developing a solution with creativity, honesty, and, of course, love.

Compersion
Compersion is a goal of many polyamorous people, as it allows the relationship to move from a place of giving something up to a place of building something together. By giving something up, I mean that some people look at open relationships as a trade. I will let you see other people if you let me see other people. This is an exchange of value, and is not the best structure for a relationship.

A better situation is one where each partner wants to their partner to be happy. "You like painting Warhammer figures in the basement so I am happy that you are happy in your hobby, even though I don't happen to share that hobby." Likewise, "Going on a date with Suzy makes you happy, so I am happy for you even though that date does not involve me."

For some people, this sounds like a very alien concept. They may be willing to accept that their partner will make time with others, but being happy about it? That seems a bit extreme, but that is only because we think of sex as this activity which is important above all others. You would not feel jealous if your partner went golfing with another person. In fact, if you hated golf, you would be happy that your partner found someone to golf with so that (1) your partner would be happy, and (2) your partner would stop asking you to go golfing.

Candy says: I am a bit of a voyeur. It turns me on almost as much to see my boyfriend with another woman as it does to be with him myself. This makes compersion a lot easier for me.


Emily says: My husband was seeing this woman who was stunningly gorgeous. At first, I was a little jealous of her. She made me feel a little inadequate. Then, I got to know her a bit better and found that she was a really nice person. From then on, I was perfectly comfortable with my hubby seeing her. My only remaining jealousy was that he got to sleep with her and I didn't.


Our emotions are what they are and should be dealt with honestly, without seeking to place blame, only seeking to find solutions. You cannot fight them and you cannot bury them. What you can do is look at them to understand what it is that causes them. Often, when the underlying causes of negative emotions like envy and jealousy are identified, the situation can be adjusted to satisfy all involved.

Keeping and Open Mind Towards Open and Non-Traditional Relationships

This article is the first in a four part series on polyamory and open and non-traditional relationships. This first article is about open and non-traditional relationships in general, the benefits, the dangers, and how to approach them. The second will discuss jealousy, envy and compersion and how to deal with the issues that opening a relationship could cause. The third discusses and defines various terms. The fourth article will talk about lessons that have been learned in the experience of the polyamorous community which can be applied to any relationship.

This article is a brief survey of open relationships, and I will be going into great detail on some of the specific topics discussed here in future articles.

Joe says: An open relationship sounds wicked sweet. I get to do whoever I want and not get in trouble for it.


Joe doesn't exactly have the right idea about open relationships. Many people first respond that way, but their excitement cools when they realize that their partner also gets to do the same thing.

Open relationships are neither better nor worse than monogamous relationships. They are also neither more or less complicated. It is like asking "which is a better tool, a screwdriver or a hammer?" It depends on the situation and what you are trying to achieve.

First, let us briefly define what we are talking about. An open relationship is one in which the couple has agreed to allow outside relationships in some form. This takes many forms, ranging from swingers, who have a main relationship and have non-romantic sexual encounters with various people, to polyamorous people, who may have multiple long-term, romantic, emotionally engaged relationships. There is also polyfidelity, which is not technically an open relationship, but which is a closed relationship of 3 or more people.

As we will discuss Tuesday, there are many forms of open and non-traditional relationships, and this concept of open relationships appeals to people for a wide variety of reasons.

Emily says: When I was younger, I had never heard of polyamory. I would get into long term relationships, but I was never able to be faithful. I would try to be "loyal", but I was always overcome by temptation. I got to think I was a terrible person because that is what society told me I was. When I discovered polyamory, I realized that it was not me that was defective, it was the form of relationship that I was trying to force myself into. I now live in a wonderful poly household, and I can finally be myself, following my desires as long as I am careful and respectful of my partner's needs.


For some people, traditional monogamous relationships just don't work. It's not because they do not try. It's simply that they cannot constrain their heart to love one person and one person only for all time. These people often end up cheating. Even if they can remain faithful, will feel trapped in monogamous relationships, feeling unfulfilled, not because their partner is lacking but because they feel the need to love more than one.

Dan says: My girlfriend and I decided to explore polyamory because we are both bisexual. She is wonderful, but she is not a man, so I always found myself missing that experience. She felt likewise. I started seeing a man, and she saw a couple of women. In opening our relationship, we found that, not only could we get our needs met, but that we had a new closeness. Rather than feeling that she was keeping me from something, we could be open and honest in our desires, and even share our attraction to other people. Let me tell you, checking out girls with your girlfriend is awesome.


For others, opening the relationship takes something that creates a chasm between couples, attraction to other people, and makes it a point of commonality. When a couple has good communication and manages jealousy well, they can achieve something called compersion, a state of empathic happiness. This is the kind of happiness that you feel when your best bud get's a date with the hot girl at the bar. The only difference is that the best bud in question is your significant other. It is important for couples to have hobbies and interests in common. Many people are very interested in courting, and many poly couples find great enjoyment in sharing their interest in this activity.

Let's say that you are already in a relationship and find that the idea of an open relationship interesting. Here are a few ways that opening a relationship can work and not work.

Examples of Good Situations for an Open Relationship
Both of partners agree that there is no reason to be monogamous
This is a pretty obvious one. If both of you are thinking that there is no reason why you cannot see other people and think that it might be interesting, this is a good situation to try an open relationship.

The partners still love each other, but the sex is lacking
This is one situation that has to be approached very delicately, but it is a sensible situation for opening the relationship. If you were entirely satisfied in your relationship except that you loved baseball and your mate hated it, you'd find some friends to go to baseball games with and everyone would be happy. This is similar, but with sex instead of baseball. Of course, this is very different because few people are taught to base their self worth on the love of baseball, while many people are taught that their self worth is based on their sexual prowess.

One is unable/unwilling/unwanting to sleep with one's partner but still loves him or her
You are very happy with your partner, but for whatever reason, you cannot give him what he needs. (I say 'he' because, in 4 out of 5 cases like this I have encountered, it has been the woman who is unable to give the man what he wants/needs.) In this case, understanding that sex is but a part of your relationship, you might offer to let him go and find satisfy his needs elsewhere. (This is sometimes jokingly called "outsourcing.") This can be an excellent solution. The most common pitfall I hear about in this situation is not that jealously crops up, but that the man thinks that it is some kind of test of his character and loyalty, so he declines the offer. Why might he think so? Because most advice columnists and radio DJs will tell him that it's a trap and that she is trying to get him to "cheat" so she can "catch" him.

One partner has a fetish or interest that the other is not interested in indulging
Similar to the above example, perhaps the sex life is satisfactory, but there is a particular fetish that your partner has. For example, maybe he really enjoys sadomasochism as a top, but you have no desire to be a bottom. You might decide to let him go exercise his desires on someone who would appreciate his particular interests. The important thing here is to realize that the other woman is not better than you overall, she is simply better than you at satisfying that one single need.

Examples of Bad Situations for an Open Relationship
There are other underlying issues causing stress in the relationship
Often, a poor sex life for a couple is caused by other stresses: e.g. money, mistrust, or poor communication. Perhaps they may feel that the sex with their partners is unsatisfying, so things would get better if they could get more satisfying sex somewhere else. This is a situation that, in the poly groups online, they refer to as "relationship broken, add more people." This usually does not work. The stresses that are causing problems in the first place will lead to mistrust and jealousy, and drag a third, unwary victim into the already broken relationship.

One partner wants to see other people but do not want to let the other partner do the same
It is one thing if one partner says, "you can see other people, but I have no desire to." That can work well, but "I want to see other people, but you may not do the same" will rarely work. It is fundamentally unfair and generally is only even attempted in a relationship with an uneven power dynamic. In the end, this will likely cause great jealousy and resentment.


Approaching the Topic of Opening the Relationship
Opening this conversation must be done carefully. Avoid the following phrase, "I think we should see other people." That means "we should break up." Hopefully you already know that.

Often, opening this conversation will lead to the question of "What brought this up?" This really means, "What did I do wrong to make you think I was not good enough." Saying that you read an interesting article on this great blog called Smart Love and thought it might be interesting to think about is a good save here.

Generally, I might suggest talking about open relationships in theory before trying to talk about them specifically, for you. This way, you can get an idea what your partners concerns are before things become emotional and heated. There are also a few points that you want to make sure to get across. If any of the things on the following list are not true, do not try to get them across, but also seriously re-evaluate your relationship.

"I love you."
"You are not inadequate to me."
"I want to explore this to make our relationship stronger, not to get away from you."

You could even start the conversation by suggesting that he or she read some articles from Smart Love on the topic. Again, make sure that you make the above three points very clear. You do not want her or him to read the article and start having an anxiety attack thinking that this is a prelude to breaking up.

Here are some books on the topic which you may find valuable...